Who is that girl?

Officially Closed!

2010-11-03T00:47:00.001+08:00

THE END!

(Moving on to the next phase of Life)

http://alyciasthots.blogspot.com/

Happy 7/10

2010-11-01T22:33:00.000+08:00

It's 1st November!

Alycia had her 1..2..3..4..5..6..7th..(???) time of terrible gastric pains. I've totally lost count. Last night/morning, I was awaken by the pain. I woke up and made a cup of hot milk to soothe my stomach but it didn't work. I got so scared.... so I went to my parents' room and shook my Mum's leggies until she woke up. *HAHAHAHA* I wasn't laughing at that moment okay! It was damn pain! Couldn't laugh at alll. -.-

-Mum woke up and made oat for me.
-Took medicine.
- Had diarrhoea twice.
-The pain lasted on and off for 2 hours plus. *frickkin' tiring*

Mummy nearly sent me to A&E again. But phew!!! Lucky the pain goes off soon after that. BUT IT LASTED FOR 2 FRICKKIN' HOURS! f**k Okay, serve me right anyway. I'm the one who tortured myself... Both of us went to sleep again while Daddy heads off to work. We both woke up in the afternoon and went off to Elias Mall for the doctor. I was told that my gastric is kinda terrible. And if I were to "not give a damn" about it, soooooon enough, from gastric pain will lead me to gastric ulcer. Then... I'll have to say "GG!" -.-

*Big big sigh!*
I've been taking medicine so muchhhhhy until......... I AM so sicked of it now. ARGHHH!!!! I think I'm fed with more medicine than rice. -.- That's what my Mummy says okay! I grew up taking medicines. Seriously, I can feel myself getting weaker. But I'm still super mischievous lah! *HAHAHA* Everyday, I got no one to play with. I started playing my Mummy... Pinching her cheeks, hugging her, squashing her... So fun. *HAHAHA*

Anyway, just now Mummy suddenly offered to buy me an XMINI! We went Whitesands to get it. Here it is!

The pink is mad chio! It's last piece and so I quickly grabbed it! :P Super in love with it now! Thanks Momo! *Teehee*

Alright, gotta go!

Toodles!

Tired 8/10

2010-10-31T16:15:00.000+08:00

想念变成怀念心动变成心碎。。。

That's exactly how I felt after I read those messages from him. Although "that matter" happened quite a few months back but the hurt is still so close to my heart...

It's not that my love for him is not strong enough to heal those wounds. Instead, why I find it so hard to accept the fact that he had already hurt me so deep is because all along his impression to me isn't all that imperfect... He is, a super nice guy to me... Maybe that's how the hurt doubles up after I realized he made a grave mistake that broke my trust...

Once trust is broken, no matter how nice he used to be, everything simply turns into a mist...

I was told that I'm also at fault for crossing this bridge despite knowing that there's a hole in the middle of it. Yeah... Maybe I should've just ended this relationship earlier... But... ha, what can I do when Love is playing all the tricks...

Trust takes years to build but seconds to break... I did tried my best. He did try to make a change as well. But, perhaps our hearts are not that tightly linked that's why it falls apart when given a little shake. I do not wanna carry on with this topic anymore. It hurts. All I wanna say is, I somehow regretted wasting my breath spilling all my heartfelt words yet in the end, what I got are Doubts and still doubts. I'm utterly sad and disappointed... I gave my all and this is what I got back, Hurts and still hurts...

To be in love is supposed to have a so-sweet-feeling. But, I've been feeling so bitter, tensed and stressed up. I want a serious relationship not a tensed up relationship. I want it simple like "I love u, u love me" but why is it always so complicated? Why must we think about sooo deep into the future like as if we're gonna get married tomorrow? Why??? I feel so suffocated. Maybe it's really better for us to part. No, up till today then I realized, it IS really better for us to part. And no way am I getting into a relationship anymore until I'm settled with my own stuffs. I had enough of all these bitterness...

Alright, back to Sis's birthday that day. Actually, nothing much lah. LOL! Seriously, I don't know what to say except for HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY!!! I was indeed really happy to see her happy. So that's all that matters to me. Eh? It rhymes huh! *Haha!* And I'm glad that she likes my gift! Love u sis! (=

Till next year! :D

2nd time to Singapore Flyer.

2010-10-28T02:00:00.001+08:00

Ya know what? I just realized I've been starting my post with "Dear Diary" since.. I've got no idea. When did I start having this "habit"? *scratches head* Anyway, it's just a sudden thought that "Dear Diary" seemed kinda "formal" for one giggly person like me. So I think, I'm gonna kick off this habit. *Hahahhaha*

It's my second time to the Singapore Flyer.[27th October] The first time was with Sis and the second with my boyfriend. It wasn't that much fun for the second time as it was really nothing much. I just enjoyed snapping pictures of the beautiful scenery. IF only I can master photography, I believe my current camera will be of a better use. Now, I'm like pretty much a noob tryin' to get hold of a "Pro Cam". :S Some pictures were lousy as what I only know are some "basics".. *Sigh*

Anyway, here're are the pictures:

A day and night caption. Beautiful eh? (=

Alright, my super sore throat is killin' my ears. Damn. I pray that I'll get recovered soon so that I can start eating more heavenly foodie! :(

Good Night!

My Religion

2010-10-26T02:04:00.001+08:00

Dear Diary,

"When walking, as we step one foot forward, we lift the other foot up. In the same way, we should let go of yesterday and focus on today." - Jing Si Yu.

"Many seek illumination by lighting up a lamp, when the true light is within. 有人点灯求光明，其实真正的光明在我们心里." - Jing Si Yu

And one more quote,
"得到了要珍惜，失去了要感恩." This isn't from Jing Si Yu... It's from her Facebook. I think it rather applies to me, huh? When I got her as a friend, I cherished her. And after I lost her, I'm grateful to that.

From him, I heard of her again. And from what he said, she seemed-to-be concerned about me but no, I'm not falling into it anymore. If you realized, I've already removed those photos on Facebook. Because I know, there won't be hatred when there's no love. So yeah.. I feel it's pointless. And I know, no matter how much I "hate" her, one day if I were to see her in any danger, I'll still be there to help her out... So yeah... I'll still wish the best for her...

Anyway,
It's "Guan Yin Dan" today and I'll be going to GanMummy's house later.
You know, I feel that my religion helped me quite a lot.. Though I've not baptise yet but duh... I see myself as a buddhism. So that's that. Haha. And I'm not saying that being a buddhism is everything, of course, I too have to believe in myself otherwise it won't work.

As you know, I was once a "Christian". I used to "talk to God" at night, pray before I eat, goes to Church every Sunday and even got myself a bible. But about 3 years back, there goes the twist in my life. From then on, I began to place my heart to buddhism and.. somehow... I do feel the connection... I don't used to believe much in religions but after I met with these various obstacles, I must say that, having a Religion does help... a lot...

It taught me how to persevere and never give up... to let down any hatreds... to give without expecting anything in return... to free my ego, to expand my heart... Though some things I've failed to practice but I'll always remind myself whatever that I've learnt from my own belief(Buddhism). Otherwise, it'll just be pointless... Isn't it? (=

Will the Moon be beautiful tonight?

Good Night,
Sweet Dreams.

Happy Lah 7/10

2010-10-25T14:53:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

My throat hurts badly! I've been rather busy lately so didn't really have the time to blog. *Hehe*

Argh! Wanted to post pictures but WHAT THE HECK is WRONG with BLOGGER?! Only managed to upload one... Duh. Anyway, the above photo is a RING in case you cannot see that it's a ring. -.- *Hahaha* My little sis bought it for me. So sweet right?!!! *Hehe* She got one for herself too! With a letter "C"! ;P Love it to the maxxxxxx!!! Thanks sis!!! <3

Okay, so erm, I'm not gonna blog about the missing days. But overall, I must say that I'm happy! Shalala! *Hahahhahaha*

My current mood is kinda bad though. Because of my SORE THROAT! ARGH!!! Friggin' pain ya know! ): About 2 days back I had fever... Seriously.............. WEAKKKK. This year I've been sick for like so many times!!! I pray that I will recover AS SOON AS POSSIBLE because I promise myself to be FULLY CHARGED for this comin' Friday as it's my one and only dearest Sis's 18th birthday! *Cheeze!* :D

Alright! Cut the crap! I'm going off to catch my show "24". I'm at Season 2 now. ^^

Tata!!!

24 Season 1 ! Awesome 8/10

2010-10-18T01:29:00.002+08:00

Dear Diary,

I'm very thankful of all the wonderful things and people around me. I love you! ;D *random*

Recently I'm recommended by my boyf. about this American(My country ^^ :P) tv series called "24" and I'm totally hooked on it since then. The first few episodes were boring but.... it gets really exciting after that! And what's more amazing is, it has like 7 seasons?! I'm only at Season 1.. So it's like... Wowwwwww. It can last me for so long! This is sooo cool man!

Alright.. I'm going back to it. Have a good night sleep yeah! Sayonara! ;D

And yeah, EVERY SECOND COUNTS! ;D

Funtastic day Sentosa-ing 9/10

2010-10-15T23:24:00.001+08:00

Dear Diary,

(14th October 2010)

HERE COMES SENTOSA!!!

Oh my. It's awesome! Another day out with my lovely boyfriend, sister and sister's boyfriend. HAHAHHAA! I say until so specific right? :O Orgay...So we met at Vivo and then OFF to SAND-TOE-SA!

Took the tram ride to Palawan Beach! Whoohooo~ The weather was "splendid".. My skin totally turned from white to reddish. -.- But the 3 of them were still fine except for me! Why? Why? Why?! Hahhahahah! I don't intend to soak myself 100% in the saltish seawater but.. I was "forced" to. Nah! Just kidding! LOL! My boyf. and I was so tempted by "that couple" plus the weather is TOO AMAZING=Hot. So yeah, in the end, we both went in and have a taste of the 200%(seemed to be) salt. *Yuck*

From waddling in the water to getting wet all over. Since I'm already so dirty, I don't mind making it more dirty. It's SAND-TOE-SA time!

I was covered with SAND from my legs, hands, body to TOE and it went SA-SA-SA into my friggin' mouth all thanks to the 3 who played a part.. *Laughs!* It was so-much-fun! Although my butt was itching with sands... My eyes hurts whenever the seawater touches... I felt sucky whenever I can't hit the volleyball properly... I felt even sucky when the volleyball hits me...(HAHHAHAHA) BUT, it was still lots of fun~ *Smiles*

We kept eating, drinking and then back to the water. How relaxing! Though my wish for this year is to get out of SG for a break, but, as I imagined myself in Maldives/Redang Island, I felt equally calmed and relaxed even when I'm actually just at... Sentosa... (=

After Sentosa, we showered and off we go back to the East! ;D

We caught this movie by my idol, Rainie Yang! "童眼 3D" It wasn't as scary as how I thought it would be. But, I think it's quite worth watching as my idol is in it! HAHHAHAHHA! ;P

So yeap! That's about my FUN-tas-tic day @ Sentosa!

Now, I hate my tanned skin. But I guess it's worth it. ):

(15th October 2010)
A day rest at home.

It wasn't all that perfect. Read some stuffs that I think I shouldn't have read. Did some things that I shouldn't have done. What is going on in my head? I've often remind myself to forget the past. But, why the hell am I still affected? After reading what I feel I should not have read, I felt very dejected and sad. I feel so "flat on the ground" as if I'm stepped on by people again and again yet all I can do is to stay put and not retaliate. Maybe, only Time can help me. But, I'm just one impatient soul who can't wait to get out of my own safety zone. This kinda feeling really sucks. "I can't wait but I have to be patient; To persevere, try and wait."

From their eyes I see, words they speak, actions they showed.. This-is-how-they-looked-at-me. One word to describe, "Despise". They can hurt me just by simple words and actions. Does this show how weak I am or how powerful their words can be? Genuine is never genuine. Fake is never fake. True is never true. False is never false. Is this how the world is like now? People who met you just once or twice can seem to blabber infinite words about you as if they've known you for years. Everything is totally the opposite of what/how it appears to be. Or rather, everything is totally the opposite of "how I see it"...

I'll never forget how my ex boyfriend's parents treated me.. the way they looked at me.. the way they insult me.. I'll never forget how I'm treat like junk when I gave my best to someone I thought could be trusted... I'll never forget how much my parents suffer with me for these 3 years... I'll never forget how my parents try to cover up this "illness" for me whenever people asked "Is your daughter studying/working?"... I'll never forget how people look at me in the eye, the way they despise me.......

I will never ever ever forget the scar on my left arm....! NEVER EVER forget the ordeals I've been thru for the passed 3 years till now! The crucial moments before I sunk into depression... till the day where I've fallen into this pitch dark world... to this day where I gotta face so much rejections, criticizes and insults..!!!

Tears just simply appears right at the edge of my eyes whenever I think of all those above... Why must I be treated like this when all I did was, to give my best...?
Every day and night, I tell myself, NOT TO LET OTHERS STEP ON ME EVER AGAIN. Often I got the urge to bash up all those who look down on me. I can barely control that I started punching the wall, pillows and whatever that's infront of me. This feeling sucks a lot. Really... );

Alycia believes in what she believed. My mum, dad, ganMummy.. They all believe in me. And I believe in them. So since I believe in them and they believe in me, I should continue believing and persevering... (=

Even though it hurts,
Even if I've to crawl,
I'll still crawl until I reach the very end...

I am strong! ;P

Super Tired 8/10

2010-10-13T00:15:00.001+08:00

Dear Diary,

It has been a hectic week for me! *Yayness* I was friggin' tired AND lazy after I got back home so... didn't blog! *Oops*

Anyway~~~
My Life is great so far. I spent almost everyday with my boyf. And, I finally get to meet up with Sis.. Even if it was just a short while but I'm still very much happy..!

[On the 9th October]
I had dinner at her working place @ RafflesCity together with my sweet boyfriend who's willing to come with me as I told him "I really miss my sis!". So sweeet of him right~ ;D

After dinner, we actually had an unexpected htht with Sis at her void deck. Er, actually it's not "we" lah, it's just "me". Hee :P It was good and bad having such "htht".. Though I really dislike the part where I gotta hold on to my tears...(I don't like to cry!) But I really felt so much at ease after talking to Sis... It feels warmth whenever I looked into her eyes, knowing that she listens... Thanks my dear Sis!!! Thanks for assuring me again and again that you'll never leave. It's my blessing to have you as my bff and sister... Really... A blessing... (=

Oh yeah, I went to have a look a Kewei's performance at OC before that. And she actually came to talk to me! She remembers me! And my name! Haha. Anyway, she's cool... A natural born diva indeed...

[On the 10th October]
Kewei and Einein's performance @ CrazyWorldCafe! I had fun! Though the cafe is kinda small but it gave me a cosy feeling. So I think, it was still pretty good. ;D Kewei, Einein and not to forget Clarence(guitarist) were great! I enjoyed those melodious music played and sung... One thing Kewei said.. With her long inspiring sentences that I can't remember except the part that she said "Just do it".. makes me think a lot after that.. The boss of CW cafe made his words come true because he "just do it". He "said it" and "did it". While up till now, I'm still getting nowhere because, often I said, "Can't do it".. That's the difference I guess...

In these 2 consistent days(9-10), I met with Kewei. This is cool or what! :D Let's hope that she can do Singapore proud just like Stephanie Sun.. She has good looks, good voice, good education, good interactions with fans, writes her own song.. What more can we ask for? Local music! C'mon! You can do it! ;P

[On the 12th October]
I had a great swim at my cousin's condo! It's the first time I'm swimming with a guy. So kuku right! ;P Other than my cousins, never in my life I did that. So I find it rather cool and amazing! It's like a breakthrough for me. I guess. Haha. It's funny to see how my seemed-to-be manly boyfriend swims just like a... clown. Hahaha. Okay, I won't say any further lest he gets embarrassed.. *Giggles* But, he-was-really-cute. Hahahaha! Okok... Sshhhh...

Alrighty! That's all!
.
.
.
Oh, wait!!!
.
.
.
Don't watch the movie called, "Buried". It sucks! Just like the "Devil"... -.-
.
.
.
Alright,
Good night! ;)

Tired 9/10

2010-10-05T23:10:00.001+08:00

Dear Diary,

I've been mia for quite a few days as I was sick! After the fall from rollerblading, I fell ill up till now I'm still not recovered fully. What-the-heck. It sucks to be sick! But that's not the worst I feel. Several incidents that happened recently made me really tired and.. yeah, just felt really tired... And I believe all these "incidents' are much worst than falling ill physically..

Ryan and I..(Tho it's solved now) That lady... Friend D.. Qiqi.. Myself.. Ah~ Whatever~ There's way too many reasons for my sleepless nights and. Everything. But for now, my current problem besides my own personal problem is, HER. Ahh. I've got no idea why either.

Yesterday, Dr Sung asked me to think about the differences between last few months and recently.. She said I was making pretty good progress in the beginning till mid of the year. But after about June/July, I deteriorated.. She wants to get my "strengths" and "motivation" back.. So.. yeah... I told her, one of the major difference is actually the relationship between me and my peers(including HER). I don't know, I just felt like.. everything had changed... It really make my heart sink...

Actually I don't hate her... Instead, everytime when I found out something about her, I feel very disappointed. I tried to convince myself that she's not as bad as what I think. But you know, everything's just right infront of my eyes! How am I not to believe? Once, twice then THRICE! I had enough! I can no longer lie to myself.. She's just way too cruel... The hurts she carved in me... The way she maligned me... Simply shows how weak I am to let her step onto me again and again yet I can't even like... defend myself...? )= So I guess because of these, I did some things on Facebook which I know I shouldn't have done it... What happened to me? When did I become so "cruel"?

Any idea how it feels? To "hate" someone whom you don't wish to hate???
I know that by now I should've stop talking about her. But yeah, I just can't help it. Perhaps, I still need more time to really get over this matter...

Anyway!
I forgot what I wanna say... -.- I've lots of things to share but... I can't remember any of them now... Yeah! STM!!!

Duh. Wait till I remember....

Good Night.

Not happy not sad. (=

2010-09-28T23:12:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

This year I've been sick for how many times? Totally lost count. *Laughs!* I didn't know by falling down from rollerblading can make me "sick" till like that. It's like so wth lah! My neck is somehow.. sprained... Er.. not exactly "sprained" but yea.. I think the "pain" comes from the "vein"... Duh. And the "bumbum" on my head is gone! BUT, the pain is still hurting! So weird right! -.-

Anyway, despite feeling unwell, I still went to watch "The Return Of ChenZhen". Hahahahha! BUT what a disappointment! Ip Man is so much nicer! So this movie is Not recommended! :P

I'm feeling abit drowsy now after taking the medicine.. I've been feeling very tired recently as well.. I guess, too many things happened and maybe I still need some time to adjust.. But since I'm stronger and tougher now, I'm sure I'll sort my thoughts out real soon. (=

Alright,
Good Night!!!

Tired 9/10

2010-09-27T02:20:00.003+08:00

Dear Diary,

Several things have changed lately. That's about Life; Unpredictable. I've got Friend D back which I believe our affinity hasn't end yet. I've my own reasons and I'm clear of what I'm doing so don't ask me what makes me change my decision. I'm glad to have a friend back but at the same time I was devastated to know that a friend of mine just passed away..

Qiqi jie,
I hope you'll be able to see this. I wanna tell you that I've never blamed you for all the things that you said... Because I know you dotes on Das and your intentions are good.. It's just that you don't understand me that's why you said all those words that pricked.. You know, I would very much like to meet up with you in person, but, I guess, I no longer have that chance...

Wherever you are now, I'll pray that Angels will guide you to Heaven and I hope you'll also understand and forgive me for being rude to you. Honestly, I still cannot believe that you're gone. It simply happened way too fast... I was kinda angry with you at first for leaving Little Bridget behind with your husband. But, I guess, God sure have a reason for wanting you to be up in Heaven.

And I believe, no matter where you'll be, you'll always be in Das's heart, Jessie's heart, Bridget's heart, Patrick's heart, your Mum and Dad's heart.. as well as... in my heart... Even though we've not met before, but, yes, you will be in my heart. Thank you for sharing with me so many things, you're a nice lady.. I believe you'll be an Angel in Heaven... (:

*Sigh*
Alright! Enough of all these sad sad feelings... Life still goes on! Yesterday I went rollerblading with baby and.. it's superb awesomely FUNNN!!! We both don't know how to blade but wahahhahaha, we still managed to "perform" pretty well.. Heheh. The funniest part was, when we were going down this slope... Both of us, hand in hand, wheeeeeeeeeee~~~~ (Balancing.Balancing) BOM! LOL! We both fell together... HAHHAHAA!

AND the most AMAZING thing is, we both fell together for about 5 times! HAHHAHAHA! What the hell right?! Now there's bruises on my knees, elbows, fingers and quite a huge "BUMBUM" on my head while Baby got it on his palms. *LAUGHS* You know, after so many years, this is the FIRST time I fell. After so long, for the FIRST time I fell, I actually fell 5 friggin' times! *LAUGHS* But it was lots of fun!

The both of us were grasping onto one another.. hand in hand, we "rollerblade" like some Ah Gong and Ah Ma. I feel like everyone's watching us... :S

OH YEAH! I remembered another funny part... There's this pro guy zoomed towards us in his super cool rollerblade.. I was like.. so scared he will hit us then I started "AAAHHHH".. Stupid baby somehow got a shocked or something... He lost his balance then we both fell again.. -.- I was laughing like crazzzzyyy and I bet we were like the "STARS" in PRP that everyone were looking at how SWEEEET we are as a couple... *LAUGHS* Really "lao kui"(hokkien).. We saw several small kiddos rollerblading like in sucha speeed while the both of us were like... -.- "xia suay"(hokkien) But anyway, who cares?! HAHA! We both had so much fun FALLING together. ;P

Baby! I'm looking forward to our next "blading-session"... *giggles* And, our htht just now... I'm glad we both speak our hearts and I believe we've passed this "obstacle". So yeah! Don't brood about what's over already, alright? Whatever misunderstandings we had for one another, it's all OVERRR. ;) Don't blame yourself, don't feel sad/self-reproach because, tomorrow will always be better than today. As long as you BELIEVE. (= Love you bb... <3

Now... my hands and legs are aching... Gonna sleep now!

Good Night! :D

A lesson learnt. :D

2010-09-24T17:41:00.000+08:00

I'm just born with such a heart, such a character, such a personality.. Why do you people always wanna change me? Those obsessively stubborn weaknesses of mine that I believe I should change, I will. But the heart that I got, the heart that allows me to doubt less & love more, I don't wanna change. I feel, I should not change. Even if you think its naive, its stupid to give in my trust to people so easily, I feel, that's the genuine heart that belongs to Me. I see no point to change it. If you're worried that I might get duped, then, I think, you're just worrying nothing. Because, once I give my heart, I'll bear with all the consequences. And even if I got duped in the end, I won't blame anyone for it, because, I'm just following my heart. I'm just doing what my heart tells me to do. As for WeiQian, even if you think that I'm giving in too much to her despite knowing her for less than 2 months, I'll still do it. If I'm leaving her just because of some comments that you gave, I know, I'll utterly regret.

Does this sounds familiar?
I re-read my histories and came across this... And I'm actually laughing at myself for being such a fool. Now, the thought of addressing her as my sister makes me really wanna puke. Yeah, I'm just following my heart and I've learnt a new lesson. I didn't get duped but I'm being used by her. Duh. It's still the same. The hurt is still hurt. -.- Whatever. This is the consequences I've to bear with since this is what I chose..

But now, with my boyfriend back to my side, mum and dad who loves me so much, sisters who cares, and a sweet cousin who looks up upon me like an angel(even tho I'm not one)... Haha. I feel more than enough to be happy and blessed... :D

Alright back to my show!

Toodles!

Tired 8/10

2010-09-24T01:53:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

"Out of difficulties makes miracle"
Sometimes you just gotta keep believing...

Almost every night at this time, I would be walking around my room, searching for my soul. Sometimes I got lost while of course there're other times where I managed to hear my own voice.. That's what I like; the serenity at night... I get to hear my heart speak. But sometimes this serenity can be quite torturing.. Well, actually it all depends on the "remote control" that's instilled inside you. You get the hold of it, no one else does. You, and only You can control it...

And tonight is not an exception. I get really grumpy when I can't answer to my own questions. I wanna know the reason why I've to sleep when the Moon is up and wake up when the Sun rises. I don't wanna wake up everyday feeling so lost inside.

You know, this year I've broke quite a number of my personal records. I'm not quite happy about it because.. no matter how hard I tried to prevent people from getting hurt, I ended up hurting innocent people which I never thought I would.. Be it my parents, family, friends.. I just felt like a big sinner. ):

This Friend D is still giving me a big heartache. Alright,scold me, slap me all you want for being so stupid to feel guilty over such small matter. But, you'll never know how I feel... Until now, I'm still wondering if I should apologise to him for all that I've did to hurt him. Though I appeared that I don't give a damn about all these nonsense anymore but.. Alycia sucks. Really sucks. ***Sigh*** If I got a choice, I would choose not to hurt anyone... But sometimes, Life is just like that. Things are just beyond our control...

I think I should go back to meditate now.

Good Night and Sweet Dreams. :D

Enjoyed 9/10

2010-09-23T01:09:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

When I thought I'm gonna give this year's Lantern Festival a miss, Sis text me... And, I'd a very fun time with Sis and her family! Yeah, including her Mum and Dad! ;P They are so cute! This happy moment together... I truly cherish it a lot! Though Time has changed and our friendship changed as well... BUT, has changed for the better better BEST! Hehee... That's the "test of time" that we've passed. Despite so many "cold wars" we had, we're still as sisterly as ever. Thank Heaven! ;P Love you sis!

After Sis and her family left, my 甜甜baby came to look for me with MOONCAKES in his hand! Oh yeah, that's more like it! Mooncake Festival without mooncake?! Yeah, my parents didn't buy any as my mum don't really fancy them. So baby and I headed back to the park and had our "Mooncake Picnic". Haha?! I feel super blessed to spend this day with my beloved sistar and boyfriend. Under the moonlight together... *Aww* How sweeet!!! Sweeter than the mooncake!!! ;P Thanks my lovelys sweeties! <3

Here're the pictures!

Yeah, all of you have lit up my life. Thanks sooo soooo berry berry much! ;P Hope we'll still get to spend this day together NEXT YEAR next NEXT year Next NEXT NEXT year and so on... <3

Alright,
Good Night!

Till then!

Enjoyed 8/10

2010-09-22T03:14:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

Yesterday, I went out with my biaojie, XiaoFen for KBOX @ Marina Sq. We had dinner at Suntec's ASTONS then to Bugis for Rochor's beancurd. -.- That silly girl made me walk so far just for that beancurd which I can just head down to Paya Lebar and simply reach there by a few steps. -.-

We had window shopping and yeah, REALLY window shopping this time. I did not buy anything. Just simply had a sumptuous dinner and dessert! *Giggles* I had a pretty fun time with her and my legs are super aching now! Fyi, she's sleeping like a log right at this moment while I'm here blogging. *Laughs!* PIGGG! ;P

Anyway, here're some pictures I took..
My mum with her sour plum in between her lips. Haha! And the Ai Xin greenbean soup she cooked the day before... The rest are pictures I took with fenfen. Hehehe..

Thanks fenfen biaojie for taking me out today! ;)
Love you! Hehe.

SSS(Still Standing Strong) 8/10

2010-09-20T15:16:00.001+08:00

Dear Diary,

[ Chorus of "Words" by Darren Hayes]
Your words are like weapons
But you'll keep them inside
They cut like a knife
And you keep it together
Those feelings inside
There's nowhere to hide but away from me
And I just wanna listen to your words

This song speaks my heart now.

I thought it's only her who don't understand me thus hurts me so much. But now I realized, I'm wrong. Again.

Hardly anyone knows what Depression is and that makes things more difficult for me. And I think most of you have never been to IMH.. The place where anyone could joke and laugh about.. The "woodbridge hospital".. I've been there once but was sent to the wrong clinic. So I've seen things that I shouldn't be even seeing especially when I'm not even recovered yet. And none of you will ever know what I've witnessed inside.. So, do you think you would understand it better than I do?

For the 3 years I've been thru accompanied by this stupid "Devil".. You'll never know how tough this battle is, for me and my parents. It hurts when I realized that friends actually doubt me. But what's even more hurting is, they feels that I've "this illness" instead of "Depression".. So, it makes me feel like.. the same heartwrenching feeling I felt 3 years back when the doctor diagnosed me with this "Depression" which I've never even heard about it before. And now,again, I'm somehow "diagnosed" by my friends that I've this, "Attention Deficit Disorder"..

When People says;
"Depression is not like this."
I would like to question,
How would you know? Have you experienced it before?

Seriously, I gotta really thank God for not letting me fall into a major depression. Looking back, for these 3 years, I COULD HAVE been dead if not for God backing me up. Or perhaps, I would have been to a state like what people thinks Depression should be. The "insane" one. The one who totally ignores the world. That-is-major-depression.

Attention Deficit Disorder. I actually went to google about it. The more I looked up into all these psychological illnesses, the more I felt that I'm down with so many of such illnesses. Anxiety disorder, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Attention Deficit Disorder, Depression, Dysthymia disorder etc etc.. So many of these seemed to be related to me. What does this means? Am I really insane?

If you were to find yourself stuck into such a situation, how would you feel? I wanna know what's wrong with me that leads my friends to think it that way. And so I googled about it. But then I feel it's stupid. Because, in scientific terms, there're really way too many psychological disorders and illnesses. And if I were to carry on reading them one by one.. Even if I'm not one, I'm afraid sooner or later I'll really turn out to be like those major depression patients in Woodbridge. Perhaps only then will people believe that, "Oh that IS Depression!"

I've stopped googling about all these. Because, I know myself best. No point to keep suspecting that I have this and that illness, making myself paranoid and worried for nothing. It's crazy.

I may be diagnosed that I have Depression. But, I have a choice to get rid of it. Though it takes lots of time and strengths...

The whole world can doubt me, hurt me, hate me and etc. But, I don't think it matters much anymore. Now that I feel everyone is against me, I guess, it's just this stupid devil tryin' to stain my heart. It's alright if I'm misjudged by people as long as I know what I'm doing and.. like what my Mum says, No one will understand you except for yourself. I don't owe any explaination to anyone because I'm living for myself, I'm improving for myself, not for them.

Knowing that I've really wonderful Mum and Dad, I feel that's more than enough. I'm also lucky to have people around me who doesn't hides. At least they tells me how they really feel.. Me having attention deficit disorder.. Haha. I like this honesty, though it hurts pretty much.. But, yeah.. I'm sure this is not the worst thing I've ever come across so.. Alycia! Persevere!!! (=

Alright, that's all... My Mum cooked greenbean dessert and "yellow mee" today.. Hehehe.. Home cooked food is always DA BEST!!! ;P

爱心美食！我来咯！hahhaahahhaha.

Tata!

Tired 7/10

2010-09-20T04:10:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

Here goes a new name, new life to this little space of mine. http://thatgirl-jenice.blogspot.com/ I've got no idea what name to give it and seriously, I can't bear to part with my "beautiful-yesterdays".. But I've got no choice.. *Sigh*

"thatgirl-jenice"..
Jenice is a combination name of my Mum and God Mum, Jennifer and Alice. So eya.. That's how this name comes about. Anyway... yeah. That's about it I guess. Haha.

Right now,
I think I should go to bed. My mind is still filled with rubbish, so sickening... )':

Alright,
Good Night!

Happy 8/10

2010-09-19T16:17:00.001+08:00

Dear Diary,

Let me rewind . . . . . . . . .

On 16th September;
Received a message from him. When it supposed to be "The End", Destiny actually gave us both a chance to let our story continue(= Pasir Ris Park indeed carves plentiful of memories between me and my loved ones. I've never expect us to be back together again but I guess, that's how unpredictable Life is.

On 17th September;
Our very first date after so long... We spent our day at Orchard.. Went singing at Cineleisure and movie right after that... This movie titled, "DEVIL" lasted for about 1 hour ONLY thus we decided to head down to Cityhall. And coincidentally, I received a message from Sis that she's also around that area with Gk. So baby and I went to meet up with them and here we go... our unpredictable "couple date"! Haha. I'm sure the 4 of us had a fun time "fishing" at Suntec's arcade! Hahahha! I'm not a "gaming" person so it's like the very first time after so many years that I laid my fingers down on to "gaming".. And I think.. I somehow.. felt "hooked on" to this fishing game. Hahhaha. Hope to go there again to "fish". Haha!

On 18th September;
The 4 of us meet up again. For "fishing". Hahahahha! After fishing, we went "frogging" for dinner. "Tian Ji Porridge" @ Geylang is really heavenly~~~ Hahahhaha! Though we hate frogs but yet we LOVE them being cooked and chewing them right into our tummy. HAHAHHAHA! Sounds gross, I know! HAHA! After frogging, we went for desserts... Life is simply perfecttt if we were to spend our day like this for the rest of our life! ;P My all time craving, Rochor's soya bean, beancurd, youtiao AND portugese tarts. Oh my tian! I really enjoyed this day ttm!

We headed back home after dinner. But, heheh, I didn't go back home straight. My silly baby brought me down to Pasir Ris Park. Hahah. When we thought there's only 2 of us... Who knows. . . There're so many people at PRP! All with lighted candles and lanterns. Wello well~ It's okaiiii. For me, as long as we're together, I don't mind going anywhere. (= After PRP, he sent me back home. Kekekke.. Baby loves "tmm", but.. for me, as long as we both are together, I feel that's the most "tmm-ist" moment ever! ;P

Okai! Pictures time! ;)

Okay, that's not the end. I still have some things to say. Haha.

Last night, I was talking to Mummy about how "scary" a human's heart can be. For these few months, things has been not smooth for me. And from incidents that happened made me learnt that "One's mouth can really be as sharp as a polished knife." It can simply shoot out words that will hurt as much as a knife stabbing right thru into your heart.

I was pricked by it time and again but I've finally learnt how to prevent this. I have a choice; To let these words go or to let it in and get pricked. And, I chose to let it be dissolved so that it will never be able to reach into my heart... I do have a choice. I just have to learn how to manage it...

It's tiring to keep every single word to my heart. Some people says, I'm stubborn, self-centered, hard to handle, emotional, immature etc. While others says, I'm easy-going, kind, sensible, mature etc. Negative comments are not hurtful instead, negative comments that are not true are 10 times more hurting...

For all these while, I've been keeping every single words and comments from the people around me. And I started to point them out one by one to my Mum last night. I wanna know how she feels about it. And, if what people say is true, I wanna know how I can change myself to be better. After listening to what she said, I felt at eased. My Mum is a straightforward person like me. Even if I'm her daughter, when I'm wrong, she will straight away point out where I went wrong.. She's not the type who'll try to cover my mistakes just because I'm her daughter.

Yes, indeed I'm not perfect.

No matter how much I try to change myself, it's impossible for me to reach Perfection. I feel tired. But my Mum tells me, it's also impossible to please every single one out there. So, what matters most is, "To be happy and do things that are not against your conscience. And that's more than enough." But of course, things that I can improve, I will try to improve.

Misinterpreted words, misunderstandings, misjudgements... I've been wanting to explain myself but.. I find it pointless now. I can't possibly please everyone, so it doesn't really makes a difference even if I were to try my best to explain to them that "I am NOT what they think I am".

Anyway,
It's
All
Over.

So, just move on! (=

Alrighty!

I'm going off to GanMummy's house. Miss her so much! Heheh.

Toodles!

Not happy, not sad.. (=

2010-09-16T03:05:00.001+08:00

Dear Diary,

It's dark and peaceful now. But, I can't sleep. When the Sun is about to rise, I'll start feeling sleepy.. My "body clock" is really corrupted badly. I need to get it fixed before I can begin with anything. I'm losing too much time sleeping in the day.. I need to find a purpose for me to wake up early.. Otherwise, I'll never be motivated to do it..

I need to start living a meaningful life. I've been wasting too much time.. But yet at the same time I can't rush things otherwise it'll backfire. Sigh* Please instill more strength in me... I need it badly...

Alright, I've nothing much to share.. No pictures as well.. Till next time!

Have a good night sleep! Smiles*

Getting back up! 8/10

2010-09-15T01:26:00.001+08:00

Dear Diary,

I've been lacking of inspirations.. C'mon, please help me get em' back! I used to have it flowing so magically, but now, no matter how hard I think, nothin' comes to my mind... *Aww*

Oh, yeah, I've created a flickr account just a few days back.. http://www.flickr.com/photos/jenice_yeo/
So you guys can go take a look and perhaps give some comments on my photos? (= I've never had any photography lessons so.. yeah, just simply capture random scenes/objects/people with my own "feel".. And, I really enjoy it! Almost everywhere I go, my camera is sure to be in my bag or hanging around my neck. Laughs*

Recently, I've made a new friend on msn. He is from China, 21 yrs old.. It's kinda weird at first to keep typing to him in chinese but I somehow got used to it since I've been talking to him for quite some time.. For like maybe.. about a week? While communicating with him makes me realized 1 thing about myself. Whenever he asked me what I'm doing, my answers will either be "写歌词", "唱歌" or "拍照".. Not "自拍" ah.. Haha. Just randomly take pictures of my stuffs..

So yeah, he'll start asking like,
"你会写歌词?"
"你一定唱得很好听咯"
"你拍的照一定很好"

Yeah, he said something like that...

And I'll be replying, "我什么都没学过勒。。也不知道算好或不好。但，我就是凭感觉。。" Laughs!*

From here, I realized that.. I'm really not skillful in anything.. But... for whatever that I've done, I seemed to always rely on my "Feel".. I'm not trained in singing, not trained in photography, poetry, composing lyrics, designing... But because of this word, "Feel" makes me have the ability to do all these and.. when I doubt that I did a good job, people around me proves me that I do have talents in them.. And all I need is.. Time.. Courage.. Confident.. to polish those little hidden talents inside...

GanMummy really knocked me with her powerful words that day. She furiously, harshly, loudly say, "ARE YOU THAT WEAK? THAT STUPID TO FALL INTO THE TRAP??? ARE YOU GONNA STAY ON LIKE THIS FOREVER? ARE YOU REALLY REALLYY THATTTT WEAKKKKK???!!!! *^@#&^$^@(*%)*#%...................."

Okay, actually there's lots of stuffs she said but that's only for me to know. Hehee. After she finished scolding, I was like knocked conscious!(Usually people get knocked unconscious but I'm exceptional. Hehee =P)

So yeah!!! I'm gonna train these little babies of mine... Babies that sing, compose lyrics, poetry, photography, design... Haha. They need time for me to slowly train and "polish"... I'm sure I'll lead them to somewhere... (=

You've knocked me down till the very bottom. Since I've already reached the bottom.. which means... you can't knock me down any further!!! Muahhaha. Now, it's time for me to get back up at you! And, that's what Taurus always do! STUBBORN, not easily defeated! But in nicer words, PERSEVERENCE, never get defeated easily! Laughs*

Alright, here're some cool and true stuffs about Me, a TAURUS... Which I find them very true!

When you come across a Taurus female, the first thing you will notice about her is her undefeatable emotional strength. She is capable of handling the severest of problems, without shedding even a single tear.(Yeah, I hardly cry... I think.) She has the infamous Taurus temper, but it is seldom displayed. At least not until the provocation is too much to digest. She is as feminine as any other female, without the unnecessary tantrums. A Taurus woman has no desire of dominating her husband. She will let him handle the reins, infact this is what she secretly desires.

A Taurus woman wants a real man, who can make her proud of himself as much as she is proud of herself. However, if he fails in his role, she will take the control in her own hands. Neither will she act like a mewing kitten, nor like a roaring lioness. She has a mind of her own, but she does not want to dominate in the relationship. Taurean women do not see social status while making their friends. They want to be friends with people who do not hide their true nature and come across as they really are.

VERY TRUE!

Alright,

Good Night!
Sweet dreams!

Taste it and let me know if they're sweet tmr... Giggles*

Released! 9/10

2010-09-13T15:46:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

Last night was a bad bad night... I don't know what happened to me. These few days I kept crying for nothing. Or perhaps for some accumulated things... but I can't be bothered to type them down here. Yesterday, GanMummy was kinda agitated and scolded me. I don't hate her for this of course instead I really blame myself for being so stupid.

Right from the beginning, she has been tryin' to prevent me from falling into the trap yet in the end I still fell into it. She did her best to protect me yet in the end I wasted her efforts and still got hurt... Why am I so silly? Sigh*

I'm awake now.

It's pointless for me to hold on to this "hatred" that will only lead me to more miseries. I re-read the past few posts I wrote... And, I seemed to have really lost my mind... It's like....... *Sigh*

Anyway, it's over. I feel more lightened up after letting down the "hatred" and "revenge" I have in my heart. GanMummy really woke me up yesterday. I'm really thankful for that... seriously... otherwise I think my heart will be stained and I'll really join Devil. I'm glad it's over... I've finally regained my conscious.. *Smiles*

And... I really have to thank Mummy for staying by my side... She never once leave me alone to bleed... It hurts me to see her crying together with me last night. But, Mum, I believe one day I'll be able to make up for all your tears and efforts... I love you... (=

Alright!
No pictures today. Hehehe..

Till next time!
Tata!

Shagged 8/10

2010-09-12T00:12:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

Finally fulfilled my cravings for pasta... Heavenly~~~ Ryan, Axel and I had Pastamania while the adults went dinner their own. Nothing much happen today... Just-another-day... Except that, I'm really very tired, as usual...

Pictures up!

And.... There's this beautiful moth that flew into my house... It's white in color, so angelic! (= Take a look, it's unique eh?

Okai! That's all for today.

Good Night sweethearts! (=

P.S: I miss my sisstar.

Troubled 9/10

2010-09-11T17:45:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

As promised to bring my cousin Ryan out..., we went to the bustling city at Orchard Rd. Laughs* We had lunch at Far East Plaza, my favourite Pontian Wanton Noodles! Taste soooo heavenly~ Planned to have SLICE as our dessert BUT the shop is gone! Frowns***

After lunching, we headed to Shaw Centre for our movie. My uncle has free tickets so OFF we went for... "The Hole".......! Oh, splendid. It wasn't all that scary but it did freaked me out several times. Hurhur. All along I'm alright with clowns as they never fail to bring the smiles to people.. But after this movie..., f**k! I HATE CLOWNS! I get goosebumps whenever I start picturing how the clown looks like... bbbbrrrr... so freaky....

Alright, enough of.. c..lowns... Yuck* I went shopping around ION while my 14 yr old super tall cousin followed me.. giving me opinions as well... Laughs* How cute. I feel like I'm a big sister taking my little cousin who don't seem "little" at all. Kinda weird huh! But well, it's still fine overall. We had dinner @ TCC as suggested by him. It's super ex... But it's alright... Since it's the first time I'm out with him alone, why not enjoy our hearts out with sumptuous dinner right..? Smiles*

Here're the pictures... (=

Anyway, I had a pretty good day out with my cousin.. It's indeed a good cousin-bonding-time together.. (=

Last night,
I had a heart-to-heart talk with my Mummy.. I really don't know why I tell her all those stuffs... Sigh* I don't know... I feel so... confused... lost... Argh. I-don't-know. My heart is simply filled with several knots untied... It's terrible... ):

And seriously, I don't know why I'm still so stupid to actually let such an immature adult ruined my emotions just like that. F**k! Who she thinks she is to insult me like that?! She haven't even seen me once! What makes her think she have the right to lecture me?! Say me a FAILURE? Even if I am, you have NO RIGHTS to say that to me! And SO WHAT if I am a big big failure, I don't think it even frickkin' concerns you! It's none of your business!!!

I had enough. Really had enough!

Tired 8/10

2010-09-10T01:02:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

I am so happy! Happy to be able to sleep better with the help of sleeping pills... (= Anyway, I went shopping with Mummy today at Bugis. I enjoyed but didn't really enjoyed as I hate the crowd! BUT, thank you Mummy for getting me boots and a cool top...! Love it! But I love you more.. (=

And.. here're the pictures I took ~~today~~...

My Queen Mummy so cute right... Giggles* Oh yeah, that hand above is hers. Not mine... So cute right? Kekekeke... Our hands are small... But compared to hers, of course, mine are smaller.. :P

Just now while shopping at Bugis Street, this lady.. she recommended me a top.. First look, I know it's too big for me. But she said it's free size and it should look good on me. But after I put it on, she laughed and said, "你太小只了" Oh well~~~ So after I left the shop I told my Mum about it, and you know what my Mum say? She says.... that lady.. maybe she meant that you're too SHORT.. not small.. Laughs!* What the hell. My Mum so bad right... Hahahha!

After shopping we went to Whitesands to pack dinner back.. So yeah, that's my day! Cool?

And... this incident I had in the Mrt just now.. I don't know what is God tryin' to tell me.. I'm left me with so much doubts and.. I don't know... It's just wayyy too coincident... It seemed like everything is simply predestined..... But.. predestined to what..? I've still no answers to it...

Shall leave everything up to Fate... I've did my part. Now, it's really up to Fate...

Good Night.

Tired 9/10

2010-09-09T03:19:00.001+08:00

Dear Diary,

It has been a long day today! I woke up in the morning and went to pray at Si Ma Lu Temple together with my Mum, GanMummy, Kelly and my other aunties. I wasn't in a rainbow mood to do anything or to go anywhere. Seriously, my insomnia is killin' me. And what's worst, there're so many people at the temple and I was like.. "Oh dear!!!!!!! Oh no!!!!!!"

My messed-up mind made me even more cranky that I felt like shoving everyone off and away from me.. "Argh!!" It's that kind of HELL feeling! I felt awefully terrible until I got the urge to burst out into tears..

This aweful feeling sucks a lot. Because, I felt like I've totally lost my Self. "DON'T TOUCH ME, STAY AWAY FROM ME..." That's all that runs in my mind...

And whoever who accidentally hit or push me, I'll just simply shout F**K! But of course, I managed to control myself.. I don't know what has gone wrong with me... I just felt so agitated and lost... I tried really hard to control all these emotions because I know I'm the one who's insane! Nobody owes me anything and they shouldn't deserve all these nonsense from me.. But sometimes, I really can't help it.. I can't control myself...
I know, I sucks a lot... )':

After that, I was sent back home because I really can't take it anymore. So I reached home at about 5p.m, and had a nap at 6p.m. After I woke up, I cabbed down back to GanMummy's place then at midnight Dad drove us back home..

Anyway, though my emotions sucks right to the very bottom, I still tried to lighten myself up with some photography. (= While out with them to Si Ma Lu, as usual, my camera is always by my side.. I snapped some candid shots. As I mentioned in the previous post, I wanna add more pictures to this blog since I really like photography.. So yeah, here it is!

Yeahyeah, I realized I spent more time with "aunties" than with friends my age... How pathetic, as my friends are like.. countable with 10 fingers... So... yeah... )=

But I do enjoyed with "older people" leh! Haha. Because, I find them more.. adorable(hehee), genuine.. And also, at their age they tend to go thru more life experiences. Thus, they gave me a sense of secure.. They are very truthful and you can tell that they are not masked... Unlike people nowadays, teenagers.. adults.. frickinn' lose to an elderly... If you get what I'm saying...

So yeah, I feel I can get along pretty well with them too. Though the age gap is like.. very big.. Haha. Anyway, I simply lovee them lah! Laughs!*

Oh yeah, it's kinda weird and random when I started ransacking my house for those buddhist books of quotes and stuffs like that... But yeah, I suddenly got the urge and interest to read them. And I just realized, the buddhist book that JiaHe gave me is actually a smaller version of the same book that I have. Laughs!* What a coincidence! No wonder I find the name "Jing Si Yu" soo familiar. Laughs*

This is the one.. A book filled with meaningful quotes... You know, this book has got a really funny affinity with me.. My mum actually found this at a hotel a few years back... Laughs* Well, someone must've forgot and left it there. But since no one came to claim it back, my mum gave it to me as she finds it very meaningful..

And one of my favourite quote is:
"To willingly undergo hardship for the sake of helping others is Compassion"

So yeap! That's about it!

Before I go, I would really like to share with you about this sweet cousin of mine.. He is so sweet that he left me a message on Facebook..

He is realllly sweet, righttt? (= By the way, he is sec2 this year.. A very tall and shy boy... (=
If you remember I did mention about him in one of my posts.. He is somehow like me.. Lack of self-confidence.. Low self-esteem.. Those bits and pieces... very much like me...

He should be mingling up with boys his age, enjoying sports together, getting all sweaty.. enjoying those "brotherhood" times with his schoolmates.. Isn't it supposed to be like this? But he isn't...

Actually I also understand that it would be kinda hard for him to be closed friends with others since nowadays teens are completely getting out of hand... So no doubt he would feel like a different world with them.

So yeah, I really hope I would be able to be there for him, help him gain his confidence and self-esteem.. Although I myself is lacking them.... Well, I just have to pray for God to instill more strengths in me so that I can guide my little cousins along the way...

Sometimes, when children failed to get the attention from the parents/parents are too busy that they tend to neglect how the feelings of their children, these children will tend to feel lost and unloved... So, I, as their cousin, should be there to guide them since they feel comfortable sharing things with me than to the adults...

I shouldn't give up being there for them just because I'm afraid my "depression" will affect them.. I shouldn't doubt my ability to bring happiness to them since they looked up upon me like their own blood sister, a confidant whom they can turn to...

Thanks Ryan,
You're always my good and A-star cousin too! Your message really makes me smile and also a good motivation for me to persevere thru my darkest moment... Love you a lot cousin!
With lots of love,
Alycia jiejie.

Alright!
Good Night Earth! (=

I need a break! 10/10

2010-09-08T00:47:00.004+08:00

Dear Diary,

I really need "a break"!

Still, my insomnia hasn't got any better. It makes me feel so sick. Damn it. I gotta sleep early tonight, I hope I will. Because tomorrow I might have to wake up early to the temple with Mummy and aunties.. (=

Hmm, you know what? I feel it's really funny when she puts it in such a way that he really needs a lot of encouragments and being an ex-sister of his,the least I could do is to send him my regards. Any idea how much I went thru these 3 years? When I thought I could finally "feel the Hope" towards my recovery, my "sister" left me. After she left, do you think I'm really moving on fine? Yes, I am still living good, but that does not mean my hurt is any lesser than him..!

My best friends and sisters, I don't see them pestering or telling her how much encouragements I really need from her. They as well saw the efforts I did for her, they know how hurt I am when she left me without a word... My mum, dad, they all know how much I am affected by this matter.. I was so depressed that my doctor wants to increase the dosage of my medicine.. Now tell me who is there to pass this message to that "sister" of mine, to tell her how much encouragements I need from her since I'm really "sick" now.. Who? Nobody.

Since there's nobody to help me salvage this, must I put on a sad face everywhere I go?? Must I create a blog for her so that one day when I leave she'll know how much she meant to me??! Oh-my-gosh. That's just crazy! This simply shivers down my spine... I see her like an elder sis, and for goodness sake please don't tell me he treats me like a younger sis. Because, even a blind person can see that his "love" for a "younger sister" has already reached and exceeded the limit!

My loved ones don't react like how you people did. You know why? It's not because they don't love or care about me. It just simply shows the maturity level of them is so much higher compared to you people.

Since you people can understand how he felt, why can't you understand me? Why keep bothering me just because of a 32 yr old guy who just lost a "sister" whom he met LESS than 10 times...! This is totally crazy. Please don't try to imply that I don't know how to "care" and "cherish" because I know it much better than you do. And if you adults has really experienced way more things in life than me, I believe, you won't react in this way towards this matter..

Okay, that's enough. Whether or not you people hate or despise me, just simply go ahead. I'm not as kind or as "angel-like" like how he told you.. Now that you've seen my true colors, stop bothering my life anymore. I just want you to know that, in Life, you don't always get to make a choice. And even if you've made a choice, it does not mean your choice is gonna be right.. When things don't go your way does not always mean that you have to force your way thru... Because in the end, who gets the most hurts? It's none other than yourself...
(That's what I've learnt...)

I am not perfect. To some people, they think I've made the right choice while to others they might also think I'm wrong. He/she may thinks I'm an Angel, but on the other side you people for instance might see me as a Devil. Seriously, I can't please everyone but as long as I'm happy and I do things that doesn't betray my conscience, I feel, that's enough for me..

What's over IS over. But if there's affinity, I believe, one day, we'll meet again. Otherwise.. Anyway, that's all I wanna say... Take care.

P.s: I have the urge to post more pictures next time instead of a wordy blog I feel like renewing it with interesting pictures... Well... since I like photography.. What do you think? Cool? ;P

Good Night!

Pain 8/10

2010-09-07T01:06:00.001+08:00

Dear Diary,

It's the first time in my life someone scolds me "heartless". It hurts. But it's okay. As long as I know what I'm doing is right, I don't mind being misunderstood like that. I just never thought how people could "analyse" things in such an immature way... Maybe I should just bang my head on the wall and wake up from my own dream world. Fancy thinking that everyone is genuine when the fact is, all of them are just hiding behind their own masks...!

Out of a million people, there's barely 10 of them who're not masked. IF you think a stranger that pops up out of nowhere who treats you super well is a good person..., you gotta really slap yourself and wake up! There's no free lunch or dinner in this world. Money, needless to say, won't drop from the sky. Love & Compassion, if you think they're free? Then, it's really time to wake up from your dream!

I'm a fine living example for accepting such "compassion" which I don't fking need them.

You are the one who came to me and offers me a helping hand. I trusted you. From you, I get to know your friend. Then soon, you felt that I'm "hard to handle" and pushed me to a guy so much more older than me whom I just knew for less than a week. You left. Clean your hands and out of this mess, you shirk your responsibility as a friend.. It's okay.What's unforgiving is, you called MY friends to my favourite singing session BUT.. without me... Nice. And now what? Turn a blind eye? A deaf ear? Your friend is frickinn' undergoing an operation and yet it's also my fault again when I don't visit him.

His friend "bothered" me, accusing me as if they know me super well. This is just crazy...! What have I gotta do with you people? All of you are in your 30s, don't you have anything better to do...? I'm just frickinn' 18 years old, I don't have the need to mingle up with you guys when you people don't even behave like how a mature adult will do. I had enough of all these! Ever since you came to my life, everything's a disaster! Yeayea, you can say I've disrupted your peaceful life. But have you ever thought of me???

Seriously, I hate myself for putting so much love and efforts to this friendship. I really hate myself for having such a weak heart. Otherwise, I could've just ignored whatever stupid emails his "sister"... I wouldn't even have used my friend's Facebook acc. to check if he's alright. Up till now, I'm still frickinn' concerned about "him" and "her".. Why the hell do I have such a weak heart?! It's time for me to CARE less..

Say I'm evil, cruel, heartless whatever stupid shit. I won't give a damn anymore! I have my own frickinn' problems to deal with. I don't have the strengths to care about a 32 yr old guy who supposed to be "big" enough to care for his own health. I REALLY HAD ENOUGH!!!

This post is for her, him and his "sister". Whether or not you people will get to come across this message, I don't care. But if you do, don't bother to contact me anymore because, I don't give a damn. Thank you.

Argh!!! Any idea how pissed and hurt I am?! I never thought I could be THAT stupid. Time and again, I actually went to visit her facebook profile, her fanpage.. Whenever I see the "Likes" on her fanpage increases, I smiled and feel happy for her. When I can't sleep at night and my shoulders start aching, I will wonder if her back is alright now.. have she gone for the surgery...? F**k! Have my mind gone crazy?! Look, I don't wanna be so stupid anymore. I bet even a pig is smarter than me. This is really insane... I gotta stop all these nonsense going on inside my little pea brain. It's time to wake up!
WAKE UP!
WAKE UP!
WAKE UP!
WAKE UP!
WAKE UP!!!

Good Night!

I hope you'll vanish in my dream.

Tired and tired 9/10

2010-09-06T02:34:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

It's MONDAY! Time flies super fast right?! I went to GanMummy's house just now and of course this made my day! Just by seeing her smiles is good enough for me. (= And, she actually had a "stomach" operation last friday. But I only gotta find out about this today. Ahhhh. It hurts me a lot. Even though she's the one dealing with the pain but I'm the one who feels it in the heart... Get well soon GanMummy! Love you always and forever...

I haven't been sleeping well for 3 days already. This feeling sucks. I need sleeping pills... )=

Everyday I'm tryin' hard to cope with this "Devil" living inside me... I'm tormented by it until I got so tired. I thought I could finally rest to sleep at night. But no, it never lets me off. Soon, very soon, I'm gonna have a nervous breakdown. You and you and you and YOU! Those who despise me, hate me, hurt me, stepped on me, tortured me before, you happy now? Feel your heart, you know who you are. Though some of you might not come across this blog of mine, I'm sure your conscience will prick you! Smile and laugh all you want! Open up your champagne and celebrate! The theme would be, "Alycia's darkness looms again!" Go ahead! Enjoy!

You're gonna have a good show seeing me fall again and again. Push me down at every time I tried to stand up.. Watch me fall and bleed... Very entertaining for you to watch? Free tickets eh? NOW the show is OVER! I'm defeated flat on the ground, bleeding... You happy now? Laughs!*

Oh well, I don't have an education. Neither do I have any talents. Since I'm just "master of none", that shows I'm a good-for-nothing, isn't it...? Alright~ You can laugh~ Laugh all you want~

I'm tired now.

Good Night.

Tired 9/10

2010-09-05T03:06:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

It's Sunday! And I'm gonna go GanMummy's house later together with my parents. Smiles* These days I've been watching a new HK drama called, "公主嫁到".. So far I find this show rather hilarious. Giggles* Sitting on my bed with laptop on my lap.. Plugged earpiece into my ears and began.. "hahhahahahahhaa". Yeah, I always do that, to entertain myself. Even if it's not that funny I'll still laugh out loud. And no, I'm not crazy. I'm just a little "unwell"..(Just like the song, "Unwell". Haha)

Otherwise I would just start Youtubing and find something for me to laugh. Everyday I feel unwell. I-can't-help-it. Sometimes when I get tired of entertaining myself with drama series and all, I'll just lie on bed and listen to my favourite songs. Or I would just start scribbling words onto a piece of paper to vent out my suppressed feelings. In my "free" time when I feel lost, I'll just simply do stupid silly stuffs to keep myself occupied. Well, at the very least I don't do "stupid" things.. So, who cares? (=

Anyway I've been lacking of sleep! Though I seemed to be only awake at 3 in the afternoon BUT seriously, I had a hard time tossing turning on my bed for the whole night.. and.. morning... Till 6a.m in the morning and I'm still awake. It's really torturing... It makes my shoulders and back aches as well as my gastric to get worst. Seemed like recently my insomnia is deteriorating... It's really TERRIBLE! Argh!!! ):

I'm getting sick of my life. I don't even know why I am still here for... I should've been longed gone but I don't know why God still wanna keep me on this Earth. I know he wants me to reach out for people who need help but I failed this mission already. Why can't he just take me back to where I initially belonged to, be it Heaven or Hell... Why still keep me living so miserably on this Earth when I can't even help or contribute anything... ):

I had enough already. You've seen how devil tortures me... My heart is here to "Feel", my hands are here to "Reach".. My mind is here to "Keep"..

"Feel" the heart of others,
"Reach" out for them when they need me,
"Keep" everyone in my heart.

But things proved me that everything of the above are all wrong... so wrong...!
I tried
to feel,
to reach,
to keep.

In the end,
I bleed,
I fall,
I'm begging myself to forget...

Afterall, whatever that I do, in others' eyes, I'm just nothing. It's okay if I'm a nothing but instead, I turned out to be a "hypocrite"... You know, till now, I still feel like a big big.. biggest fool... When everything is just so simple, I felt like I became the world's greatest sinner...

I always tell myself Depression doesn't exist in my dictionary. But, things happened made me "wake up". Depression still exist, I'm just merely escaping. I hate this stupid thing inside me that I can't seem to get rid of it. Not even after 3 frickkin' long years...!

If you know the way to get out of it, please help me. But, after you've decided to help me out of this maze, please don't desert me halfway thru... You know what I mean. Never hold onto my hands when you've already planned to let me go. If you've never felt it before, I tell you, it hurts. A lot.

Good Night.

It's officially over. (:

2010-09-04T05:20:00.000+08:00

I couldn't suppress it anymore and finally picked up my courage to "confess" to him. But, it's all over now. Oh, yeah.., Alycia made the first move and got rejected by a guy for the very first time. You know, afterall, nike's slogan "Just Do It" isn't good at all. If only I can just keep everything to myself, I wouldn't get rejected, wouldn't get hurt now... Well, I guess, at least I've said everything that I felt deep inside me.. And so, I won't live in any regrets... Hmm. It's alright(=

After talking to him, I also feel that we seemed to have a huge gap in between us. His words hurt me but I guess it's time for me to learn to handle all these emotional changes... Besides, I've hurt him deeply before. So I guess, it's kinda "fair" now. Well, he is still a nice guy to me. But, perhaps, our affinity has all been used up since months back.. We failed the "test of time".. It's alright.. Since it's officially over then.. no point dwelling into it anymore, right..? (=

Honestly, I'm feeling the excruciating pain in my heart now. Before this was, the friendship with her. She hurts me so deep that until now I still cannot bring myself to believe that she is such a person. And, just before this wound is healed, I carved another wound in me.. If only I stick to my pride and not confess to him, I wouldn't be left with another unhealed wound in my heart.. Oh well, God just simply wants me to face all these... I don't understand why... Hahs. But I just gotta face it, with a smile...

Jay Chou's song, "Shuo Le Zai Jian".. He said this song reminds him of us.. And so I immediately went Youtube to listen to it.. My heart sank. I cried...What a crybaby huh. Hahs. Anyway, though we can't be lovers, can't be friends anymore, but I still sincerely wish all the best for him in whatever he does... (=

Alycia really need lots of time to recuperate... If anyone of you out there who is free for kbox/movie or anything, just give me a call or leave me a message. Please help me get occupied so that I can live longer.. Laughs*

Alright, I'm really tired now.

Good Night sweeties! (=

Heartbroken 9/10

2010-09-04T02:58:00.001+08:00

Dear Diary,

I said, I failed to be student, failed to be daughter, failed to be sister, failed to be a friend.. But I realized that all along I've missed out one more.. I-failed-to-be-a-girlfriend.

Everytime when I'm on msn, I opened his conversation. I wanna talk to him but as my fingers laid upon my keyboard, everything remaind still. I can't seemed to move at all. Just now, I read the chatlog on msn.. From the day we were sweet till it gets bitter.. and.. everything just ended way too abruptly. It really hurts...

I love him. Why do I keep denying? From the day we got together, I've so much faith in the both of us. But just because of this stupid depression and.. whatever external factors.. we both failed to pass the test. When I was reading our conversation, I feel extremely pain in my heart. I'm really a lousy girlfriend... )':

Kor tells me to let down my pride.. Sis agrees as well. I don't know if it's really about my pride. But, I realize I've not gave in my trust enough that leads to this failed relationship. All along, I have this fear.. Towards my boyfriend, I tend to hide my feelings towards him. I'm afraid he will know how much he meant to me... I talked to Sis about it that day and I guess she's the only one who knows how I feel. She told me to "open up my heart".. Tell him that I still love him..

10 more days... Can I persevere a little bit more..? After reading the chatlog, I feel the urge to tell him how much he meant to me. And, I really wanna say, "I'm sorry." Sorry for being such a failure as a girlfriend... )':

I'm having a mixed feeling now. I really wanna look up for him, talk to him, tell him how I really feel deep inside... But yet I'm afraid I might affect his preparations for exam.. Tell me what to do... Though it's just 10 more days..., I'm feeling so suffocated. There's way too many things I've got to tell him. I need to see him soon... ):

What if.. he doesn't love me anymore... What should I do...

Will you piece my heart back...

Yawn 8/10

2010-09-03T01:58:00.003+08:00

Dear Diary,

I postponed my appointment with Dr Cheryl today. Aha. I'm just speechless so no point going there for nothing. Anyway, I still woke up at 12.30pm then headed off to Tampines Mall for brunch with Mummy. We had dim sum at Crystal Jade.. My favourite plain congee... Giggles* My Mummy loves dim sum and I kinda like it too! So we both enjoyed this brunch together.. Giggles*

After dim sum-ing, we had some window shopping. I wanted to buy this really cool shoe at Levis but.. the smallest size is 36.. So.. too bad... For it's way too big for me... Then we headed to Whitesands... Then.... Mummy went back while I went to meet Jp Kor. Well, well.. well... I don't wanna be home so early and start thinking about him.. thinking about other "unworthy stuffs"... So yeah, Kor & I hit E!hub's kbox at about 5 and left at 8. But that's not the end... Muahahaha.

After kbox, we quickly went down to the cinema, bought 2 tix for "Haunted Changi".. Then we went straight in to the theatre as it was a 8.10pm show. The timing is just so... Perfectttt. But what the hell, the show sucks. Just like "Paranormal Activity"! Sucha copier lor. Nope, not recommended to watch. At all. Totally wasted my $$$.

Anyway, after singing, after watching... We went to WestPlaza for dinner then I went back. Oh yeah, a rather.. alright day I suppose...

But....

When I'm out with Mum, out with Jp, my mind is still filled with him.. Even in kbox singing, Kor sang this song called "Wo Zhen De Shou Shang Le" by Zhang Xue You reminds me of him.. They both made the same mistake in that song.. I remembered when we went Teoheng to sing together, I had a pretty hard time correcting his pitch as he always got the melody mixed up. Haha. Okay, I think I better stop otherwise I'll just simply fill this whole lengthy paragraph of him..

I talked to Sis just now. And what she says is right, "He is worth the wait". I will wait patiently till the day comes... Though it's just merely 11 more days, I felt it's more like 264 hours! (Okay, I actually used my iphone's calculator to calculate..-.-) 264 HRS! It's super long right!

I've never felt like this before... I've never thought I would ever be stuck in such a situation... ): If only he could feel me right now... He would know how much I miss him... Back then when we're still together, I'm already totally in love with Kewei's song and kept singing and repeating "Come closer to me now.. baby...~" infront of him. And he would also sing it back to me. But now, I'm not only in love with the song, I am totally in love and missing singing this song to him... ):

Will you..
Come closer to me now... Baby... ~

Then.. lastly, I would like to thank my lovely sister for being here for me. I love you siSTAR! You know, I felt that though we don't meet that often, the bond between us seemed to get stronger. You seemed to begin to understand how I feel so much more than before, and I also feel the same towards you. I also start to realize that we both sisters actually have quite a lot of things in common. Wonder if you think the same? Haha(= Anyway, no worries sis... Whatever that happens, we'll always be there for one another. Just like the stars... I smiled when I saw that you wore it in your photos. Glad that you like it. (= So yeah, cheer up! Don't emo nemo alright... Must be like DORY.. "Just keep swimming..." Heheh. But of course you don't swim, you walk.. Heheh :P

Alright, that's all for now.
Good Night sweethearts! ;)

Lethargic 8/10

2010-09-02T02:06:00.001+08:00

Dear Diary,

I'll be seeing Dr Cheryl soon.. Wonder how it'll be like as I'm still not used to talking to her.. )= I'll be waking up at 12.30pm. Lucky it's not in the morning... So I guess, I will be just....fine~ And I hope it doesn't rain tomorrow otherwise.. my mood... ): Actually even if it don't rain I'm already very much affected.. Duh.

I am so tired. I know I've said this many many times. But I am really VERY tired. Mentally. Sigh* 可不可以...可不可以不勇敢？I don't wanna be a brave girl to face all these. I'm so tired already. I'd rather be weak and get myself destroyed totally. Why must I even persevere up till now despite being tormented by this "stupid devil" again and again... Am I stupid or what?

I'd rather die being weak than living in pain being strong. But like in the song she said, "This too shall pass". Will it really pass? It has been years........... I persevered. I failed. I persevered even more. The number of failures increased even more. What does these mean? )=

Seriously I sucks in everything. I failed to study. I failed to overcome my obstacles. I failed in relationship. I failed in being a daughter. I failed in guitar. I failed in vocal lessons. I failed in working. Recently, I just failed in friendship. Then now, I failed in being myself, failed.. failed.. failed.. If my life were to be graded in a report book, it'll be marked with a big F, FAIL! And yes, totally "Fcuked up".

I-am-such-a-wimp.

Sorry to all who loved me... I know I'm an utter disappointment. ):

Good Night.

Tired 8/10

2010-09-01T02:30:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

I enjoyed myself with my little baby angels ~~today~~ at my ah yi's centre. I love the way they smile.. Kinda starting to miss them now especially my favourite little shy boy, Euston.. Hope to see him real soon again (=

A few days back my parents and I were watching this life story about a girl who can't grow.. It's a syndrome called "Dwarfism". And not only her, there're many other people with this illness as well. Then I thought to myself how lucky I am. Throughout these years, indeed I've seen quite a lot. But, I just can't seem to overcome "that stupid thing" in my heart...

What is Life to you?
And I'm gonna answer, "I don't know."

As far as I know, for all these 3 years that I lived, I've been living in grieve and miseries. My ambition since young is to become a counselor/psychologist/social worker, well.. simply anything that I could do to help others who're in need. But I don't know why God led me to the "pathway of Depression".. Now, I myself is drowning then... how am I supposed to help others? )':

Frankly speaking, at times, I thought of just giving up. As in, give up the thought of being able to "help others". But time and again when I thought of giving up, God doesn't seem to allow me to.

Those old granny who sells tissues on the street.. I don't know if they can see thru my face that I'll buy from them or .. I don't know. But out of so many people on the street, they actually only asked me for help to buy tissues from them. There's even once where this granny actually held on tightly to my hand as if she knows that I'll stop for her.. And, when I gave her the money and asked her to keep the change, she was actually smiling so happily.. This happened quite a number of times.. Whenever I see them, I feel so heartbroken... Yet, I can't help.. If only I'm rich, I'll have the ability to stop all these sufferings...

I once told my mum that I can seemed to hear the "cries" of others.. I can feel that there're so many people who needs help. I really wanna be there for them. But, I'm not any superwoman with special powers. I'm not like superman who have "wings" to fly to people who needs him. I don't have such abilities. I just merely have a heart that feels... So what can I do..?

You tell me you hate my depression, I will tell you, I hate it a thousand and million times more than you do. Mum, Dad, God Mummy and everyone who loves me.. I feel sucha disappointment. I can't wait to get cured, I can't wait to "strengthen my wings" to fly.. I can't wait to start saving others, to let them witness Rainbow again... But now, I myself don't even see any Hope.. Then how am I suppose to convince others that there IS still Hope? I'm so lost.

Losing myself is already torturing enough.. If possible, I would very much keen to do anything just to see the smiles on their faces. But, I'm not any saint. I can't possibly satisfy everyone. Its impossible for me to have the ability to create a smile on everyone's face. I'm just a normal human being... I may bring much happiness to this person but I may also bring much hurts to another. Because, everyone's way of handling things is different. This person might like the way I handle situation while that person might think otherwise. Just like how some people can make me laugh so easily yet others made great efforts and only managed to make me smile...

I'm not a perfect person. I have many flaws. But though I've many flaws, whatever I do, I believe that I have/will try my best not to hurt anyone...

In the past, I would hurt myself for being so imperfect and useless. I feel I'm hopeless, I'm a failure. A BIG FAILURE. Why? I feel, I not only failed as a student, I failed as a daughter, failed as a friend, failed as sister, failed as a human being... And in conclusion of all these makes me a Big Failure. So I would just take out whatever sharp objects and start hurting myself.. The pain, the blood, it's "cool" to me. Because, "I deserve it".

Mum doesn't know that I still have such thoughts but I feel I'm much more "sensible" now to think properly so I didn't tell her.. It's really difficult struggling thru all these thoughts of suicidal.. But honestly, I feel lucky that I'm still alive. Because for the past few years, frankly speaking, I would've died if "God" doesn't save me. My suicidal thoughts were simply strong enough to kill me.. But since I managed to survive up till now, I believe there's a reason behind it. Though I still can't figure out what reason is it...

Suicidal thoughts are still running in my head at times when I'm very depressed.. And when it comes to that "moment", I really had a hard time struggling.. There's a few times when the scissors is already on my hand.. And I only managed to calm myself down after quite some time.. I don't wanna leave anymore scars... I don't wanna be so stupid anymore... Suicidal thoughts may still exist in this stupid brain of mine, but it won't ever happen... I won't die THAT easily. UNLESS accident happens... Which is very unlikely! If my GanMummy can still be living despite countless obstacles that're 10times worst than me, I don't see why I can't do the same...

AND,
the same goes to the recent incident.. I don't wanna be so stupid anymore. I WON'T be so stupid anymore. Since that "Friendship" fails to pass the "test of time" then I believe no point trying to salvage it either...

Alright!
Gonna have a good night sleeeeep.

Nights sweeties! (=

This Too Shall Pass

2010-08-30T21:19:00.001+08:00

Dear Diary,

Today is a "Blue" day. It has been so long since I woke up in such an early morning. It's not a good feeling to wake up in a rainy morning as it pretty much affect one's mood. And, I don't feel good waking up in the morning witnessing students walking to school... I was in the lift when I saw this girl in my primary school uniform.. It brings me back to history where Cammie, Jiale and I were dress in the same blue skirt and shirt walking to school together. Those were the best time of my school life... (=

Dad drove us to HPB(Health Promotion Board), as usual, I'll sit infront while Mummy will enjoy the sofa at the back, sometimes even fell asleep there. Laughs* I was sitting infront having my Macdonalds breakfast, my favourite hotcakes(with lots of honey! ;P). Then I got a tummyache as soon as I reached there. Oh well, needless to say, it's gastric again; "my best friend". I was wondering why is my gastric acting up when I just had hotcakes... Then I realized, perhaps my stomach cannot adapt to eating too early in the morning.. Since the very last time I ate so early was... ... I can't even remember. Laughs*

Anyway, appointment with Dr Sung was.. o..kay.. It's the first time I spilled so many things to her.. I told her about the recent incidents. She said, "It's okay, not worth to let those people affect you..." I kept repeating, "I tried my best, really tried my best. Why must she still hurt me?" until... I nearly cried... But you know, I hate to cry. Especially to cry for someone who is not even worth.

Then I asked her if my depression is contagious etc etc.. I told her that sometimes I'm afraid to go out with my friends, I'm worried they will get affected. I really don't want to "spread" this depression to them. So she explained to me that if my friends are not affected, they cannot even considered as my true friends. She told me, instead of staying away from them just because I'm afraid I'll affect them, I should learn from them; to be more positive. She's right...

True friends won't leave you so easily. Instead, they will try their best to influence you with more positives and at the same time they will accept your negatives. I believe if my friend is sad, I'll be affected as much. That's true friendship. We affect one another but at the same time unknowingly we will also influence one another in a positive way... (=

And about "the recent incident", its-time-to-forget... I still have wonderful people in my life. I should stop being stupid and silly. I believe, like in Kewei's song, "This too shall pass"... Here's the lyrics:

我看起来很好不需要依靠
请别来打扰
爱在身边围绕我接受不到
暂时不敢面对心里空虚的一角

可不可以可不可以可不可以不勇敢
能不能停止对爱渴望
可不可以痛哭一场
风雨过后会看见曙光
This too shall pass 我坚持着希望

雨淋湿了眼眶悲伤中要坚强
是考验是成长
风吹散了伪装只剩下迷惘
雷电交响放大了一个人的孤单

终于发现抵抗会更难
内心的呼唤不该隐瞒
所以拥抱影子转身背后阳光
沈沦一分钟的绝望
却还坚信 This too shall pass

This song speaks a lot of me...
So like in the song,
"This Too Shall Pass, 我坚持着希望"...

Alycia shall stop grieving over unworthy stuffs... Start a new life... (=

Anyway, before I say good night, I wanna share these 2 pictures with you. They're my favourite. And since they are, there's sure a reason behind...

The picture of an Angel and a little girl. Can you feel the warmth? (= This Angel is so much like my 2 mothers... Always protecting me... sheltering me with love...

While this picture of the 2 girls... Well, I believe that they are sisters la. Laughs* And yeah, its so much like my sisters and I. (Though there's only one sister in the picture..haha)

Alrighty! That's all for now!

BUT WAIT!

Before I go...

I wanna say...

I love my Mummy, Daddy, GanMummy&GanDaddy,my siSTAR, my 4 god sisters as well as my 3 brothers(Des,Kie,Jp)... Thanks you all for making a difference in my life. <3

Good Night!

HURT 9/10

2010-08-30T01:31:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

From the start I kept telling myself that I don't have depression, I'm just merely facing with some obstacles and it will soon be over as long as I persevere. But..., people tells me I have depression. People forgives me just because "I am sick". In others' eyes, to be a friend of a depression patient is a difficult and challenging task. Is it so? I'm sorry but I'm thinking a lot right now...

To befriend with me, is it really a stressful thing to do? Am I causing a great hassle? Have you guys and girls been tolerating with my tantrums and temper all the while?

I really don't know how/what I am like.. Since all of you said I have depression, then.. I really can't see what I've brought upon to you guys. If being my friend brings so much problems then, it's okay to be honest to me. I will accept that even though my heart is pretty much wounded.. I'm not in a harsh tone by the way.. I.. I just.. feel very bitter now...

I don't know what is Depression in whatever scientific terms. But I know that I'm feeling terribly miserable every now and then. I don't know when this feeling will come neither do I know when will it go. It just happened in a snap, it can also be gone in just seconds. It's just uncontrollable. I don't see myself having Depression... I just feel I'm facing a big obstacle now... I don't have Depression. I don't even need whatever stupid medicine. It's just that rubbish thoughts running in my head that I can't control.. That's all.

I'm gonna see Dr Sung real soon.. Gotta wake up at 7:15a.m! That's like SUPER early for me! Oh dear. I really hope Dr Sung will be able to help me sort out those thoughts...Those recent incident has caused me much blows.., I can hardly control all these emotions anymore... This matter has been here for about a month already yet no matter how hard I try, it still haunts me every day and night... I'm gonna break down if this continues...

Now that I'm in this state, I'm sure she's happily smiling at the other side. She left me, hurt me, do things to spite me. Yeah, she succeed. I am indeed feeling so pain inside, I feel like crying but there's no more tears left. Neither do I wanna waste my tears on someone who dumps me just anyhow...

Someone who doesn't treat me like a human being, I don't think I should think of such person anymore. But why? Why does my stupid heart still think of her as my Jie? Everytime when I talked to Das about her, unknowingly I'll address her as my "Jie"... What the hell is wrong with me? She's NOT my Jie! She's not even fit to be my Jie. I may be just a small tiny Alycia but I do have my pride.

I am a human being, not a toy. If you don't want me anymore, it's okay. But you don't have to use my friends to spite me... You don't have to keep pouring salts to my opened wounds... Just leave me... Why must you be so cruel to keep stepping on to my wounds?

Leaving me is "Good for everyone"... Yeah... But I guess she made a mistake.. It should be, Leaving me is "good for Her".. not Everyone... If it's really good for everyone, I wouldn't be stuck over here.... My tears are falling but I don't allow it to. Because, she is NOT worth my tears.

Again and again I tried to believe in her. But, after I got insulted by an unknown person today saying I "use my body to sell cd"... I made up my mind to hate her for life. Any idea how I felt when I got these insults??? My fist were clenched so tightly that I got the urge to bang my laptop's screen! AGAIN because of her I got insulted... Who would be so stupid like me? I guess I'm the silliest and stupidest person in this world. She left me, say things to hurt me, spite me and yet I still continue giving my best to help her. In the end, for no reason I got such absurd insults from this anonymous person. "Nice." Is she happy now???!!!

I think I should stop now before I start smashing things...

Good Night.

My FIRST time to a concert! Beautiful! 10/10

2010-08-28T16:10:00.001+08:00

(27th August 2010)

Dear Diary,

COME CLOSER WITH KEWEI was awesome!

Firstly, I would like to thank my bro, Jerry for accompanying me to this concert. Thanks a million! ;)
We had dinner at Marina Sq. then headed to Esplanade. Reached the Recital Studio at about 8.30pm? That's like.. an hour earlier! As the concert starts at 9.30p.m.. Giggles* We were like the FIRST to be there.. Soon, the booth was set up for the albums and immediately I was their Top 5 customers? Laughs!*

I feel so honoured to get those piping hot albums~ I'm very proud to have known Kewei.. Very happy for her to be able to come this far.. (= And I believe, with her modest character despite having such achievements, she'll make her dreams EVEN BIGGER one day... REAL SOON I believe! =) All the way, Kewei~!

Oh yeah, the ambience in the studio was awefully awesome!!! The lightings were beautiful.. Everything was just simply... perfectttttt. Then here comes Kewei's friends, band, sister and finally Kewei walked out with an elegant outfit; like an angel~ Her voice is stunningly melodious... LIVE yet still as beautiful as everr. The most vivid one is the song "If you're not the one"... That's one of my favourite songs & I didn't expect her to sing this song on this very day... so coincidental... Brings back lots of memories of my 15th birthday... The year when I'm titled as "Angel" but also the year that I lost the Angels I failed to cherish... Missing my M&M's godparents deeply...

At the concert, Kewei also mentioned about some things about friends around her who're depressed and..stuffs like that..(Her descriptions made me reflect on myself..)

So eya... she sang this song called, "可不可以 (This Too Shall Pass)"... My emotions were totally controlled by her songs. I think she did a really great job in this concert.. Haha. Because she managed to make me go HIGH HIGH HIGH!!! Then.. Lowww... lowwww... lowwwww... She managed to grasp this live atmosphere very well.. That's my personal feelings.. Not sure about the other audiences.. But overall, I really enjoyed and love this concert a lot.. (=

The topmost reason that totally made my day was,
To be able to have Kewei's autograph again!
To be able to take a photograph with her again!
AND,
For the 2nd time, she calls me by my name! She never fail to remember me everytime when I meet up with her... Seemed like I really resembles her friend a lot huh! Laughs*

Thanks again to Jp Kor for your companion..
And also, Thanks to Kewei's concert that made my day a fulfilling one, making me smile, relax...and..yeah, forget all those really bad incidents that happened lately...

Really grateful that this concert came at "this moment"...

For pictures of this day, click http://www.facebook.com/MissAlycia#!/album.php?aid=183421&id=630042923&page=3

Truth hurts. 9/10

2010-08-27T01:25:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

Firstly, the day before yesterday which is a Wednesday...
I had a beautiful moments with Sis at Starbucks Coffee... We had a drink there,chit-chatted... Reminiscing about the scene where we blabbered non-stop makes me smile to myself.. Really enjoyed such a moment with her...

After having alone time with Sis, Gk, Desmond & Kieroy joined us for dinner. It has been quite long since I joined them so I'd rather a great time. My Da Ge(Desmond) had a chat with me as well... Its really nice talking to him. It's like.. truly a big brother listening to his younger sister, giving advices and sharing experiences... Laughs* Thanks bro! I love you! Giggles*

Overall, Alycia had a really really nice day with her sisters and brothers... Thanks my wonderful siblings! Love all of you! (=

Soon... happy moments are gone... I did thought of giving Friend D a chance. But after talking to Sis, I feel, it's time to let go. Whether or not he dotes on me, I shouldn't let this affect me anymore. So the only way is, "To let go". He reminds me of her, it tortures me. He dotes on me a lot but that's not the point anymore. Humans are selfish. Since letting him stay by my side will only bring those hurtful memories of the past, I have to selfishly let go of this "friendship".

The 3 years of living in "traumas", I've no choice but to learn to be selfish in order to protect myself from getting more hurts. I'm scared of getting hurt, I'm scared of feeling the emotional pains... I'm sorry, Friend D. I've made up my mind to let go and I'll never turn back anymore. Thanks for the blog you did for me, thanks for everything you did specially for me. But, it's time to let me go... like how she did... I promise to never contact you anymore and I will mark my words.

Everything that happened made my heart sink deeper..and deeper... The way she treats me, the way she badmouths me... I'm hurt deeply... But then I think again, so what if I'm crying over here...? I emailed her just... For the first time, I'm begging her to tell me what "truth" is she talking about... What have I done wrong to deserve those words she said... I hope she'll reply me... Since she has the courage to say, I believe she'll have the courage to reply to my mail and clarify things with me... I will wait...

Alycia is that silly, that stupid... If my mum knows that I'm still thinking about her, I'm sure she'll start nagging at me... how stupid I am...

Ahhhhh~ ALRIGHT! Don't wanna think about this anymore... I AM GONNA ENJOY ~~TOMORROW~~! Kewei's concert!!!! SMILE ALYCIA!!! SMILE!!!!!!

Happy to learn new stuffs 8/10 (=

2010-08-24T01:02:00.058+08:00

Dear Diary,

I've learnt something new ~~today~~! Yay! Thanks to Jiahe(my new friend from GanMummy's hse) I got to know more about photography! He says my camera is good! So, phew! But I've lots of things to learn and explore about this Ricoh GXR.. As it's a new technology which is quite different from other dslr camera, it's harder for me to get a hang of it so... I'll hope to learn more from him next time! Giggles*

And of course also thanks to JP KOR for guitar-ing with me as well.. ;P

Whoops! A pretty meaningful day ~~today~~ as I learnt new stuff. Then ~~tomorrow~~ will be a day at GanMummy's house and Wednesday will probably be going out with Sisso.. Miss her soo much! (= Thursday will be a day rest for me andddddd..... FRIDAY will be..."my all-time-looking-forward" Kewei's concert @ Esplanade! Yay! ;)

Coughs* I'm still coughing quite badly. Cough till my stomach muscles hurt... Cough too badly until I feel my body aching... Awww* Getting older already. Laughs* Coughs again* Think I should stop talking and laughing too much. As the wind blows in to my throat makes me feel the "tickles".. When I feel the "tickles" in my throat, I start to cough. -.-|||

Hmm...
I came across this chinese quote in a buddhism book that Jiahe gave me today.. It says, "要原谅一个无心伤害人的人。不能做一个轻易就被别人伤害人的人。" It's true. Forgive those who unintentionally hurt you but never be someone who'll get hurt by others so easily... Smiles*

Anyway,
I'm really tryin' very hard to stand up once again. I can't wait to get recovered... Really can't wait to... Life is really such an annoying little thing...~ When you're doing fine, it knocks you down to let you have an experience of bitterness. But when you've already given in your best, it still never lets you off. Instead, every time when you're about to stand up, it deliberately push you down again and again... How annoying and frustrating! )=

Tell you what, I'd better be fully recovered by this Friday! Argh! Otherwise how am I supposed to attend Kewei's concert with a smile on my face?! Since I'll be like coughing and coughing my lungs out.. How to attend concert like that??? People sure shoo me away if I keep coughing non-stop... )= I BETTER RECOVER FAST!!! Oh my tian. Please pray to Goddess... Cmon help me pray as well... Tolong tolong... Haha!

Alright, shall end here. I can't wait to see my Sisso on Wednesday! Wheee~~~ Mixiu! Mixiu!

Sleep tight! Dream of me tonight~ Giggles*

Wan An! =)

Coughing my lungs out!

2010-08-23T02:45:00.000+08:00

到了夜晚，我又开始胡思乱想。在月亮星星的照亮下，我还是觉得那么的孤独。但没关系，身边还有一个很大的海豚陪着我。我是应该知足了，对吧？（=

我病了好几天了。。。觉得好不耐烦！心事多了很多，压力也增加不少。现在还在咳嗽，咳得满糟糕的。)= 我到底怎么了？为什么身体就是那么弱？我咳得快要吐血了啦！还不快停？！

我好想那傻瓜小妹！米修！米修！笨蛋妹妹，你在哪里？=P

刚吃了药，现在想睡觉。。。睡醒了又是新的一天。。。但，对我来说会是新的开始吗？

晚安！

(Pardon me for the chinese words. Sometimes, I just feel that chinese can express better. Sounds nicer also. Haha.)

Express/Depress?

2010-08-22T18:14:00.000+08:00

It's my second post of the day... I just feel like talking... "Beautiful-yesterdays" is the name that I've given to my blog about 2 years I guess..? It supposed to little space for me to keep all memories of the beautiful past I had. But, I realized, this name is not at all suitable anymore... My memories are left with those ugly ones... No longer the "beautiful-yesterdays" that I thought it would be...

Just a few days back, I got to know a new friend on Facebook. I shall name him Friend Z. Just like me, he did not complete his O levels. At the beginning he was afraid I might despise him but after I assured him that I won't, he decided to tell me the story behind. Somehow or rather, I sensed that this guy isn't all that "tough" although he seemed like one.. I've never met him before but from his replies on msn makes me have a rough impression of what kind of guy he is..

I shared with him lots of stuffs last night, I hope he'll listen and start planning for his life ahead. That's only how much I can do. Maybe he might find me weird for typing so much.., but, I really don't wish to see anyone's life ruined just because of some unworthy reasons. Besides, I can feel how he felt to be despised by people who know that we don't even have an O level cert.. I can feel the "anger" in him but I told him it's pointless being rash and act stupid because of people who don't understand us...

For those who're in Express, Normal Acad/Normal Tech, seriously, it doesn't matters... When I was young like in primary school, I thought it's very important to get into Express stream and if I don't it means I'm very lousy and stupid. But as I grow up till now, I feel, it doesn't really matters. I'm not saying that getting into a higher stream is not important but, I just feel that, there're more important things besides aiming to be the top. I used to think how lucky I was to get into the Express stream but.. so what? When Life decides to knock you down, whether you're in Express or even Special, you can't do anything to avoid.

I'm an Express student. But now, my Normal Acad/Tech friends have already complete their N levels and started pursuing their courses.. Be it, poly/ite... I'm still very far behind them. Every streams are equal. What's different is, the "Student"... I'm an Express student who expresses in studies but depressed in person. While my Normal Acad/Tech friends.. Though they are slower in terms of studies but they're happy in heart.. So which is better? I would choose the 2nd.. Because, I believe, "To live in joy is the greatest happiness in Life." It's pointless to aim to be the top graduate when you can't even bring your certificate into your grave. Whereas, if you've live Life to the fullest and enjoyed every single moments of happiness, you will smile even in your deathbed...

I just really hope I'll lead every day with a smile... For now, I need some re-charge... Give me a moment. After talking to my GanMummy, I'll be back with some positive thoughts... (=

See ya.

Hurts 9/10

2010-08-22T00:19:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

I'm feeling extremely unwell now. But I don't wanna sleep... )': Fever comes and goes, coughing badly, ulcer still hurts and "my nose is still running"... Argh! My head hurts very badly! At every one cough, I feel prickinn' pain inside my head. )': It has been days already...

One part of my heart is mentally sick.. Hasn't cured yet.. And now, the other half of my heart is also very sick... Dealing with the physical pains which I see it as a "punishment" for myself for being so useless... Both halves of my heart are sick now. When I was lying on my bed, coughing and cuddling myself in blankets... I almost cried. I don't know why. I just felt very miserable...

I no longer see anything infront of me... I don't even know where I am anymore... I brought this upon myself... If I'm strong enough to persevere till my O levels, I wouldn't have been in this state.. I'm a very fortunate child yet I failed to share these blessings I have.. Instead, these blessings when comes to me actually turns out to be a disaster... A disaster that I caused myself to be trapped in and...a disaster that I unknowingly brought others down to suffer with me... I'm a jinx... )':

I'm once called an "Angel". I don't deny that it's really nice to be titled as one.. I really felt happy... But after all that happened, I feel that this title is slowly sinking deeper and deeper... Angel supposed to help others but I don't. Angel supposed to be there for people when they need you but I don't. Angel supposed to instill more positive strengths to the people who lacks of it.. And again, I don't.. I failed badly. If I'm an Angel, I think, I'll be the worst Angel ever in this world...

Alycia...You-are-so-useless. Tell me, what have you done to yourself and the ones you love? You've done nothing but causing a huge burden to them. When will you ever get out of the darkness...? When...?

My pains.. can only be kept secret... )':

Good Night.

Miserable 9/10

2010-08-21T01:22:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

After fever subsides, having cough now... Can somebody tell me what should I do? He is a nice person, very harmless, very sweet... Honestly, I really appreciate it. And, I guess I'm a very bad person, very harmful, very bitter? Right? Ha.

I'll only bring miseries and bitterness to the people around me. I'm "hard to handle". People who wants to near me have to think twice because they'll have to need "lots of patience" to "handle" me. You know, I'm "not that simple as what you might think", I'm "not that kind either".. For the 3 years I've been thru, is my retribution for being such a devil.

And for that 3 years I've been thru leads me to the person I am now, "A hypocrite" who "seeks for attention". "A hypocrite" who uses others as a "tool" to get the things I want... Every negative things that I wrote here are just rubbish because in actual fact I'm leading a "cheerful life". You've gotta think extremely careful before you say "you wanna befriend with me" or "you wanna help me". Because, you might get really tired for "wasting all the time and efforts on me". I'm not so simple. I've lots of "hidden motives". Wanna near me? Think thrice!

I can't stop how people wanna think about me. But it hurts so much when I witnessed these words... Even if it's just-a-stranger who comments me like that, I'll get really hurt. Who doesn't? We're all humans. Why must people doubt me when all I did was to "do my best"... It's okay. I no longer wanna clarify anything. Since that's what you think of me then... I'm sorry.

I said I'm gonna forget the both of them. But, his friend came to talk to me. I was on the verge to cry... I'm very stressed up. Very sad... Some things that I don't have to say out but it doesn't mean I'm that heartless... After he came to my life, I realized that, "There's actually someone like me..."

Why?
Because, I'm more or less very much like him, very "zhi zhuo" towards things/someone I loved. I'm the only child thus I cherish my best friend just like my own blood sister. And I really treasure such "bondings" between the both of us...

Then one day, "W" came and dotes me wholeheartedly which made me wanna help her and soon treats her like my own elder sis. I feel the "bond" between us. That's affinity.(Though she has left) I do cherish and knows how it feels... He is just like a reflection of myself... He makes me stress because of "the way he loves me".

And from him I see myself making the same mistake before..
(The time where Cammie Sisso and I were having a cold war.)
She feels stressed because I've "overdid" it. Just because I really dotes and cherish the little sister of mine, I hold on too tightly that she can hardly breathe..

When people come telling me where I went wrong, still, I don't see where are my mistakes. Because I feel, it's NOT wrong to dote on her. I feel I'm not wrong! Afterall my intentions are good, I want her to be happy, I want to cherish her. Why is it wrong like that?
Yes, that's stubborn!

Until time and again, when we nearly ended our friendship... Then one day, I finally realized, I've really "dote the wrong way"...

Loving someone isn't like that. Be it towards relationships/kinship/friendship, there's always a "boundary". I often feel I'm lousy, thus, for everything that I do(especially for my loved ones), I'll tend to go beyond the boundary. Just because of the "lack of Faith and Confidence", I unknowingly caused so much invisible stress to myself and to my loved ones...

Sometimes, being "too close" won't do you any good. Instead, when you start to see things from afar, you'll actually be able to witness a "bigger picture" and perhaps even notice things/people that you never knew they've ever existed... Now that I've already learnt to "loosen my grip", I feel very blessed to have CAMMIE sisso by my side..(= And I started to see how sweet a sister she is despite missing our "Sister's day out" for so long! <3

Both Cammie & I are the same age and we're best friends since Primary 5... Yet, she feels the "pressure" I gave just because I dote on her too much like my own blood sister.(No one is at fault. It's just that different people feels differently) And what's more a 32 year old man treating the same way to an 18 year old girl...? He may not have any ill intentions but.. it gives me lots of pressure.

It's not because of whatever misunderstandings... neither do I hate him. I'm just chasing him away purely because of the pressure he instilled in me and the memories of "her" that he brought to me... It's no one's fault. I really hope he'll understand. I don't hate him. I truly appreciate the things that he did for me... I've never treat him as a tool between me and her.. I swore that before so whether he believes it or not, I can't help either...

I'm so tired. I tried my best to hate her but I still can't. I don't understand why must she doubts me so much... At several times I've the urge to look up for her and ask her personally about all the misunderstandings, but... I don't have the courage to see her again... This scar is carved way too deep in my heart... )':

Sorry that I've talked about these 2 people again... But you don't have to smack me. Because. I'm already suffering, in pain now...

Good Night.

Goodbye.

2010-08-19T13:53:00.002+08:00

Dear Diary,

What a weather! (I'm referrin' to my own "emotional" weather.) It has been so insane just like the weather. With such an unpredictable weather, no matter how strong one is will never be able to withstand such constant change of temperature. This moment hot , next moment cold.. It goes on and on till people gets sick.. And obviously I'm one of them...

My emotional weather is terribly maniac. These days I only managed to sleep at about 5-6a.m in the morning.. And I guess that's one of the main reason why I fall sick so easily. Fever, headache, sore throat, flu, gastric, ulcer.. All comes to me at one go. I don't know why recently I kept falling ill. I'm already so mentally drained yet now I still gotta face with all these physical pains.. I just took medicine so I still have the energy to blog.. Otherwise, I would've been cuddling myself under thick blankets and jacket. Haha. Feels like I'm in Genting, so cold..........

Seriously, I've got no idea why I find it so hard to let go. I've so many other good friends yet losing one can be such a torture to me. I feel, I really don't understand myself. Maybe after what I've gone thru 3 years somehow or rather affects me 'this much' and results me into such a state where I can't think rational, can't analyse things properly. I think all along I've really been taking my loved ones for granted. Their love towards me, their tolerance and sacrifices for me, I took it as "li suo dang ran"(like what my mum says). While strangers who shows just the littlest care for me, I see them as someone so great and would do anything for them just because I feel in this world such people don't exist anymore. How silly.

Who cares about whether such people exist?! Why should I even care?? I've already have my mum, dad, god mum & dad, god sisters, sisso, kieroy & gang, jp kor as well.. etc.. So many wonderful people who truly cares for me. They've been by my side all along yet I actually don't realize that. I-must-be-blind. I had a chat with Sisso last night. And, honestly, it's the first time I felt so guilty towards her. She's my very doted sister for 7 long years yet I neglected her just because I lost a friend whom I've known for only 2 months.. I'm really sorry sis... But please always know that, you've never left my heart... Like what you say, you'll only be kept deeper in my heart. No matter how many people I've to accomodate inside this little heart of mine, no matter how squeezy it gets inside, I'll always put you in my "VIP room", never will I let you out of it... (=

If I'm in the wrong, I will admit. But if I'm not, don't expect me to apologise. I really felt sorry towards Sisso, Kieroy, Desmond and the others.. They've been asking me out yet I turned them down again and again.. I'm sorry... )': I'll try my best to make up for all of them, I promise.

I hate myself for giving away my love and trust so easily. In the end, who gets the most hurts? Its none other than myself. Being too soft-hearted won't do me any good either.. Perhaps I should really learn to be harder now. Shouldn't be too soft since this world is filled with masked people... Who knows one day I might just get "eaten up" without even knowing the reason why...What Mum says is right.. What for keep pitying others when no one will actually give a damn about you?! It's this-realitic in this world. People sacrifice one another for the sake of their own health, wealth and happiness. I should have already woke up by now but I've no idea why I'm still tryin' to escape from reality...

Last night after talking to Sisso, I went to bed... But my mind is still very active... kept thinking about W and D... I feel everything happens way too fast. It's just like yesterday when I felt so happy to have these 2 people in my life. I believe they're the Angels sent to help me and I'm all ready for the challenge because I know they'll guide me thru. My "instinct" tells me to have faith and believe in what I believed; to put my trust in them that they'll be able to help me. I tried my best, gave my all, made speedy recovery but soon... just a SNAPP!! And everything's vanished! And the next moment, I was crying alone in my room. It-all-happened-too-fast.

I was on my bed, starring at the the ceiling, tossing and turning, but still can't figure out why and how things can happen so fast. I started to reminisce from the day...

I stepped in to Sonic Studio, the day I emailed her and got her replies, the day she initiated to talk to me on Facebook, the day she started getting close to me, the day we sang at teoheng, the day I made my way to City Sq Mall to support her, the day I dug up all my courage to be up on stage to give her my support, the day she watched over me on my very first vocal lesson, the day we had dim sum and she had a heart-to-heart talk to me, the day she brought me to Cineleisure to support her friends, the day she scolded me at Chinatown and made me wake up...

The day her friend, D added me on msn, the day he talked to me and made me cry, the day he gave me hope again and befriend with me, the day he addressed me as his sister, the day he started becoming so paranoid and overly cautious towards me, the day he adds on so much stress to me, the day he brought me to Homeclub, the day we went to Plaza Singapura to give her support, the day we quarreled and I asked him to fuck off and felt guilty over the night, the day I cried when he seemed to kept creating misunderstandings and conflicts between me and her, the day I know his concern towards me exceed a brother concerning sister, the day he made me feel I'm on the verge to going crazy because of his "love towards me", the day he allows me to feel lost when I don't know whether to chase him away because of his "love towards me" or to continue keeping him with me because of his "love towards me"... I'm stuck in between these situations because I know he don't have any ill intentions and he is just being concerned about me...

Ever since she came then he came... Lots of things happened that made me feel so tired. After she left, I'm left alone, feeling miserable... I can't let go. Till last night, I got up from bed, switched on my laptop again and decided to remove them away from my Facebook, Msn and anything that relates them. I told myself, no point getting sick because of people who doesn't cares about you.. When you're feeling miserable, what are they doing on the other side? Still smiling and laughing isn't it? Then why are you still so silly to torture yourself for people who don't even care?

Eventually, I've the courage to delete her off. Since I deleted her off, no point keeping him either. He brings me too much stress, creates too much conflicts... They came to my life, brings me much happiness... She made a huge difference in my life which I thought its a "good" start for me... But in the end, she proves me wrong. She proves me that nothing in this world comes free... Not even "Love". She gave me the sisters' love once but it isn't free... Now, its pay-back time for accepting her love in the very first place. Hahaha! Alycia is really so stupid eh?! She still naively thought that this love is unconditional... So stupid.

Well! They are off and out of my life! Please smack me if I ever talk about this again. I need to recuperate and get back on to the right track... Gonna see Dr Sung on the 30th August at SGH... I'll try talk to her about whatever that happens, I wanna recover soon... I don't wanna be tortured like this anymore... It's painful... I can't withstand such pains anymore... I need to get back up... I really need to...

"HAPPPPY" 10/10

2010-08-17T03:01:00.001+08:00

Dear Diary,

My ulcer hurts a lot... )= I can't eat well, can't talk well... Pain till it affects my teeth... And causes me a bad headache... Now, my nose is flowing like tap water and I kept sneezing. Ahhhh~! I feel terrible!

Just now, I went to meet mummy and my ah yi(s) at Hougang. We went Hougang Green to watch Ge Tai... Heheh. I know that youngsters won't know how to appreciate these kinda performances... I used to dislike it also. But, I don't know why when I get to know about "Ming Zhu Jie Mei" then I began to enjoy watching.. Haha. But I find it a good bonding time with my mum and ah yi(s) as well.. This year is the last year Ming Zhu Jie Mei is gonna perform so I went there to watch for the last time.. (= Kinda disappointing tho.. As they sang only like 3 songs and quickly rushed off to another place.. After their performance, Dad drove us back..

Hmm...

You know.., things just deliberately makes me feel so miserable... It happens way too fast... I'm still trying to pick all the broken pieces up one by one... Before she left, my alarm was her song; to motivate me to wake up early. A few days back, in the morning, I heard her singing for me then I woke up.. Only to realise that it's just-my-alarm ringing... My heart sank because "I've woke up" and I know that I'm back to reality... I did not wake up to my ah yi's centre, instead, I went back to sleep again.. I really felt so tired... So my mum left without me.. I woke up in the afternoon, switched on my laptop and played some songs.. Randomly clicked one song and started doing my own stuffs.. Just as I managed to relax that little brain of mine, my itunes started playing her song... I wanted to stop and play other songs but I wanna face it so I let it continue... But, I don't know why, the next few songs continuously are her songs as well... I totally feel like breaking down... Is this God's test for me as well??? And all I can do is Nothing but to "face the music"... with my heart sinking...

Just now, while waiting for the bus to Hougang, my mp3 started playing a very familiar song.. "Hold On" by Jet.. A song that Sis sent me quite long ago... She told me that she feels like this song describes me... Ha. Silly her.. So when this song is played again just now, I began to have lots of "感触".. Ha. Sis came to my mind and I started to reflect a lot on the lyrics of this song..

You tried so hard to be someone

That you forgot who you are
You tried to fill some emptiness
Till all you had spilled over
Now everything’s so far away
That you don’t know where you are, you are

[Chorus:]
When all that you wanted
And all that you had
Don’t seem so much
For you to hold on to [2x]
For you to belong to

When it’s hard to be yourself
It’s not to be someone else
Still everything’s so far away
That you forget where you are, you are

[Chorus:]
When all that you wanted
And all that you had
Don’t seem so much
For you to hold on to [2x]

Hold on [8x]

[Chorus:]
When all that you wanted
And all that you had
Don’t seem so much
For you to hold on to [3x]
For you to belong to

Who is Alycia? If I know who I really am, my answer will definitely be "Yes, it's me!" Right..? But, I really can't seemed to answer if someone were to ask me this... Because, I often ask myself, "Who is Alycia?" And, every single time, I'll pause and start to go into really deep thoughts... Seemed like I've no answer to this question.. Instead, I've a question to ask,
"Who-Is-Alycia?"

Alright... Just forget about it... Alycia is Alycia. Who cares about who is Alycia.... Duh. I don't know what I'm talking about... It will be better if Alycia never existed.

Good Night.

9/10

2010-08-16T02:25:00.001+08:00

Dear Diary,

My ulcer still hurts badly... )= Yesterday was GanMummy's advanced birthday celebration.. Her actual birthday is on the 18th August.. I feel happy seeing her smiles and listening to her laughters. I gave her a toggle bracelet with pearls. The pearls represent how precious she is to me. Yeah, I always give presents with a hidden meaning..(=

I'm really happy to get this gift for her. You know why? Because, I'm using my own earned money! Remember that I've sold like a total of 30 albums? Haha. That will be like $30 earned! And so, I used up all the money to get her a gift.. Mummy helped me give a little as I was shortage of a few ten bucks. Haha. But I'm still very happy to be able to buy things for my loved ones using my very own earned money... (= GanMummy, I hope you like it! Pearls are valuable just like you! (=

In just a blink of eye, I've known GanMummy for 4 years... And she has seen what I've gone thru throughout these years... The "Before" and "After" of Alycia's depression. After 4 years, she concluded that I've grown up a lot more mature. She once told me that she foresee a bright future ahead of me but she too always tells me that my "自卑心很强".. )= She's like a 2nd mother to me.. I feel the motherly love in her.. I feel the sense of secure in her..

She's a very nice lady with a very compassionate heart.. Her love towards everyone is unconditional.. Her act of selflessness touches me deeply... She's just simply an Angel... I remember she once told me that one of her greatest wish is to have a big house enough to accomodate people with problems and who needs her help.. I hope to be able to fulfill this dream with her but I'm very incapable to do that.. Her dreams are my dreams. She often used "Heart to Heart" to describe the both of us. And, I really feel we ARE heart to heart...Smiles* I hope the day that I recovered will not be too late to help me pursue these unfulfilled dreams...

You know what..? I really find myself getting stronger.

I feel very pain in my heart but I was laughing away just now like as if the pain is not there at all.. When actually... its so painful...

My chest feels very uncomfortable like as if there're lots of things stuffed up inside.. It feels like.. I'm suffocating... But, I can still actually stand upright and continue snapping pictures, video-ing all the smiles and laughters of the ones around me! (=

When it comes to Night.. I totally hate it. Because, I don't know why... the impact seemed to be so much greater.. the pains are like 10 times even painful than in the day.. I've got no idea why is the impact so huge at night.. Maybe it has something gotta do with gravity? Laughs!*** I feel very pain and lost but..hey, I did nt cry! I swear I did not!!!! Usually I will be crying so badly like a super crybaby. But recently, after all that happened, I did not cry. Even at night, alone in my own room, no one's around.. I-did-not-cry. Not even a single tear... ... See, I've changed! I'm not a crybaby anymore. I'm not a weak, I'm strong! Right??? (=

I feel so proud of myself for being strong... I'm getting stronger everyday... My heart... its not dead yet.. Because, it still feels the pain... At least, I know I'm not dead yet. I'm still with my loved ones... I'm not dead yet... I'm still alive... I feel the pain... I'm alive... I'm alive.. I can't fall anymore... I gotta quickly stand up again... I'm still alive...because I feel the pain... Yes, I'm still alive......

Alycia...

放下过去。

2010-08-13T18:13:00.002+08:00

闹钟响了你的音乐
“幸福的距离该说给谁听”
起床的歌也和你有联系

开着电脑听着音乐
播出来的又是那熟悉的声音
“这一切只能交给你来决定”

心里闷闷的，这感觉好深刻。。。就像三年前，被迫跌到谷底的那种心情。怎么把它忘，都永远忘不了。。。心里的伤痕，就像手臂上的疤痕，怎么擦都擦不掉。当希望变成彻底的失望，无论我怎样尽力地带着微笑前进，还是无法逃避自己心里的那种空虚。

我是勇敢的。因为我并没有停下脚步。我很努力也很勇敢的带着伤痕一直往前走。。。我可以！我一定行！只有这样的鼓励自己才能有勇气一直走下去。。。有时候我好想有人会告诉我这全都是一场。。。会醒来的噩梦。。。但是，我不会在逃避了。过去的就让它过去吧，‘执着’是不会有好结果的。反而它只会令自己更痛苦。。。

现在我只想脱离一下外面的世界。我好想把心里的结全都打开，从新找回另一个“原点”。。。从新开始。

Tired 9/10

2010-08-13T03:23:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

Life still goes on... No matter how miserable you feel, Life still and always goes on... I'll keep this in mind so that I'll continue smiling. Life is just like a puzzle. Sometimes by just one pick and it fits while at times you gotta pick one by one till you found the right piece that fits in. A table filled with incomplete pieces of puzzle. With Peace in mind, you'll see them as a beautiful artpiece that will soon be completed. But with an unstabled mind, you'll simply see a terribly messed up table with bits and pieces of messed up puzzle that seemed to be never completed...

Without having a peaceful heart, fixin' a puzzle makes me feel just like I'm fixin' my own broken heart. All the messed up jigsaw pieces represent the thoughts(negatives and positives), fears and obstacles I'm facing. And one by one, I'm piecing them back together... But it isn't all that easy when comes to fixin' my own heart...

I'm moving on. I'm moving on fine. I'm forcing my way thru with a smile... Never will I give up. Mummy has been really sweet to me. Every day she calls me Baobei, hugs me, kiss me... I understand that she wants me to know that she is always here with me, giving me the support. That is why I can't allow myself to be weak even though the fact is, I-am-that-weak. I am weak but my perseverance is rather strong. That makes me walk till this far otherwise I believe I've longed gone to another world.

Honestly, I still feel very miserable. I'm holding on... I don't believe I will be ruined like that. There is still hope. Even without her, even without anyone, there will still be hope around. I won't be defeated so easily... I won't... (=

2010-08-12T01:10:00.001+08:00

Dear Diary,

Pop! Pop! Pop! Pimples poppin' out one by one! Oh dear~ Insomnia is the culprit! I hate it! Anyway, everything's going fine...Nothin' can defeat me,right?(= Supposed to see Dr Cheryl later but I cancelled. I told mum I don't need to see her as I don't have anything to talk about.I've already learnt to take it easy and let go.So yeah, I'm gonna head down to my ah yi's centre together with mum then there'll be home-cooked food for dinner! Yay!

Oh yeah, I've finished watching 25episodes of my HK drama. Now I got nothing to do BUT thanks to Das kor that I have something to target for. He bought for me a 2000pieces of Jigsaw Puzzle! But hey,I can do it! I'll try to complete it asap! Just wait and see! Giggles*

Alrighty! Gonna sleep now...Gotta wake up at 8.30am tomorow..Yawns*

Wan an!

Happy (= 8.5/10

2010-08-10T01:08:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

My legs and arms are aching! I had a fulfilling day with my family members "today"! This trip to Pulau Ubin was mmmmmmm..... Splendid! The Sun was JUST NICE and everything was just... Perfectttt. For me at least. (= I love the "Kampong" feeling as it makes me the very "free and easy". And, at a moment, I actually thought that it would be so nice if I could just stay there and not return back to the bustling and stressful city. Laughs*

We spotted lizards and mud skippers but the most fun part of the day is, to see my Dad cycling my Mum around Ubin! Giggles!* Both of them were bickering non-stop! Dad sees the steeep slope he says, "Oh no". Mum sees Dad unable to cycle up the slope, she complains that Dad is old and weak... Then... Dad argues back that he is not old, its just that Mummy gains weight! Haha! And throughout the journey, both of them were bickering that made me laugh like hell. And then, after bickering, poor me... got shot back by both of them.. Ouch! They said I'm cycling without passengers yet I still don't have the strength to cycle uphill. OUCHHH!!! So pain! Hahahahhaa!

After cycling, I was so hungry and thirsty that I simply SWALLOWED the food and drinks like as if I've not eaten for 1 week. Laughs!!!*** Here you go, the results for NOT exercising... Heheh. Now, I'm aching all over... BUT its worth the PAIN! Because I enjoyed this trip a lot! (=

Alright, I think I stop here. I wanna get back to my HK drama... Heheh! I downloaded full 25 episodes already.. Hehehe! TATAA!

Love you cousins...

2010-08-08T02:21:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

It's Sunday already.. That's like.. so fast! Yesterday my parents and I went to my dearest Ah Ma's house. I went there to coach Chevelle with her school work as well as to visit my grandparents. Seeing Ah Gong and Ah Ma getting weaker makes me really sad... And my heart aches more for my Gugu... She gotta work, look after Ah Gong and Ah Ma as well as her 2 kids... How I wish I can share her burdens... But it seemed like, all I can do is, to try my best to be there for her 2 kids whenever they need me to. Alycia jiejie cannot fall down. My cousins.. they will only confide with me. ButI know I failed to reach out for them because Alycia jiejie herself is facing some problems. Sometimes, I feel like I've "no face" to see them. If not for "depression", I would've been able to be there for them when they need me...

I've a total of 12 cousins(Paternal).. Bernita, Bryce, Bernadine. Agatha, Clara, Trisha. Ryan, Axel. Ethan, Chevelle. Aldrich, Arin. Bernita is the eldest one followed by Agatha then.. me... All of us used to be very united.. In the past, we often unite together to celebrate Lantern Festival, Christmas, Birthdays..But now, even a simple Reunion dinner.. We are not at all united....

I really miss those times where all of us skipped down the stairs for the lift.... Bernita, Agatha will be the one leading and we'll always sing song down the stairs till we reached the playground.. And we wil ALWAYS get all stink and sweaty.. When we got back to Ah Ma's house, she'll always take a pail of water for us to soak our leggies inside before walking in to the house with our dirty feet... Haha. Those childhood times... I will never forget... (=

I love my cousins, love them all... But now, my greatest concern is Trisha.. Followed by Ethan, Chevelle and Ryan(n yes, my ex got the same name as my cousin -.-)..
Trisha, I've never met her for years already..But I know a little about her from her sisters blog and facebook.. I really miss her...
Ethan and Chevelle, my Gugu's kids...
Ethan is primary 6 this year... I'm really worried for his PSLE... Really worried he will follow the wrong friends in secondary school...
Chevelle is primary 3 this year... She's a very keen learner but because of the lack of guidance(my Gugu is always busy working hard to feed 2 elderlys and 2 kids), she gets lazy and without the mostt basic foundation, its very hard for me to teach...
Ryan, same age as Trisha.. Secondary 2.. He is very much like me.. A low self-esteem and introvert... He is also the one who touches me deeply with his words... A very thoughtful boy.. I hope I can help him gain more confidence. But for the time being, I guess, I need to help myself first.. Hah.

I do observe them even when they are playing... Especially the ones who is going thru puberty.. Haha. I really dote on my little cousins.. All of them are very dear to me... But, there seemed to be a barrier now.. Just because I'm shutting myself away from them..They are still young.. I don't wish to influence them in any negative way... )=

Well, I believe one day I'll be that cheerful Alycia jiejie again... Wait for me... I'm old already, can't run as fast as you little imps! Haha. (=

Good Night!

Sleepyhead 8/10

2010-08-07T04:32:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

I had a htht(heart to heart talk) with my mum just now.. (= Recently ever since 'she' left me, I've been analysing a lot. Though I still felt she has a deep misunderstanding towards me but I've found out the truth myself so now I will try my best to let go. No matter how much she misunderstands me, I will still love her as a friend. I believe thats what friends are for...

Accepting one's weaknesses and helping one another... Like how she once helped me.. I know shes tired with her own obstacles and I don't wanna be a burden to her as well.

I really would wish to apologise to her for bringing her the pains and.. those invisible stress.. I'm really sorry... I didn't mean it.. But I know she won't like me to contact her anymore... Its alright. I've thought it thru.. For now, I'll just bury those memories in my heart.. Not gonna brood over it anymore...

"Health is more important than anything else... Take Care.."

Alright, my eyes are closing... Good night...
Tomorrow will be a new day...

:( 9/10

2010-08-06T03:38:00.003+08:00

Dear Diary,

Can you tell me that the girl in the mirror isn't me... I hate myself so much that I wish I never existed. I'm afraid to close my eyes. I don't dare to sleep... I'm scared of the dawn... Every day is torturing enough for me, I don't need a new day or a new start.. I no longer see anything "new". The moment I wake up and wash my face, I see the same old Alycia in the mirror... The useless one... It simply makes me dread waking up...

Get on with life Alycia! Its easier said than done.

Its not like I sit there and do nothing.. Its not like I don't bother about my own life... I tried so hard... I learn to trust myself, to open my heart so that others can help me.. I tried so hard to overcome my obstacles.. I tried so hard to follow the lead. But, eventually, when I thought I could see a Rainbow.., it started raining heavily on me again... It rained way too heavily that anyone could ever noticed me crying so hard...

There's a limit to everything. I tried so hard to get up.. But when i fall again and again, I feel soo tired. I'm just a normal human being... I don't have the infinite strength to keep trying to pick myself up when I'm falling down so frequently! I know I'm a hindrance. I know I'm a burden. I know people around me are tryin' hard to tolerate my "nonsense".. I feel deeply sorry and guilty but.. I really don't wanna be like this... I too want a cheerful life like other teens. But, I just kept failing... again and again... Can I shout, Save me..? )=

If I could choose, I would rather exchange my life for someone who deserves to live but don't have the chance...

Life is totally wasted on a person me... My life had already been totally ruined since 3yrs back... There's no turning back for me...

I know my Angel is very ill now. Although she already left me but I'll always be right here praying for her recovery... No matter what happens, she will always be in my heart... Take care, my Angel.

Good Night.

Dreams And Reality.

2010-08-05T02:12:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

"Inception"..

I just caught this movie with Jp Kor @ E!hub. Hmm... If I get to choose, to live in a Dream or Reality. I guess, I would choose to live in my own dream.

In my dream, I'll build a huge mansion to accomodate all of my loved ones.. I will be a rich lady with shortage of nothing. People who suffers in reality will never suffer in my dreamworld. I will build a home for the homeless people, I will provide jobs for jobless people. In my dreamworld, there's nothing called "Fear", nothing called, "Impossible". Because, I have the ability to make every impossible Possible. In my dreamworld, people won't experience Death. Everyone will smile and enjoy happiness all together as one... And, all my loved ones will forever be close to me... They won't age. They won't suffer from depression. They won't have any illnesses. They won't be so stressed up and busy. We will just all love one another and lead everyday with a smile.. That's my dream that I don't wish to wake up..ever..

Afterall, Life isn't a movie that everything can be plotted so perfectly... People says, Life is just like a story. But, I feel, it isn't. In a storybook, the author can write anything he/she wants. In a movie, the director can plot anything he/she likes. If they want this particular character to die, he/she has to die. But there's nothing like in Reality where our lives are in the hands of God. In Reality, I can't control the people around me. I may be the "Director" of my own "Life Story" but, I can only direct my "Self". I can't control the characters in my life. I can't direct them to do things that I preferred them to do. Unlike in the movies where directors can instruct actors/actresses to do this and that as they wished. I guess, that's one of the difference between Dreams and Reality....

In Reality, even if I were to plot my own Life Story, accidents happened. And once it happened, there's nothing like a "re-take". Unlike in movies where you get to re-take until everything is perfect to be screened.

Theres no such thing as "NGs" in Reality..

But..., come to think of it, Dreams aren't that perfect either. Because, there are Bad and Good dreams, right..? Bad dreams that we called, "Nightmares".. If one were to live in a bad dream, I bet he/she would choose to be back in Reality... Isn't it..? So, afterall, nothing is perfect. Everything is predestined... And we just gotta face it...

Well.., since I can't choose, all I can do is to just face with these cruelties of Reality...

Having depression is indeed one of the cruelties of Reality that I got to face. I often asked, "Why is it me?" The moment I stepped out of my house, I started witnessing teenagers happily enjoying their youthful life. Be it secondary school/poly/jc, they are all so cheerful. I often asked God, "Why do you have to even put me in this obstacle so much earlier than any others of my age? Why?" I used to be just like any other teens out there who aims to complete O levels, get to a JC/Poly.. Why must I fall into this darkness and face things I should not even face at this age...

Not to deny, I do PITY myself for being so pathetic. Despite having perfect hands and legs, I still seemed to be worst than a handicap! I know I don't deserve such pity towards myself. But I really do PITY myself for living life so meaninglessly. I'm blessed to say that I do have people who lift me up when I fall. People with a kind and compassionate heart who cares... But, recently, some things happened and it made me feel that they helped and befriend with me are all out of sympathy. I was very devastated when I realized that the love they showered me, the compassion they seemed to give are all merely out of Sympathy.

Once again, I wanna say, Alycia don't need such compassion. Alycia don't need sympathy. She has perfect hands and legs. She don't need to be pitied by anyone. She is stopping for the time being because, she is facing with some major obstacles in Life. She don't need people to be friends with her just because of "compassion". Besides her self, there shouldn't be anyone to PITY her... She needs a friend who's willing to lend a helping hand... A genuine one.. And that's all she asks for. A friend who loves her for being her. Not a friend who befriends with her out of compassion... There's a difference.

Its cruel enough to make me face the first cruelty(Depression). And its even more CRUEL to make me fall again and again for the past THREE years! And NOW, just when you send this Angel down to hold me up.. I listened and heeded your advices, with all my might, I forced myself up. BUT you are cruel enough to let go of my hand without even telling me that you are letting me go. When I am not even ready to stand up steadily, you let go of my hands without a word and made me have the worst fall ever...!

It was so painful that I couldn't even speak. You left me sitting on the ground, crying... And up till now, you are nowhere to be seen... That's the most cruel thing that can ever happened in Reality. Your trusted one to turn against you.... But, you still choose to believe that she is an Angel...

I'm not a perfect person. Instead, I am very imperfect... My weakness is being too persistent and stubborn. My weakness is to take commitments and promises too seriously. Otherwise, it will be much easier for me to accept that she has already became a passer-by of my life...

God, Take me... just take me with you....

2010-08-03T16:56:00.002+08:00

Dear Diary,

I'm back. Smiles* Things can really happen in split seconds... Hmm, I've been missing for quite a few days as I was kinda busy and weak to blog about anything. So yeah, on the last Sunday was my cousin's wedding. Its really nice to see my beloved cousin in her elegant gown with her loved Prince Charming walking with her down the red carpet.. May the both of them be as sweet & loving as ever! (=

And on this day, besides the bride, I think I'm the 2nd happiest lady. Haha. Because, Mummy granted my wish to let me have a "feel" of Prom Night. Though its still different as friends are not there.. But, at least, I've cousins who made me laughed and smiled. I'll never forget this beautiful Sunday... never...

Besides this joyful event... I don't think theres anymore "happy stuffs" I could share... ):

Last night, I went kbox with Jp Kor. We had our dinner at KFC then walked to E!hub for singing session from 9pm-2am! Yeap! Sang till Kbox closed! Heheh. Then we walked back home.. I reached home at about 3am.. Showered then zzzzzzz... I thought I can sleep but I can't. Throughout the whole night, I felt very uncomfortable so I was like.. "half awake" till about 5a.m, I finally woke up.. My stomach hurts.... Feeling very nauseous and giddy... So I went to the toilet in Mummy's room and she woke up the moment I used her toilet.. I was too weak so I asked her to make a cup of warm milo for me.. And just the next minute, I started puking all over the toilet bowl..

My hands and legs felt cold and weak.. This feeling... How I wish.. this feeling.. will make me die eventually.. Dad drove us to Changi General Hospital.. Mum brought me to A&E for check-up.. She's afraid I might have gastric ulcer. But, the doctor said, he don't think its gastric ulcer because usually people who have that are mostly adults at the age of 20++. So I was given medicine AGAIN, then, Dad drove us back home.. I feel miserable... I think, I am really a huge burden and hindrance. )= Serve me right for suffering from all these pains. I know I've gastric yet I deliberately drink alcohol. I don't like to drink. I-just-want-to-punish-myself-for-everything..

At several times when I wanna just slash myself with penknive, I hold back.. You know, I tried very very hard to fulfill my promises to GanMummy. I struggled so hard to control my hand NOT TO take the penknive. You know, how much my heart hurts...? I know its stupid to hurt myself but, you won't understand... I felt better after punishing myself... But because of the promises I made, I struggled so much to kick away those thoughts.. Any idea that it hurts even more when I can't punish myself that way..........? Scold me stupid, say me silly, but, you will never understand how it feels to be in such a situation........

I don't believe I will be treated like that forever... Since I behaved myself, I did not do anything silly, I believe God will help me. And yes God really helped me. He sent another Angel down.. An Angel who sings... I believe in her, I believe in my own heart. I know she's a guardian angel who's able to guide and show me the way.. So I wholeheartedly listened to her advices, cherished her love... She allows me to see a new Hope. Alycia eventually stands up once again and her parents are so proud of her. Alycia is so happy to have met this big sister and she was so excited and happy to be able to introduce this loving sister to her parents...

I frequently talk to my mum and tell her how blessed and happy I felt to have this big sister to guide me along. I told my mum, "See, I didn't give up thats why God sent a kind soul to me to guide me..." My parents were happy to see me in a speed of recovery... I can tell that they were grateful to this big sister whom I've met... But, just as I begin to stand up steadily, she lets go of my hands and I fell again. Then God tells me, "Alycia, actually you've already made that 1/4 of step towards your recovery. But you fell again.. Its okay, just start everything over again, I believe you can do it." You know how frustrated I felt when I heard this?!

It took me so much strengths just to make that 1/4 and now you tell me I gotta start everything over again?! Any idea how unsatisfied I felt???!!! It makes me have the urge to shout for this Angel, WHY DO YOU EVEN COME TO MY LIFE WHEN YOU ALREADY INTENDED TO LEAVE?! Why must you hold me up when you know that you will let me go even before I'm steady?? You know, this second fall is much more painful than the first.......? I really wish I could hate you for leaving me in a lurch.. But you know, I can't...

Now that I fell again... After giving in my all, I fell again... fell terribly.... I-don't-feel-like-living-anymore. I really really got the urge to just say goodbye to this world. I promised not to touch alcohol but last night I drank. And as I wished, it made my gastric worst. Yes, I did it on purpose. I want my gastric to hurt.. The hurts make me feel alive. The hurts are my punishments for myself. But you know what, I feel even useless when these punishments for myself pulls my parents down with me. They gotta bring me to hospital... Pay for my medical fees... etc etc. I FEEL VERY USELESS! But I don't know what I can do. I really tried my best, gave in my all............... But I still fall down..........

I'm such a hindrance, such a burden...............

If you feel better this way then leave me all you want.......

I am bleeding, but I've to say, I am NOT bleeding!!!

2010-07-30T14:48:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

My head-ache already lasted for almost a week. And yesterday fever finally came... Which I expected it to come sooner or later. It wasn't a good day. The night before I wrote in my notebook, "To talk to Dr Cheryl" but I failed in the end... There goes a big "cross"... I still find it so hard to share my stuffs with someone I'm not familiar with. And my fever made me felt even worst.. So she suggested we'll have another appointment in 2 weeks time and perhaps by then I would be well enough to share things with her.... She's a nice lady, patient enough to handle someone like me... Thanks Dr Cheryl... But, she also said, she would increase my dosage... Since for 3 years' and I'm still not feeling any better.. BUT, I refused. I've already promised to take it alternate days with 20mg of fluoxetine. No way am I gonna increase it to taking every single day with a higher dosage. No way!

After the session, Mum and I took a cab back as I was really feeling unwell. It has been so long ever since I took a nap... I think I slept for about 3 hours? Haha. My head feels very heavy even up till now... My gastric is not getting any better as well... I can't eat... Things that go in makes my stomach ache... I can only drink warm milo.... But, I'm hungry! Sigh* Hyperventilation has been acting up more and more often... Chest tight, difficulties in breathing, nauseous, trembling hands... I feel really "stuffy" inside my heart... I don't like it this way. I don't like seeing Alycia so weak!

My body is getting kinda temperamental.. I don't know what happened, I just feel like sleeping all day.. Supposed to have insomnia but I don't know why nowadays I always feel like sleeping and not wanting to wake up. I don't know if this is an imrpovement or "deprovement"...

Sometimes, Humans should learn to have the simplicity of a child's mind. Just a small candy can lift up a smile on them... That's how children spend their life with so much joys & laughters.. That's the joy of "childhood".. Why can't adults do the same? Why can't the joy of childhood be continued to the "joy of adulthood"?

I loved the times when I was much younger like in kindergarten and primary school days... In kindergarten days, I love art. And I remembered I'll always get rewarded by stars stickers for my "nice" drawing... Haha. Then, in primary school days I remembered I always scored well in "Spelling". There's once in primary 3... My teacher even rewarded me with a box of sweeeets and I was like super happpppy jumping away BUT unlike other kids who'll quickly open and eat up all the sweets.., I kept them because I cannot bear to eat those sweets which I thought was my "Achievements" and those achievements shouldn't be kept in my stomach. HAHAH! Yeah, this "sentimental" side was already instilled in me since primary school.. Haha.

***It has been long ever since I get a "star" for my achievements. But recently ever since I know her, she's also like a teacher to me.. She gave me stars for doing a good job, she gave me stars for my littlest achievements. She also said for as many stars as I collected I'll get to exchange for a present.. You know, I was actually extremely happy to hear that. Its not about how big the present in order to make me smile. In fact, its how big the sincerity and love that I felt when she said those words to me... For every stars she said she would give me, I'll draw them in my little notebook. I took her words seriously because I believe it will help me, even if in the end, I won't be rewarded with any present, I am still happy to see the stars that she has given me...And I will always smile whenever I opened my notebook and see those simple but beautiful stars that I get to draw... Because, it simply represents, the "achievements" I got.. And the stars I received from my most favourite "teacher" makes me happier... But now, she seemed to have given up on me.. She left me, to teach a new class... I'm no longer given the chance to collect stars from her. And I know, no other teachers would be so nice to reward me with any stars... From the day she left me, I feel very dejected...***

Although things happened, external factors/people affects me quite a whole lot. But, be it physically or mentally, I believe that I am still responsible for my own "Self"". I've never thought of pushing all the faults neither do I have the rights to do that.. All I could do is, "To blame myself for being weak..." And to learn to be stronger from where I last fall... It won't be easy, nothing is easy. But I will try...

I won't give up yet. I'll fight my tears back. I won't allow myself to tear ever again. I am not gonna cry. I promise, I am not gonna cry...

Miserable 9/10

2010-07-28T23:22:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

I don't know why I'm still tangled by this "simple yet complicated" situation.. She came, He came. I tried my best. He came, She left. She left, I am sad. I give my best. And She never comes back. He said she is stressed. He said things he shouldn't say. I appreciate a lot but He is still instilling lots of invisible stress in me. I tried to convince him to set me free. He said He is tired. She said She is tired. She said she understands Him. She said she knows that He has already tried his best in helping me.

But where is me?

She, He.
He, She.

They have been guiding me along the way. And I'm listening to what they say that I feel helps me and I gave in my best.. But in the end, She still left me behind. When I thought it supposed to be 2 Angels coming to my aid, in the end, I seemed to be the only sinner who caused so much stress and miseries to the both of them... ):Thinking that I did everything just to attract attention... I kept quiet when I actually wanted so much to question... In what way will I gain by trying to attract attention? What does it benefit me to do that? IF it really does help me gain something, MAYBE I would really try to "attract attention".. Well, no harm anyway...~

From the day we met, the day we talked and became friends.. Till the day you became my confidant... I felt blessed to have you as a friend. Till now, you left.. You're still in my mind... I prayed for your back pain to be recovered, your work loads to reduce so that you have ample time to rest.. And, prayed for you to find your prince and live with him happily ever after like what you told me before.. Hahs. If you still treat me as ur friend, you would've said, "Silly girl". I know I am silly but I really do believe in silent prayers... Actually I don't even have to say out here but after talking to him and knowing the "truth", I've the urge to spill everything out to you, wanting you to know how much I treasure you as a friend/sister... And how much I think you've misunderstand me... Maybe, afterall, you have not known me yet... Maybe, I don't know you yet either...

"Friends who don't know you doubts your heart no matter how much love you gave in, but close friends will understand that you are just being you, not a false front but a genuine one..."

I talked to my best friend whom I called "Da Ge" yesterday... I called him Da Ge because he knows me well and can give me good advices. He is a very straightforward person and that is why I feel I need such a friend beside me to pinpoint where I go wrong... I told him about Her..

(My conversation with him)

He said, now she cannot accept me as her friend because I'm just like a little girl in search for a pillar to support... I really like this sentence he said... Thanks Bro for talking to me.. (=

You see, that's actually all I need.. Someone who can tell me the truth.. And not just leave me without a reason...

I seriously don't wanna talk about this matter anymore. But I guess I failed. Because, He(Buddy D) kept telling me and reminding about Her. I don't know why, I just feel like he is causing lots of confusion between me and her. I am not pushing the blames to him. But seriously, he made me feel very stressed up, very depressed... When I'm trying my best to let go of her... He kept creating obstacles for me to remember her, to know things about her...etcetc.. The worst is, even after knowing what she said to him, I don't have the heart to talk to her on msn/sms to ask her what exactly she thinks of me and the reason of her "sudden change of attitude towards me".... All I can do is, to suppress everything inside me, SMILE, and go to sleep....

I tried my best... Really tried my best... I don't need any sympathy... Friendship don't need sympathy... Friends are just there for one another...

Yes my life still goes on without her.. But, it is a psychological barrier to me that makes me so miserable... She thinks I'm leading on happier and better without her.. Yes, I am still leading on fine... I am still moving on bravely... But, at several times when I'm reminded of you, it caused me much sorrows and miseries... And these sorrows and miseries are obstructing me from moving on faster towards my goals. Are you happy to see me getting stuck every now and then...? :(
I don't know when I will get over and delete this matter off completely... Please, I plead you to at least, leave me an email, tell me what happened... :( Please...

Alright.. That's all I've to say... I'm having headache still.. I think I'm falling ill.. But, not sure why, its like, falling yet not falling... Dangling somewhere in mid air....

And, I wanna thank Lili for talking to me and sharing with me meaningful stuffs over the msn... Her dolphin painting brightens me up... And her Nemo... so adorable... But I should be like Dory... I should... Hahs.

I'm really feeling uncomfortable... ):

Good night.

Sick 7/10

2010-07-28T01:36:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

I just got back from a wake not long ago.. Once in awhile GanMummy will lead us all the "buddhism members" to give prayers to the dead.. So basically we will chant prayers for the decease even if we are not related to him/her. Its considered a good deed I supposed.(=

I'm not feeling well.. It comes so suddenly.. I hope I don't fall sick.. Because my cousin's wedding is on the coming Sunday! Oh dear. Once I get sick, its hard to recover.. So.. please... wait till my cousin's wedding is over then sick can?! Haha.

And and and...... Jp Kor already helped me book tix for Kewei's concert @ Esplanade on the coming 27th August! He is coming along with me!!! Yay!! I think he is forced by me.. Hahaha! Poor thing~ Because I die die also wanna pull someone together with me because I really REALLY wanna be there to support her on her very FIRST ticketed concert! I super support local singers.. And Kewei really puts in a lot of effort thus really worth the support.. (= I can't wait for her concert!!! Jp Kor, we'll go there super early so that we can get the best seat! ON AH! ;P

Alrighty! I shall stoppp here... See la, I'm so stubborn! Not feeling well still wanna blog... Haha. Gonna sleep soon..

Nights peeeeposss!

Tired 8/10

2010-07-27T02:00:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

I've got my guitar strings fixed!!! Cheeze!* Heheh! Thanks to Jp Kor who brought me there! Appreciate it a lot!!! THANKS!!! We had lunch together at Ananas Cafe then I headed off to meet Mummy at Ah Yi's centre. After that cabbed with Mummy & Ah Yi to Ah Yi's house.. Oh yeah~ Home-cooked food is delicious! The soupppp is so yummyyyy! No MSG but still taste as heavenly! Love it a lot! (=

The bad thing is, I forgot to take my medicine! I wrote it in my notebook but I still forget! Sad*** It's alright~~~ I will take it as soon as I wake up... YAWN!* I am yawning so widely now. Okay, I think I better go sleep now..

Continue tomorrow... My eyes are closing~~~

Good Night!!!

Perseverance !!!

2010-07-26T00:27:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

OHOH? Its my idiotic cousin's 19th birthday today! BLESSED BIRTHDAY BITCH! Hey, its a THRIPLE "B"! Hahahha! Okay, shut the crap. I think I'll just help her make a wish to be a good girl, look after her pimple face, cut down on FOOD and save more money.. Yeah that's all about it. And I never get her any present since she owed me MINE! Tsk! What a "GOOD" cousin! Hahahhaha!

Anyway, I went to Bugis today and Jp Kor accompanied me there. Heheh. Thanks so much for standing under the hot sun with me.. And your UMBRELLA... So silly of you to deliberately go buy an umbrella for me and even sheltered me from the sun.. You made me feel like some famous singer, still got people to serve me..~ Haha. Next time don't have to do that luh, I don't wanna be pampered like this... Hope you understand. But really thanks a lot for everything(=

Its so lovely to see her and Kewei perform.. I really enjoyed myself.. Thanks Angels(= And it was really nice seeing my vocal teacher, Rollin over there as well(= Having the chance to witness all these youthful music lovers was another nice experience for me. I should be like them, isn't it? Why am I cooping myself up and feeling depressed all day long? So miserable.. Hmm, it's alright.. Step by step, I believe I will get out of this.

Oh yeah, I'm going to get my guitar strings fixed.. Jp Kor is bringing me to Aljunied later.. Heheh! Once I get it fixed, I will go register for Acoustic Guitar Lesson at Yamaha. Oh yeah! That's my aim for now! ^^

Action speaks louder than words... I hope I'll succeed in learning guitar this time... I DON'T WANNA FAIL ANYMORE!!! Really feel veryyyy scared~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I don't wanna fail anymore... I can do it! I can do it! I can can can CAN do it!!!

Jie! Wait for me, I will go back to learning vocal lesson...
Mummy! Wait for me, I will go back to vocal lesson and overcome my fears..
GanMummy! Wait for me, I will show you that I have the ability to look after you in future..

Wan An!

Smiling 7/10

2010-07-25T01:04:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

Oh my tian! I'm super tired!!! Tomorrow.. I mean LATER I'm gonna wake up at 10.30a.m! Madness~~~ But I know my heart wants me to go... I just only found out that Kewei will also be there so... double happiness! Giggles* I love to see others sing and get judged.. Because I can really learn quite a bit from there.. (=

Anyway, just now I went to Changi Village for dinner with my parents, Ah Yi, her husband and my 2 god bros. The food was just... mediocre.. Not sure if the standard dropped or what~ After dinner, we headed to Tampines Mall and Century Square. Mummy went with me to Yamaha to enrol for guitar lesson and to get my guitar strings fixed. But, sadly, we came late and it was closed earlier on weekends. And for the guitar strings, they don't have such service to get it fixed for me. So I've to go all the way to Peninsula but Daddy says he'll help me get it down when he is free. Thanks Daddy! And Mummy!

Shopping with them at BHG then went back... That's all!

Oh yeah! My one-night-stay at GanMummy's hse... I waited for her from day till midnight.. But didn't get to talk to her... It's alright! I'm fine now anyway. I didn't slept well at her house. Because, I am not used to sleeping with people on the same bed.. Though its a rather Big Bed but, I was in between GanMummy & Kelly.. Just a little shake or hit by them and I'll wake up again.. I'm timid I guess. I seriously lack a lot of secure... For the whole night I kept falling asleep and waking up the next minute.. Until I got a bad headache now... )= But, it was nice having GanMummy beside me... Because, at least I know, my Guardian Angel is beside me... And, you know, Angels SNORE as well! HAHAH!!! YES, GANMUMMY SNORED! Make me giggled at myself in the middle of the night... Heheh.

Alright! Thats all! Will be at Bugis tmr. Do catch me there! Haha.

Good night!

Love you!

Hurt...deeply...

2010-07-24T00:16:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

I've been waiting for GanMummy since this afternoon... Till now, shes still not back yet. My heart is dying... I need to re-charge. When I'm letting go, I am still not let go... Why must they hurt me like this....

Tired 8/10

2010-07-23T01:27:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

I-am-super-tired.

I am happy as well. But I don't know why am I happy. Haha. Maybe is because, I've really let down whatever that has happened. Anyway, I had a sumptuous home-cooked dinner just now at Ah Yi's house. Yummy!!! Yummy!!! Besides this, nothing much actually.. Haha.

Gonna visit my Ah Gong later.. Really sad to see him getting older and weaker... My Ah Ma as well... Sigh* IF only I am capable like Justin Bieber, earn lots of money, RICH.. I can give them a good life... Things would then be easier for them... Anyway no point "IF-ing" here and there... Nothing is perfect, money don't grow from trees...

Speaking about trees.. I heard of many recent news about "trees smashing cars." Seriously, God seemed to be punishing us. People can even die while sitting in a bus/driving a car then got smashed my fallen tree? How ridiculous... But it makes me see how vulnerable Life is... You'll never know what will happened... Then, it makes me wonder, What if I go out tomorrow and innocently got knocked down by a bicycle and..died... Well, its possible what! Maybe the bicycle knocked me down then I fall on to the road side then another car run over me...~ Okay, very dramatic but its possible! Since nothing is impossible! Right..? Come to imagine it, it really shivers down my spine.. I don't wanna die so young... :S
Life is really so.... unpredictable!

Alright, I'm going to sleep now. Before the clock strikes 2.. , I better be on my bed! Tomorrow.. I mean, TODAY, later... please remind me to take my medicine... Eh, or did I already took it yesterday? Oh dear. I forgot.... :S I don't wanna take every single day... So I'm taking alternate days. But, I can't remember if I took it yesterday.. STM!!!! SHOOO!!!

Good Nighh... MORNING!!!! heheh.

The heart and mind... (=

2010-07-22T01:27:00.001+08:00

Dear Diary,

Do you believe in religions? God? Goddess? I've not yet baptise because I still do believe that everything lies in myself, not the Gods or Goddesses. But, its weird when things happened and I started doing some things weirdly.. Hmm, let me rewind...

(20th July)
Last night, I was at my GanMummy's house when I saw a very hurtful message on Facebook. But that's not the end of the hurts. When I got back home and went on Facebook, I saw someone simply "Like" this hurtful message! I was pissed off and went to message him. In the end, I got ANOTHER hurtful reply from him. So now its more like "triple blows"..? He is the guy I once loved. And she is like an angel to me whom I once looked up upon her as my role model... But, they both hurt me deeply on the same day when my wounds are not yet healed...

Perhaps I did hurt him and failed to handle that relationship well enough.. I really feel sad about it... And you know, these few days I even dreamt of him. I don't know why... But anyway, definitely its all over... Since its over, why must he still do that to hurt me?

Perhaps my actions show that I'm overdoing things for her.. But, that's just a different point of view from different people... If she feels uncomfortable, she would've told me because I know she's a straightforward person. But she did not... IF I'm really like a nuisance who keep clinging on to her, keep smsing and msning her everyday, I will say that I'm really too dependant on her and seriously cause much disruption to her life. But, I did not... Why do I treat her like an Angel is because without me making the first move to contact her, she herself would drop me a message to ask how am I doing. That is what made me feel very touched and appreciate all these littlest thoughts of her... And why don't I usually make the first move to sms or msn her is because I understand that she is busy.. I looked up upon her as my friend, an older sister, an idol, my role model... If by doing this for my idol is "overdoing" then I seriously don't understand why fans of other singers like Rainie Yang, Jay Chou etc.. Their fans can do so much more than me... Isn't it..?

I really don't understand why am I "disrupting her peaceful life" when I've done nothing... This really hurts a lot... My heart really feels so pain.. I truly cannot believe my own eyes... Because of this, my damn it hyperventilation acts up again... I... I.. kept starring at the screen hoping that my eyes are playing tricks on me.. But NO! That's just the fact that I have to learn to accept...! Till now, I do not even understand why I've to face with all these treatments... I was very sad at that point of time and started sms-ing Sisso, Mummy & GanMummy.. In the end, I decided to head off to GanMummy's house and wait till she comes back.. So I waited at home till 5pm I left the house. But before that, I was actually going crazy at home alone...

Unknowingly, I walked to my living room, to my Goddess of Mercy... I actually stood infront of her and prayed that everything that happened is just a nightmare that would eventually disappear when I wake up. How silly!* My heart and mind was in a total deranged state... And unknowingly I started to "抄经"... Its called a "心经".. Haha. I've never thought I would ever have the patience to do that. (Now, I think I looked like some super devoted buddhism disciple.. Haha.) But, in fact, I'm not that super devoted type neither am I the type who's very "into" religions... So that makes me even more weird and impossible for me to sit down infront of my Goddess and copy sutras... BUT SERIOUSLY, I did that! :S

At the beginning, I wasn't really focusing on what I was writing... But slowly, I did managed to try forget about external stuffs and just focus on the sutras. And miraculously, I did felt so much better and that I felt like, all the hurts and anger has weirdly turned into love and forgiveness.. By the time I reached GanMummy's house... by the time she came back home from work....., she do not even need to console me because I was already fine... Haha.

Hmm, it seemed like I'm starting to feel some deep "connections" between me and my Goddess of Mercy. Haha! Whatever la~ Anyway, even if I asked GanMummy if Goddess of Mercy really exist?? She will answer me, "If you think she exist then she exist lor. If you don't think she exist then she don't exist lor." Hahaha! So again, its all in the heart and mind... (=

Alright, whatever that happen-s already happen-ed... I've frowned enough, cried enough... Though she has left me but I still remembered what she told me before, she said, I can cry but after crying I have to know when to move on... So now, I guess, its time to move on and start a new phase of life... (=

Alycia, eat more beef so that you will be stronger! Haha.

Good Night people! Have a sweet dream!

Rewards for improving, "Losing"

2010-07-21T01:13:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

Today was a fine day out with my baobei Mummy to Bugis! (= Both of us managed to buy our clothes for my upcoming biaojie's wedding on the 1st August! We also had a heart-to-heart talk while in the bus and mrt and I guess, it did helped us understand each other better. Thank you Mummy for bringing me out today! <3

After shopping, we headed to GanMummy's house.. Didn't really talked much to her today because she simply knows EVERYTHING already. Haha. But, just by having her by my side makes me feel happy..

Seemed like I'm really super blessed to have 2 wonderful Mommys huh! Without my Mommys, I will die. Seriously, I don't think I can live without them. Love you my baobei Mommys! (=

Throughout these months, I've really learnt a lot. I.. Ha. Why do I feel like crying now... ... Eya..., as you know, there's a new Angel who came and really helped me a lot. Although she often feels that what she did was nothing.. but in fact, to me, those littlest things are actually the greatest things that I truly appreciate. Because, I feel, there's hardly anyone in this world who will gives a damn about one another. But, she is one of the tenth I see who has a heart that cares.. People thinks I am too dependant on her. I don't blame them because, I know that its the Actions that people judge. But, I know myself best. Things that I do for her is just merely my sense of gratitude towards her.. My appreciation... And of course, things that I wrote about her are truly words that came from my heart. Perhaps others may think that I'm overdoing it.. But, to me, I feel, thats already the least that I could do... My "Least" to others might be "Most".. Well, I don't know? People says I'm a perfectionist. So I believe, that answers to why am I always "overdoing" things... That's just me, I can't help it...

Then, Friend D came... I am speechless and don't wish to talk about him. But I wanna say that, he did cared for me and I truly appreciate it. I am really left with no choice otherwise I wouldn't have asked him to "fk off"... You can say that I'm selfish. But his actions really made me feel that he has a motive. Whatever it is, I've learnt to be harsh when there's a need to. I can't remain so soft-hearted anymore, otherwise, I'll be "eaten up" in such a society. All I can say is, Sorry to Friend D that you came to my Life in the wrong timing.. I would've be pretty nice friends with you if my depression is cured. But sadly, it hasn't. And I cannot afford to let you affect my emotions any deeper... I really thank you for looking after me for that short period of time but our affinity ends here.. Thanks and goodbye.

In such a short period of time, I was so elated that I gained new friends! But, in just split seconds, I lost both at the same time. It hurts me to see how the way she treats me now... I feel that, I'm sentenced to death for no reason. I died without knowing why and how I died. It feels like that... Really painful... I gave in my all to help her without asking anything in return.. Just a small request for her not to leave me.. She leads me rather well.. And I also played my part.. Everyday, I remembered my promises to her.. And I did it..

Switch off laptop, lights off, everything off and go to bed by 2.. Leave handphone aside.
Take my medicine alternate days.
Learn to "analyse" things myself

I promised her and I did not break my promises. And it did helped me a lot. When she said she needs a break, I totally disappear from her, no sms, no msn, no fb... Nothing. Then suddenly, I don't know what happened, all the hurtful words started coming out from her which I simply do not know why.. I assumed that she is too stressed up with her workload so I just smiled to myself and prayed that everything will be okay for her. But, I realized, it isn't like this... She actually feels that.. I'm disrupting her peaceful life... Am I...? )= I didn't even utter a single word... Why am I disrupting her peaceful life? If by trying too hard to help her is a disruption then... I'm really sorry...

I'm getting along fine, always trying my best... But I didn't know that in the end, my reward of improving is, "Losing". Losing an Angel, losing a sister, losing a friend... Why does she even hold on to my hand when she intends to let go? At the very least, wait till I'm strong enough to walk on my own.. Why let go now when I'm just about to stand up..? Any idea that by doing this will make me fall badly...? Falling down isn't the worst pain, its my heart that hurts most... The physical pain will just disappear once the wounds are healed but the mental pain... I've got no idea if there's a bandage for your heart... She said, she won't leave me.. But now, I am left with no choice but to leave her. The worst is, I don't even know the reason why I have to go...

My mum knows about it but infront of her, how can I tear? The only time I can cry is, when I'm walking in the rain, in the swimming pool or here..in my own room... Hahs. Now, I'm facing another obstacle. One after another. And, all I can do is, to tell myself, Rainbow is still colourful... So Alycia, continue walking... soon... there will be another Rainbow... As long as you believe, you will see it...

I still believe she is an Angel.. Though her words hurts me a lot but I still see her as my Angel... Perhaps, our Affinity are all used up and it just simply have end here. Since her new chapter of Life is a more interesting & meaningful one, I will give her all my blessings.. I truly hope she'll continue smiling and persevering to every obstacles ahead... Once again, I wanna thank her for bringing me so much Hopes, giving me the strength to persevere... Thanks a lot. I really appreciate it. Goodbye...

That's the end of this friendship I guess. Though I am at home all day, I too, needs a break. A break to get this wound recovered... A break to think about how to move on without any guidance from this Angel... A break to think more about what I should do next... I need this break to calm myself and start planning my next move...

Alycia, don't let this affect your emotions. You're already on the verge of recovery... Don't let this bring you down... You can do it...

Tired 9/10

2010-07-20T01:14:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

I fell down again.

My eyes are very tired after tearing so much. My head nearly explode after thinking too much. I-am-very-tired. Mentally drained. Ah yi(s) and GanMummy came to visit me just now. But when GanMummy left, I cried again. She gives me secure thus the moment she leave me, I felt very insecure... )= I am utterly disappointed in myself for falling down again. I thought GanMummy will feel the same but she did not. Instead, she told me to start all over again. 跌倒了再爬起来。这个不行就走另一道路。如果还不行就一直走到行为止。I feel so sorry. Its not that I 想不开 ,instead its more like a shout-out that I really need a "break" from all these emotional pain & struggles...

It took me so much strength to walk till here.. It took me sooo much strength to complete just this 1/4 of the journey. And I still have so much more obstacles coming ahead... I am not a weakling. Not gonna let myself give up just like that. Such a stubborn person like me won't be satisfied to be defeated so easily...

After the sun rise, I am again a new Alycia who has grown more mature. After the sun rise, I am going to stand up once again and continue walking with a brave front... I am not gonna give up just like that... No way... I'm not gonna do that... Not gonna give up... Another fall, makes me stronger. So I am not gonna give up... Never ever give up...

Its gonna be a new start.

Heart To Heart Talk makes me Smile.

2010-07-19T02:18:00.004+08:00

Dear Diary,

I had a rather good heart-to-heart conversation with GanMummy just now. My fears, my doubts. I told her everything. She is a good listener and her words motivate me as well. And when she said, "你长大了", any idea how happy I felt inside me... (= She knows and understands that I've tried & gave in my very best. She sees my improvements... After hours of heart-to-heart talk with her, I realized, this adorable God Mummy of mine actually knows A LOT of my "secrets". Haha. We talked a lot, a lot... Seemed to have endless things to share with her... (:

I've got no idea how much worries I brought to her till today... when she told me how worried she was... She is afraid that I might fall back anytime because of my emotional pressure... So I told her lots of stuffs... One of them was, my suicidal thoughts... I told her frankly that up till now, I do have suicidal thoughts BUT the only difference is that, I have more self-control of myself now.

How stupid I was in the past to hurt myself. Now, whenever I have those stupid thoughts, I questioned myself,

"So what if I take the stupid penknive and cut myself, will things even change for the better? If yes, then go ahead! If no, then am I really THAT STUPID to do that?!"

So that's how I get rid of that stupid thoughts whenever they come to me...

I talked a lot to GanMummy and I am really happy that she understands me SO MUCH MORE THAN I EXPECTED. Haha. She kept telling me that I am slowly improving. She said she 对我有信心 and told me not to give up. Knowing that she sees me improving, knowing that she continues encouraging me instead of rushing me, I feel so happy. That's what I want... My littlest improvements to be seen by my loved ones... Why can't Mummy see them? All she do is to say, "Good job, baobei, you really improved..Slowly k?Don't rush...Mummy will always support you..." Then the next moment, "Why are you still at home?? Always eat, sleep, computer... You want your life to be like that izit? !&*^$@&*!&&#^!(&!^&@^." It goes on and on... Then slowly, that littlest improvements that I made are all erased off her. She don't see them anymore... Instead, she is expecting for more and more AND more...

Mummy always tell me not to rush... But she is always rushing me! Sigh* I seriously got no idea what to do. Alright~~~ I don't wanna talk about it anymore..~ Anyway, I felt much better after talking to GanMummy. Even if no one understands, at the very least I know that GanMummy does... I promised myself, from NOW ON, no matter what problems I faced, the first person I'll seek to is, GanMummy.. I don't want myself to STILL be worrying about who to seek to when I'm already at the point of breaking down ... Just because I feel that everyone is busy and that I don't want to be their burden, I started keeping everything to myself... I seriously should start sparing a thought for myself instead of keep worrying about others...

My heart is finally so much more at ease now... Really thank GanMummy for listening to me and telling me so much stuffs... Love you my dearest Someone Special... (=

Alright, I think I'm late again! Sorry Jie!!! I blogged till lost track of the time.... OFF I GO NOW!!!

GOOD NIGHT!!! (=

ARGH!!!!! WHY CANT U UNDERSTAND ME!!!

2010-07-18T02:13:00.001+08:00

Dear Diary,

Ouch! Gastric hurts~ But I guess..I deserved the pain... (= Anyway, I didn't go to Ah Yi's centre today as Mum was like saying everyone would be quite busy there. And I don't think I would be of much help also so I decided to meet Lili instead! Okay, let me intro you my new friend, Lili. She's one of the members of this band called, "Nai You Pai Gu Fan" and yeah.. I knew her from Jie.. So today.. I mean, YESTERDAY(since its alr passed 12), Lili text me if I would like to go for Ktv. I thot about it for awhile and eventually agreed to go with her..

We planned to meet at 4.30p.m @ Chinatown. But, I was frickinn' early & reached at about, 3.45p.m? I was soo happy that I managed to make my own way there... BUTTTTTT, the minute I reached Chinatown, I became a big moron. I'm like walking to and fro, going up & down the escalator to find the right place.. I wanted to go Lucky Chinatown's Macdonald for a drink while waiting for Lili but I stupidly don't know which exit to go to. So I randomly pick an escalator & went up. I wasn't lucky that's why I went up and down until I found the right exit. See, God is testing me. He don't allow me to get thru this just by being "pure luck".. Instead, He made me go the long way & make me try every single escalator until the very LAST one, I made it to my destination..

When I thought everything's smooth, it simply deliberately PURPOSELY set another obstacle for me. I thought I could get a drink & sit down at Macdonald. But the minute I walked in, I walked out. All the seats were occupied and there was a pretty long queue. So I was afraid to join the queue... I quickly walked out of Macdonald and I stood outside. And I didn't dare to go back in to Macdonalds because I was afraid people might think What's wrong with this girl? Keep going in and out don't know for what..

So basically I stand there like a stupid moron who is afraid to step in to Macdonalds. What a big joke. I hate myself for being so useless. I-am-NOT-satisfied. 我不甘心! You get it? SO, I waited till the queue gets shorter and more people to leave so that I can have a seat. I WAITED AND WAITED. FINALLY!!! I saw an empty seat & there's only ONE person at the queue. I grinned to myself and quickly walk towards it. I was nervous, VERY nervous. But in the end, I managed to get an ice-milo for myself as well as an empty seat.. Giggles*** ANY IDEA HOW HAPPY I FELT?!

Lili came & we went to KBOX together... Oh yeah, Dasmond joined us at the very last minute.. So the 3 of us sing, sang, sung until the person chased us out. HAHAHAHHA! BUT, that's NOT the end of our singing session~ We headed to Smith Str.(Reminds me of Jie. Hehe.) after that & continued singing at this $10 club thingy.. HAHAHHA! Tell you what, Lili sang SUPERBLY GOOD man!!~ Really VERY super lor! I was so in love with her singing until I don't feel like singing... Because, I just wanna relax & enjoy her pretty voice. (= Oh yeah, its the FIRST TIME I sing in an opened hall with strangers around.. Because this $10 club thingy is like that one lor, only got a few rooms but they are all occupied. Haha. You know, I was SO GODDAMN nervous!!! But, I still managed it... Hehehe. ANY IDEA HOW HAPPY I FELT??!!

After singing, Lili brought me back home.. She's really sweet you know. She knows that my little index finger got a small cut and she actually bluff me that she's going to 7eleven to get some drinks back for her mum but instead she went to get me a plaster. And I was kinda stupid also. I didn't realize she bluffed me. When we got in the cab, she took out a box of plaster.. I was wondering, Why she take out plaster? Her leg got blister ah? HAHAHA. SO STUPID RIGHT?! Until she asked me for my injured finger... ONLY THEN I know she actually went to 7 eleven to get me plaster... Thanks Lili... Your thoughtfulness really touched me... (=

I seemed to have made a few "improvements" in these 2 days... Just now, at every little step I managed to overcome, I was really very happy and I've the urge to sms Jie, to tell her that I'm out with her friend Lili & that I've made some improvements.. Really feel like sharing this joy with her because.. in this part, shes the one who gave me the biggest motivation... "ANALYSE! ANALYSE!" That's what Jie always tell me. Haha(= So indeed, I analysed AND analysed until I found the answer & finally I made it.

I wanted to tell Mummy about the baby steps that I made and to discuss with her about the guitar lesson.. But, Dad wasn't happy that I got back home late so Mum got pissed off also. AND I GOT EVEN MORE PISSED OFF! I may show that I don't give a damn respect to them. But actually I DO! I do respect and love them as my parents. BUT RIGHT NOW I JUST WANNA MAKE MY OWN DECISION AND PAVED MY OWN PATH! I know what I'm doing, I know what kind of friends I am with. And, in the end, even if I got cheated or whatever, I WON'T BLAME THEM. Because I am responsible for my own actions, I WILL be responsible for it.

Mum & Dad have been providing me with too much protection. I've been in this SAFETY ZONE for SEVENTEEN years! Now that I need to GET OUT of this safety zone so that I can learn to survive on my own, they still behave SUPERBLY concerned & protective over me. Then tell me, HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO SURVIVE? I've been trying my very best to overcome my obstacles but all Mummy do is, to keep nagging at me that MY LIFE IS UPSIDE DOWN. She thinks I am NOT doing anything. She thinks that I am RUINING my OWN LIFE. But what the hell does she know???!!! When I'm trying so hard on my own... WHAT DOES SHE KNOWS?!

I NO LONGER want to tell her what I'm doing or what I am PLANNING TO DO. Because, I feel its so POINTLESS. I wanna share the joy with her, BUT, before I even OPEN my stupid MOUTH, she interferes and started nagging about me RUINING my OWN life... Yeah right~ I AM RUINING MY OWN LIFE, SO WHAT??!! When I'm trying hard, ALL SHE TELLS ME is, I AM RUINING MY OWN LIFE... And when I stubbornly don't want to try, she ALSO complain. Tell me, what is this? Then what is the point of me working hard?

Any idea how I feel???

Embracing me, protecting me, for 17 years... Now, you decided to let me free BUT at the same time you pull me back... So what is it now? You want me to be independant on my own or do you just wanna keep me protected in your arms and one day, we shall die together? Your actions are so contradicting... If you REALLY wanna let me free,then just let go... Just LET GO... Whether I die or live, that's already up to me... Any idea how scared I am...? But no matter how afraid I am, I'm still willing to continue walking... But why can't you understand that its already so tough for me... Yet, you still keep pouring me with so many negatives and make me feel so tensed up...

When I just managed to make a little achievement, you will start expecting more n more n more from me... Can you just give me some time? I am not like any other teenagers out there. I can't catch up at such a speed... I need time to slowly walk or even CRAWL towards my dream... You say, you didn't stress me.. But in fact, unknowingly, you did!

GIVE ME A BREAK! I wanna go on my own pace. I wanna handle my own life. PLEASE... )=

I feel like crying~~~

Tryin hard 9/10

2010-07-17T01:55:00.004+08:00

Dear Diary,

Before the clock strikes 2a.m, I better make a quick post & go to bed. Giggles* Finally get to see Sisso just now together with her Berry Boy. Its so sweet to see her so "berry" sweet with her Berry. Hehe. Sisso, hope to meet up with you soon yeah! Just the 2 of us sisters! Don't want that "berry" big "lightbulb". LAUGHS!* Met up with the guys as well.. Kieroy, Desmond, Zi Cai, Huai Min, Jacky & Justin... All of them drank alcohol except for Sisso & her bf and ME! Haha! I drank Ribena. See~ I'm such a good girl. Haha! I went for half an hr only lor. That stupid girl can't stay up late... And also, I promised Jie to go to bed by 2a.m. So I thought I should just leave together with her.. Then in the end, Sis & her bf sent me back home. So sweet right! Haha. Meimei and Meifu escort me back leh. Just only shortage of a red carpet...~ Hhahahhaha!!!

When I reached home, mum & dad was like, "Wah so early?!" (Hahahhahah!) Because usually I will join them till quite late as my house was very near the Kopitiam. Then I answered my mum, "See, I am a good girl right..." But she said, "Surely something happen one right then you so early come back....." WAH! You heard the "Piang Piang Piang" sound? Heart-broken*** Laughs!* Fine, so I just remained silent. I don't wanna tell her the reason behind. Wait till I've made some big improvements then she shall see it for herself!!! Only then, I will one by one story to her who is the "MASTERMIND" behind who leads me thru.. Haha!

Alright, gonna wake up at 11.45a.m then head off to Ah Yi's centre... The OPEN CEREMONY of my Ah Yi's centre... She dotes on me so much, so I've to go support her. Heheh! I wanna be like her also, work so hard to get to where she is now.. Her own boss of a tution centre... If only I can do my own business, be my own boss~ How great right~ Yeah, stop dreaming... Eh wait, I should say, START dreaming! Because, Every successful person starts from living a DREAM, isn't it? Haha. Why I so stupid? I must be frequently telling myself to STOP DREAMING thats why till now I'm still so far away from my dream... Sigh!*

From now on, I really have to talk to myself, Alycia, START DREAMING! LIVE UR DREAM! STRIVE FOR YOUR DREAM! Then one day, when your Dream turns to Reality... you'll be like jumping high up & say "OH YES! I DID IT!!!!" That's when you'll shine with GLORY & this glory will then be shared among your loved ones... Everyone will then smile & be so proud of you... I'll be working hard for this day to come... I'll be waiting to see those smiles on their face... I know I've said this many times but every time when I'm about to rise, I fall... I've said so many craps throughout these years, positives AND negatives but I'm still over here, at the same spot.... Its time to turn these Words into Actions... I know, it is time to do that.

I may be falling again & again, I may be one useless bum who encourages people so well yet failed to do it myself... But, till now, I'm still standing up, and that's all that matters, right..? I did not give up.

I may be still at the same spot but, at least, I never leave that spot.

This race is a tough one. I may stopped somewhere at the race track because of my injured foot. I may be the last to complete... BUT, for as long as I've never left that track, I still have the chance to complete the race. And IF I managed to complete the race, I've won. You must be thinking who have I won to? My competitors have completed much earlier than me.. If so, then who have I won? Well, in the end, who is the biggest competitor, the biggest opponent... Its none other than, Yourself. Isn't it? (= If you think you win then YOU win, but if you think you lose, then YOU have really lost...

Right now, I'm really learning hard to believe in myself... Just wait and see, one day, I'll make you feel proud of me. Mummy, I wanna let you see that your STUBBORN daughter is STUBBORN ENOUGH to keep walking despite her injured foot!Haha.

Good night.

Gonna Sleep Early! (=

2010-07-15T21:51:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

I'm gonna go to bed early today because I might be going to my Ah Yi's centre with my mum tomorrow.. Oh yeah, Home-cooked fooood~ Yummy~ Here I come~~~

Anyway, these are the song lyrics that I wrote... Not sure if its up to standard yet but hope to receive some comments... Whether is it good or bad, just comment la k! Its alright even if you tell me its super bad because I just got started only.. So no worries yeah! Alright, here it goes..

《对你说》

Deep inside of me~

发现被冷落的倒影

打开心底

翻开所有的回忆

Why can't you see~

我正在努力不放弃

冷漠的心

已将把眼泪结成冰

我哭喊着你为何不回应

这沉默真的好不洒脱

我哪里犯的错请你告诉我

不要把安静的困境一盖而过

Deep inside of you~

是否要等时间倒流

你才能看得见　我努力了好久

为何你总是看不到　我那小小的成就

Oh why don't you see~

我还在努力　没放弃

听天由命　我总不信这天理　

我还是选择　听我自己

我哭喊着你　闭上眼聆听

这沉默　所留下的痕迹

你给我的拥抱　是我最好的解药

不需要体谅我多少我只要你看到

我的成就虽然小但你的鼓励对我多重要

I hope you see~

就算只剩那零点零一的勇气

倔强的心我决不会因此就放弃

相信自己我会再次重返光明

《惟笑》

没有你我的心在哭泣

在心里你就是我唯一

突然发现我黑暗世界没终点

就这样把我心中的笑消失不见

惟笑~ Just Smile~

抛开心中所有烦恼

不哭不许哭

总有一天你会领悟

这世界并不想象中的那么孤独

惟笑~ Just Smile~~~

天使在守护你的心跳

别怕别害怕

相信自己不能在放弃

天使会陪伴着你绝不会离去

2 songs today(= Do give me some comments yeah(=

And next upppppp, I really miss my Sisso!!! This stupid girl got her "Berry" already then forget about me la! I really wanna smack her the next time we meet. Do remind me if I forget! Haha.

Alright! That's all I wanna say. Seemed like nothing much huh! Hehe. Anyway, I'm continuing my stupid medicine again. Gonna take it alternate days then slowly decrease to maybe 1 week twice... then 1 week once... then... STOP! (= I need to remind myself otherwise I will forget again.. Haha. Better to type it down here for evidence in case I become naughty again... Haha!

Alright,
Good Night! (=

Headache 8/10

2010-07-15T02:08:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

I'm craving for food now. Laughs* I always get hungry when I can't sleep at night. Sigh!* I'll go sneak for some snacks later. Hehehe* Anyway, I just wrote 2 songs & I hope to write more! I somehow find the joy in writing song lyrics so I'll continue doing so even if its not up to standard... BUT, I still love singing better. Haha.

I'm not going to Ah Yi's centre which means won't get to eat home-cooked food for dinner. Awww. I love home-cooked food a lot because no MSG! You know, it really taste different! With MSG & without MSG... The taste is really different. Home-cooked food taste more 清淡 compared to outside food but I like it that way because it is so much healthier & it also taste very yummy!!! (=

Since I talked about food now, let me share with you some of my favourites. Giggles* Recently I'm in love with this PONTIAN WANTON NOODLE. Haha! Though I don't really like to eat. But when my cravings come... Muahaha. I EAT SUPER ALOT! I like hokkien mee, chicken rice, curry chicken rice, nasi bryani, creamy pasta, tori q bento, tako pachi, porridge with fish, fried beancurd, beansprouts AND luncheon meat... 麻油鸡，pig trotter(without vinegar) with rice, rojak, mee goreng, fried carrot cake, you tiao with soya bean, tau hui, portugese eggtart, tian ji porridge @ geylang! ....... omg......... I'm craving for all that now.............. Still got more ok! Haha!

Alright, I think I'm getting a little high now... I should stop otherwise once I get too active... Later its even harder for me to fall asleep... Haha. Hmm, anyway, I'm still considering whether to go back to guitar lessons at Yamaha... Sigh* I hate myself for being so .... so.... ahhh~ I don't know what to say also... Just really hate myself for being so useless... Can't even make a simple decision...~ Nevermind, I'll seek for more opinions, analyse myself then make my own choice... Yes, I shall do that. I'll discuss with my mum tomorrow... And now I HAVE TO REALLY REALLY make sure that, once I've decided, I'll persevere till the very end... That's my request to myself... To persevere once I've made a decision instead of keep giving up after one try... I'll try my best... Give in my 100%, won't allow myself to be so weak to fall back again...

I believe I'm slowly getting out of darkness...... Like what GanMummy said that day that I've improved a lot & my thinkings are much more matured now... (= I'm so happy to hear that from her... Though she is always super busy, but, we're always heart to heart. And she never fails to understand me. Shes also my Angel who kept lifting me up with invisible wings whenever I start to fall... Since 3 years back till now, she never fails to make me rise... (= Thanks GanMummy... I'll continue trying my best & fulfill my promise to you which is to look after you when you get old & to give you the best of everything... (= Actually don't have to promise I also will look after you from now till forever.. Otherwise, what is a God Daughter for, right? (=

Alright, good night!

Will you catch the tears that I cried every single night?

2010-07-08T02:26:00.001+08:00

Dear Diary,

Everytime, when I begin to see "Hope", it'll always tend to disappear after that. Alycia, you should really stop dreaming. I was discussing with my mum if I could rent a push cart.. But after much discussion, it seemed like, its impossible. Then I recalled what Jie was telling me about "Over estimation".. And I think, that lies in me also. Maybe I've really over estimated my own abilities. Be it, my dream of producing my own album, tending a little shop, attending courses for photography & design... Laughs* Maybe I should just stay put & work under my Ah Yi & learn some admin from there. Laughs* Whatever stupid dreams... They are just simply unreachable for me. Maybe I should just forget about it...

In my little pink notebook, I noted down the date of my very first vocal lesson which is on the 3rd July 2010. I thought it will at least reach to the month of August. But, it just stopped at the 6th of July 2010. Laughs* Look, it's just like 3 days apart? And I already started giving up. I feel utterly disappointed in myself. At the moment I text Jie that I decided to give up on the vocal lesson, I really feel like taking a knife & stab myself hard.. I was like, HELLO?! ISNT THIS YOUR ALL TIME FAVOURITE SINGING?! WHY THE HELL ARE YOU GIVING UP AFTER JUST ONE LESSON?!! Ha! But, yeah, I guess, that's just me, the... coward & useless one...? The previous time was Guitar Lesson & now Vocal Lesson. Ha. Is this some kind of joke or what? Ha. Gave me the courage to get thru the first lesson but all the littlest courage... EVERYTHING is already used up for the next lesson. Without anymore courage, I've no choice but to quit.

And there you go, Devil, you must be laughing real hard at me. For being so weak... My Ah Yi told me when there's Angel, there will be Devil. So it depends on whether you allow Angel to have a greater power to defeat Devil. Angel wins or lose, it all lies in yourself. I've been receiving lots of Angel's words of love & encouragement. But I realized, just by one word from Devil made me forget all about Angel's words. And that's how my Angels are mostly hurt by me... I feel like I'm always letting Devil win... I'm truly the greatest sin....

I'm a person who loves planning before proceeding. Even for shopping, I hate walking aimlessly. In any situation, as long as there's a winning & losing, I'll either win with glory or lose with dignity and of course, a valid reason why. I don't like to compete & win when my opponent isn't at the best state neither will I concede defeat without knowing the reason why. But for now the situation I'm in, I really got no idea why I keep losing. Thus, I'm really not satisfied. I'm not one who will easily resign to my own fate. Because I believe Fate is in our own hands. When people think that I'm always weak, they are so wrong. Alycia is never weak...!

Seriously, I feel very dejected now. Really lost & helpless... There seemed to be a no-way out for me. I can feel my depressed level shooting up again... Thoughts of suicidal & hurting myself is coming back to me... Whenever all these negatives come to me, I'll start thinking that, Could it be because I've not taken my anti-depressants for more than 1 week thats why it got worst? But, I tried really hard to get rid of this thought. As what GanMummy says, It all lies in myself. Its not about the medicine, its about "Me". I'm trying very hard to get rid of the thought of "not taking medicine will make me worst". I'm really struggling at several point of time when I started thinking of that stupid medicine... AND, at the same time, I cannot show any signs of depressed infront of MY MUM. Otherwise, she'll start thinking that I cannot manage on my own. Then, she'll nag & nag at me to continue taking all the drugggggggs....

I really feel like exploding................... My mind is exploding...... My heart is dyinggggggggggggggg.....

SO NOW, what should I do?! I'm so aimless. I hate this meaningless dayssssssss. Hate this eat, sleep, tv, laptop... eat, sleep, tv, laptop... Continuously every single day. I hate it! What a "GOOD" life I have! Wanna exchange with me? I'd rather choose a hectic life with lesser miseries than a lazy life with TONS OF PAIN, SORROW, MISERY, INSECURITY, NEGATIVES etc etc ETC!

Not afraid of feeling depressed EVERY SINGLE DAY which slowly tortures you, leads you to suicide AND worst still might even end up to the Woodbridge where lunatic people lives??? IF so, THEN, pray hard to God to exchange such a life with me. I'll be more than happy to switch roles with you.

NGs are FUN 8/10

2010-07-07T03:03:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

The joy of singing is to sing off-pitch, off-tempo, out of breath BUT still continue singing & laughing happily. Laughs!* Went kbox @ e!hub with Jp Kor from 8pm-11pm. The starting wasn't as happy as the ending. Because... ... ... I don't wish to say! Its my own negative emotions. So let me just put them aside. Anyway, towards the ending, I don't know what gave me the idea to sing Jie's song, "Xing Fu De Ju Li".. I was just like randomly asked Jp Kor, "Eh why not we sing Xing Fu De Ju Li tgt? I'm sure Jie will be very happy to know that you know how to sing her song..." So from there, we started singing! And you guess what I did? LAUGHS!****

I paused the song in KBOX & started playing the song Xing Fu De Ju Li's KARAOKE VERSION on my Iphone. Then I placed one of the microphone beside my Iphone's speaker so that the music will be louder. Then I used another mic to sing... I took my camera out as well as Jp Kor's Iphone to record our Xing Fu De Ju Li DUET. LAUGHS!!!*** Okay, we had super lots of NGs. As he is not that familiar with this song.. He says he like "TAO BI" better... So yeah... He made me laugh non-stop! I kept laughing & laughing till I didn't really realize my pitching and tempo. &&& because of the softness of the music, I can't really hear the song as well... That's part of the reason. Anyway, everything just went BOOMZZZ. HAHAH! But we had lots of fun singing that song together. So, THATS THE JOY OF SINGING I GUESS!

And, second thing that made me laughed was....... Kor bumped his head on to the door while walking out of the toilet.. LAUGHS!!!*** We were talking while walking out of the toilet... Then I don't know what we were talking about & he said something like "The blind leading the blind". And THE NEXT MOMENT, he bumped his head on to the wall. HAHAHA! It was damn hilarious I swear! I told him that little bump is worth it because he made me laugh. HAHA! And he agreed! So nice of him! (= Thanks Kor for making me laugh so much today. (=

Now, I can't wait for Jie to wake up & see those videos of me & Jp Kor. Seriously, DAMN HILARIOUS! Till now I can't stop laughing. You know, its really weird! The first time I hear Xing Fu De Ju Li, my eyes actually went teary... But after this kbox session, I was still on the verge to cry... to LAUGH till CRY! LAUGHS!!*** I hope I never spoil Jie's song. HAHA! Cos its like, kinda sang badly by me... But anyway, hope she feels happy after watching the videos. Because, my main purpose is to sing for her & make her smile... My main purpose is to tell her that, her songs are great. And now, my friend is already influenced by me. He loves her song... He even knows how to sing it...!!!

So, Jie, isn't it a very good start? Don't give up ok? (=

:( 8/10

2010-07-06T01:31:00.001+08:00

Dear Diary,
Have I not done my best yet? I'm laughing to myself now. I feel so stupid. After almost 3 years, I still can't figure my way out of this "darkness". My angels are trying to help me get out but no matter how hard I try to keep running/walking/crawling towards them, I'll still end up stuck in this "circle". No matter how hard I try, I will STILL end up in the same spot as where I first got started. It feels like a never ending cycle...

When I look at the person in the mirror, I laughed at her. I scolded her for being so stupid, so timid... What a coward always with a stupid depressed face! But It seemed like she got no backbone. She smiled back at me instead of proving me wrong that she isn't stupid, she isn't a coward. Then I saw her teary eyes... I was curious because she seemed like a girl with a happy face. So I asked what is the reason that made her cry. She stood there. Now, with tears, she smiled at me. Then I began to wonder, What is wrong with this girl? Since she is a very fortunate girl with perfect hands n legs...

Laughs*. I'm not sure if anyone is just like me. Sometimes the moment I walked in to the toilet to shower, when I saw my reflection in the mirror, I would just unknowingly paused infront of it & stood there with my clean clothes on my hand. I'll just basically stand there like a moron then the next thing I'll do is to angrily dump my clothes on the floor & start crying. I don't even dare to see myself in the mirror because I'm scared of myself... How stupid.

Right now, I'm still laughing at myself for being so useless. Do you know how it feels like? When everyone around you says they understand but actually they don't. I may seemed like a spoilt and pampered child. I may seemed like a weak person who gives up easily. I may seemed like a super negative person left with no more positive. But its not like that. I may be pampered by my parents but that does not mean I'm spoilt by them. I may seemed like a weak person who always say "I give up", but that does not mean that in my heart I've given up. I may be negative at frequent times when I talk, but that does not mean that I think the same in my heart.

I hate being called spoilt. I hate being pampered. I want to be loved, I want to be doted. My loved ones love me, they didn't spoil me. I am very clear minded when comes to this, because I will never allowed myself to be spoilt by their love. I hate taking things for granted. I hate mistaking their love for reliance. Please tell me that, You love me for being Alycia. You dote on me for being Alycia. You don't give up on me because Alycia's depression is a hindrance. Pls don't hate Alycia just because you hate Depression. Please... Don't... ):

My dreams seemed to be shattered. Just because I've too much fears. And these fears are linked to my dreams. I seemed to have no way out. Once again, I'm lost in direction...

First visit to Jing Si Tang (=

2010-07-05T01:15:00.001+08:00

Dear Diary,

My visit to the Jing Si Tang (Temple) was a very relaxing feeling compared to my used-to-be frequent visit to a church. But the funny thing is that, I tend to love Angels, Fairies, Precious Thots.. which are all related to christianity. Laughs* Sometimes Life is like that, "Contradicting!" Anyway, I'm not really "into" religions because I believe, everything lies in one's heart... Isn't it. (=

Just now in the afternoon, I went Jing Si Tang with my Mum & Aunty because we wanted to be the social worker there. And in order to be part of this "social work", we need to attend this "course" first. So yeah, that makes me there. Its kinda weird that I'm like the only teenager over there... Most of them are like more to middle aged/old aunties & uncles... Anyway, it is a pretty nice place, very relax... Then, "Gan En" seemed to be the common word over there. Haha. They'll like Gan En here & there... I find them so cute. Haha. (=

Hmm... I don't know what to add on anymore. About my vocal lesson... I'm still like kind of having some obstacles... Hmm... I don't wish to say it here as I.. still need some time to think about it... I'm gonna see Dr Sung soon.. So I think I should stop here for now.

Good Night.

Rainbow Day 8/10

2010-07-04T01:30:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

My very first vocal lesson was... nervous-cum-cool~ My dear parents brought me there! Lucky they brought me there otherwise I think I would get lost in the rain. Haha. Thanks parents! Haha! Sounds weird. Hehe. I told them the next time I can go there by myself because I wanna be independant but they don't allow... :( Anyway, before that we had dinner at this nearby kopitiam.. Wow, this belachan fish is damn delicious! Heavenly to the max ah! But I didn't eat much of the belachan(too spicy for me) & the crispy part.. Omg. Because I wanna look after my throat. HAHA! I seriously scared my throat pain then cannot sing lor. You know, I one day don't open my mouth to sing can die one. Hehe. And the weather is super crazy nowadays.. Hot then Cold then Hot then Cold.. The weather also got depression izit?! Haiyo!!!

Okay then back to the vocal lesson. While waiting for my turn as there was another student before me.. My parents & I started talking to Jie... Eh wait, I think Jie is the one who started talking to them. Haha! Anyway, I feel so happy seeing them talking & laughing.. so at least next time when I go out with Jie, she will then put her heart at ease. (= Which is, GOOD! Giggles*

You know, I was superb nervous while waiting for my turn. I was actually hoping for him to teach the previous student longer so that I don't have to go in. BUT at the same time, I'm curious of how is he gonna teach me singing. So its like, I WANT to go but I DONT WANT to go~ HAHA! IF you get what I'm trying to say... Haha. Anyway, the lesson was okay... He is a nice guy.... Always with a shy smile on his face... (= He is encouraging & patient as well. Although I'm still very nervous for the next lesson, but, I think, my love towards singing should be strong enough to help me overcome all the negativity. (= "I can do it."

I'm gonna start practicing this song from Cai Chun Jia called, "Pei Wo Kan Ri Chu"... (= All the best to myself. Haha. As you know, I'm quite a slow learner.. =(

Alright, that's all.

Later I gotta wake up at 12.30pm for a training at this temple for some social work thingy together with my mum & aunty. Yeap! So, good night for now!

Blessed 10/10

2010-07-01T02:51:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

I feel blessed. I aim to wake up early to help out at my ah yi's tution centre.. I hope I can wake up! & I hope my eyes won't be swollen.. All the best for me k(:

Oh no, I'm very tired already. Shall continue tomorrow! :)

I love my Jie(s), Angel Q & Angel J.. <3

Good Night!

Shifting House? Yes? No?

2010-06-29T02:03:00.001+08:00

Dear Diary,

I might be shifting house if mum manages to find a suitable one.. This has been under consideration for quite some time ever since Jess Ah Yi suggested somewhere last year. My parents were fine with it but I insisted that even if we were to shift, I'd preferred the East side so that its more convenient for me to look up for my friends & my other loved ones. As I'm not a person who adapts to a new environment easily, I dislike such "changes". But just now, when Jess Ah Yi talked about it again, I was kinda in a dilemma.

She stated some of the advantages of shifting near her:
-First, It may do me good for a change of environment.
-Second, My mum will then have something to do which is to help at her newly opened tution centre.
-Third, We can take care of one another.
-Fourth, By selling this house & getting a smaller house in the West, we'll have some $$$ then I can learn singing. From there, Ah Yi also can help me.
-Fifth, I need not worry about transportation because Ah Yi said there's straight bus to Town area and she'll guide me to the place I wanna go.

For these 2+ years, I realized that every time when I feel down, the last place I would wanna go is, My own House. And its not that I don't like my house.. Its just that, deep in my heart, I feel, this Home is no longer the "sweet home" like before. This current house that I'm living is in fact my First House since young. & its also the first ever house that my parents bought. I'll only get to feel the "home sweet home" feeling when I'm outside feeling extremely tired. Other than that, seriously, I can no longer find the sweetness at home...

Throughout these years, "Tragedies" happened. Though its considered as a minor problem compared to others who experienced life & death.. To me, its still very much of a "Tragedy". A seemed to be cosy home.. But there beneath this comfortable atmosphere,I live with so much insecurity & fears...
I don't know why is it like that...

Looking back at the past 2 years, I did many foolish acts that hurts myself physically but ended up with more hurts mentally. In my house, in my room, every now and then, I have flashbacks of seeing myself holding on to scissors or penknive slashing my own hand. Whenever I see the stains of blood, I felt that it serve me right & I truly deserve it. I used to think that I should deserve more blood because I'm such a failure. I failed as a student, failed as a daughter, failed as a friend, failed..as a human being... failed.. as Alycia...

Although I still feel that I've failed from all of the above, but, I realized how silly I was in the past. Now that I've already carved this scar on my arm that will remain with me forever, I really regretted how stupid I am before. To think that by hurting myself will make me feel better... Yes, perhaps it did made me feel better after punishing myself. But so what? This cycle will just go on & on and nothing change. Frankly speaking, recently, I still do have suicidal thoughts & the urge to slash myself again.. But this time, before I even reach out for that scissors, I paused & start asking myself.. So what if I do that? Am I really tryin' to hurt myself OR am I actually tryin' to hurt my loved ones? In the end, I controlled myself & soon gave up that thought.

Perhaps, its really time for a change. Be it the change of environment or the change of Myself... I'm 18, no longer that 15 years old girl... Time is runnin' out. By now, I should be already on my way towards my dream... But...

IF I really were to shift to the West, I guess, my first greatest regret is, to part with my childhood best friend till now as close as sisters, Cammie Goh... We live just a few blocks away from one another since primary 5.. So its like, 7 years already... & my second regret would be, to feel even faraway from my GanMummy & God sisters... & of course, my jie, Weiqian... & my other friends... But should be alright lah hor, since, singapore also not very big. Laughs* So silly of me to say till like as if we're REALLY gonna part.. Hahas.

Alright,
I guess,
Since Singing is my Passion,
I'll just, go for it...

Good Night.

Utterly disappointed 9/10

2010-06-27T18:08:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

I just had an argument with my mum. Regarding my "Relationships"... I'm referring to all kinds of relationships. As you know, its just recently that I got to know about my jie. Okay~ I mean "Chen WeiQian"...... & its also just recently that my "bf" & I decided to end our relationship as I guess its just purely because, we both don't see any good endings.

Yes I know my relationship with my boyfriend always don't last. & I know that the problem lies in me. I've already admit that it is MY fault, but things happened, already happened. I regretted a lot about my rash decision into a relationship & that its partly my fault for most the break-ups. About my recent relationship with him, I was really sad & didn't expect such an ending to happen. He said, he don't hate me but he hate my depression. But I too, hate my depression a lot. I'm trying really hard to overcome it. I just need time. I feel sorry for him because its not that I don't love him. Its the "Devil" in me that makes my mind so unsure about all these commitments.

Throughout the 2-3 months together with him, I enjoyed a lot. He is a very thoughtful & attentive boyfriend but on the other hand, I'm an utterly failed girlfriend. Seriously, I've got no idea what should I do to make him feel loved & secured. If you know me well enough, you should know that I'm a very conservative person. But from my Facebook, I guess, people might see a different me because I posted intimate pictures with my "boyfriend". I JUST got reprimanded by my mum... She said in chinese that I don't have to "xuan yao" those pictures. I was damn pissed off when I heard that. Is her daughter really sucha bitch? To show off her kissing pictures with her bf?! Now I feel so stupid. I thought by doing so, my boyfriend will feel secure that I will never run away from him since sucha conservative girl like me have the courage to post up intimate pictures. I thought he might feel even loved & cherished by me this way... But a few days back, because of some stuffs, we had an argument.. And today, I got the "humiliation" from my mum & aunty.

So I answered my mum, "I'm not the Alycia in the past anymore!". Though I don't mean it that way but I'm just simply heartbroken by her words. Maybe my love towards my boyfriend is wrong. But as a mum, you should understand your daughter well, isn't it? Why the hell would she wanna SHOW OFF?! Would she even gain anything from there?! NO RIGHT?!! Mum don't understand, boyfriend also don't understand. I feel so stupid doing all these, yeah, I'm just SO STUPID.

Then next was, WeiQian. Because of my persistent character, & in chinese whatever they called it, "执着", because of this, I'm again being told off. Okay, not exactly being told off, but instead, pin pointed about my weaknesses in these area. My relatives are curious about how I get to know about Weiqian & why am I so closed to her... Because of what they saw on Facebook, the things that I've done & wrote about her... They felt that I'm "too close" to her. My mum said by doing this, people who loves me will get hurt by unknowingly because I'm treating a lady whom I just got to know SO WELL that I might tend to neglect how others feel. I got what she mean. But, I feel, I'm not in the wrong. Why?

To treat a person well doesn't mean you gotta know him/her for months/years, its the heart that matters. I listen to my own heart. My heart helps me to reach out to others; the way they feel, the way they are... Yes indeed, I only just gotta know Weiqian recently. And my heart tells me she is a nice person with a very loving heart. She's giving me chances & hopes to move on in Life, she also occupies a big part of motivation that keeps me going. Thus, I'm willing to give my best to whatever she needs me to help. Am I wrong? On the other hand, I still do love others who loves me. I did not do anything that let them down, isn't it? I'm trying hard to overcome my fears with the support Weiqian gives me as well as the moral support from my other loved ones. Then, tell me, why am I wrong again?

I'm just born with such a heart, such a character, such a personality.. Why do you people always wanna change me? Those obsessively stubborn weaknesses of mine that I believe I should change, I will. But the heart that I got, the heart that allows me to doubt less & love more, I don't wanna change. I feel, I should not change. Even if you think its naive, its stupid to give in my trust to people so easily, I feel, that's the genuine heart that belongs to Me. I see no point to change it. If you're worried that I might get duped, then, I think, you're just worrying nothing. Because, once I give my heart, I'll bear with all the consequences. And even if I got duped in the end, I won't blame anyone for it, because, I'm just following my heart. I'm just doing what my heart tells me to do. As for WeiQian, even if you think that I'm giving in too much to her despite knowing her for less than 2 months, I'll still do it. If I'm leaving her just because of some comments that you gave, I know, I'll utterly regret.

GanMummy, I know you'll support me. You know what I want, you allow me to make my own choice. I'll do my best & make sure I'll not let you down since you believe in me so much...

Negative 8/10

2010-06-24T01:23:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

My first visit to see my new psychologist called, Ms Teo, wasn't as good as I thought. I expect myself to be able to share with her at least a little tiny winy bit of stuffs of the fears that I'm facing but I failed, utterly. The way she speaks, somehow sounded like Ms Joyce. Well, perhaps all psychologist speaks the same~ I miss Ms Joyce. I miss her gentle voice, I miss the way she understands me, I miss the way she reads my heart like a book. I really really miss her...

Emotions are really hard to handle. These few days, I've been....... *speechless* Yeah, I've got no words to describe my feelings. Or should I say, I've got too many negatives descriptions which I think I should just keep my mouth shut.

I've got no idea why I became like that. I get frustrated when I know that I'm still here, in the same spot I fell 3 years back. Time is runnin' yet I keep pausing & stopping. In such a pace, I'll never be able to get to my goals. Is this what I really want? No... I don't want it to be like that. I really don't want...

I've got nothing to say now. I..I just wanna do my best in helping jie & slowly continue crawling towards my singing passion.. Hah. All the best to me. I hope.

Good Night.

Tryin to smile 7/10

2010-06-23T01:07:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

Soon, I'll be meeting my new psychologist @ CGH. Kinda nervous.. &, somehow, don't really look forward to see her cause I doubt that she can help me. But Jie told me to go try first so.. I shall just go try for once. Sigh* I seriously don't wanna take anymore medicine.. I believe I don't even need them to help me control my emotions. All I need is my beloved ones, that's already the best medicine for me. But mummy just doesn't allow me to stop medication. Duh.

Singing is also a good medicine for me, but.. yeah, to some extend... if it could be part of my career, it would be really great... Of course, every small or big dreams starts off with little baby steps... & I'm like, still lost in those baby steps... Don't know which baby steps should I step first... Hahs. If you get what I mean~

Anyway, I went out with Jp kor today to Marina Sq. Bought a shoe then went kbox since its only $8! (: & what's more happy about is, he said I've changed a lot & my singing improved! Hahas. Its really something to be happy about... Singing improved.. Hmm.... Haha. Maybe...? But still, gotta try improve further! I was singing "Yu Shang Ai", trying to not look at the screen.. And what the hell shit, I sang wrong... -.- Okay, it just means I need more practicing.. So just now, I close my song lyric & sang without music on my own, using my iphone to record.. I re-listened &.. what the hell shit again... It supposed to be "等一份情走进下个现在". I sang, "问一问情走进下个现在". HAHAHA!

What a joke man! I was like, keeping giggling to myself. Haha. Now I know how hard is it to become a singer & I know, there're more to it... But I'm not afraid... For the current situation I'm in now, this is rather a big challenge.. To memorise lyrics... It has been so many years back since I last use my brain to memorise stuffs. So I need time... more time than anyone can ever need... Haha. Rubbish. I just need more time!!! I believe I can do it!!! Though those chinese words are a huge headache... giggles***

Oh my, I'm looking forward to Saturday. Hey guys, do drop by at City Sq Mall from 5-8pm.. Cause I'll be there~~~ Selling Chen WeiQian's song albums...!!! Please come if you're free to support such a wonderful Angel... Hehe. It will be like a rather big step for me if I really made it that day.. So, do come & help me jiayou if possible... Hehe. (:

&&&, I've got some ticks in my notebook already.. Jie.... your method works leh. I'm kinda enjoying ticking in my pink notebook. Heheh. & every ticks remind me of you cause you're the one who ask me to tick tick tick... Haha(=

No matter how negative I am, from now onwards, I gotta try really hard not to spread it to the ones around me... I have to try... It really hurts me to see my loved ones getting depressed & negative all because of my negative influence to them... Really hurts me a lot... ):

Postiveeeeeee

2010-06-21T23:43:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

A peaceful mind is all I need now... I just don't understand why I can't be just a little tiny winy bit more positive, just a little tiny winy bit more calm & steady. I just simply don't understand why~ My stupid mind is like running & running non-stop yet my heart is like.. dying... But I know, I can't let it die. So, I'm like so, "ARGH!!!"

Argh! Not gonna think about it anymore.. C'mon Alycia... Focus on memorising your song lyrics................................. Look forward to Saturday......... You can do it.... Just say, "I CAN DO IT!!!"

Tryin hard 8/10

2010-06-20T18:41:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

It's Fathers' Day & I'm here...home alone without my Daddy because I woke up late today & my family already left house to Jess Ah Yi's place at Bt. Panjang. But no worries, I've got a gift for my dad so wait till he comes home & yeah, will give it to him.. (:

I was supposed to meet one of my "customer" who bought the song album from me but he didn't manage to turn up today. :( But it's okay, lucky I waited for his sms before I leave the house otherwise I think I'll be making a wasted trip. Hmm... Baby came to my house just now for a little while before he left to his cousin's place.. Then I went cycling to PRP alone.. Not being an emo nemo but yeah.. just wanna have some alone time to sort out those negative thoughts. I really hope to bring in more positive thoughts but.. it's kinda big challenge for me... I don't know why. ):

Oh yeah, & I finally tidied my table.. Out of sudden, I can't stand my messy table because it makes my messy mind messier! Oh dear. & a cleanliness person like me, I actually tried to ignore the mess in my room as I was too frustrated about the mess in my head thus I'm super can't be bothered to tidy up anything for the past few weeks. Anyway, I'm glad that it's neat now! Alycia, you gotta wake up!!!

With a messy mind, I'm tryin' to memorise songs lyrics, tryin' to accomplish the tasks that Jie gave me & also tryin' to get myself back to face reality. People has been tellin' me not to run away anymore. & I myself has been repeating that to myself for like more than a million times! But, failed... So no point saying, I know.

Yesterday I've printed out some song lyrics at Baby's house & from today onwards, I'm gonna be a good girl to sleep early & focus on the missions given by Jie. Besides these missions, I'm not gonna think about anything that are not related to it. I can do it... I believe I can...

Alycia, you have to stay strong. Even if not for yourself, but for the people who loves you...

Perseverance 7/10

2010-06-20T04:00:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

My eyes are closing... But I've lots of things runnin' thru my mind... I just caught "The Karate Kid" with baby & his younger sis, Lixian. & I feel it's as good as compared to IP MAN. But "The Karate Kid" left me a greater influence. It somehow allows me to reflect a lot on myself & makes me wanna learn from it. The little boy called Dre & Jacky Chan, his master who taught him KungFu.. These 2 characters reminds me of the current situation I'm in now. It's really the baby steps that will lead to success.

That's the only key to success... Seemed like I've belittled those small things thus I'm still hanging in between.. Seemed like I've to learn to trust & believe more in myself as well as the loved ones around me...

Have I really sort out all my thoughts? I feel, I've already seen the whole picture & that I understands it all. But, have I really manage to "let go" & "move on"? Have I really found that Determination? Have I really sort it all out & be brave to just go for anything that I wish to do? Am I really enlightened after all that happened these days?

I feel, after I got drunk, knocked my head on the toilet's floor, hangover &.. got scolded by Jie.. My heart is finally open. My eyes are finally open to face the person in the mirror. But I've got no idea if this will last... Look, I'm doubting myself again... Somebody pls slap me... Argh! I have to have faith in myself!!! Since I'm willing to take the step, I shall not look back... Just now, at NTUC, I walked passed this alcohol section.. I told baby that I hate it a lot now. I'm never gonna touch that ever again because.. it nearly cause me to lose someone who cares for me... I'm really afraid. ):

Alright, I shall not think too much or else I'm gonna explode again. I've so many tasks now, to deliver albums & tutor my cousins & memorise song lyrics &...... practice singing &... get prepared for the long run against cancer.. &... plan more things ahead for myself to get busy so that I'll be occupied & not think so much. That's it! Alycia has got lots of stuffs to do now so .. no reasons for her to feel empty! RIGHT?! YES! Gonna get up on my feet, look at the person in the mirror, face her no matter how ugly she is & make sure the next time you see her, you'll see a vibrant face with confident to start a new day.. Yes! That's it!

Good Night!

Blessed 9/10

2010-06-19T01:21:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

What a day! I've never felt like this before~ So tired, weakkkkk. I should be asleep by now but, I've got too many things to share. And if I don't say it out now, I'm afraid, I'll forget by the time I wake up tomorrow..

Many things happened lately... I just had my first hangover the day before. I just managed to think more positively but then fell down again just now. Because of my own negative thoughts led to a stubborn Alycia becoming MORE stubborn thus got a little scolding from Jie..

I was drowning myself away from sorrows @ Timbre with Uncle Ryan until I got super drunk & was sent back to my GanMummy's place by taxi just the previous night. I can't remember vividly about what happened but I think I was blabbering a lot of nonsense.. Oh well. These "unconscious" feeling makes me escape from all the facts & reality that I've got to face. Thus, I really love such a hangover & yearns for more. I guess, this is how "addiction" takes place. But no, I'm not gonna allow this to happen, never ever.

The next morning I woke up, I headed to Katong with Bb. We went to Parkway for lunch then headed to Chinatown to catch Jie's performance @ Smith St. In between this, something happened... &.. I got a deservingly scoldings from Jie. Blame on my negatives, my stubbornness, my whatever weaknesses... I don't know what the hell went thru my mind. I was so negative, I was so insecured. In my mind, all I wanna do is, to be alone. Home to me is a cosy place to rest when I'm tired. But, after the 2-3 years of cooping myself in a room surrounded with those 4 walls.. after all these nightmare years... Staying at home sometimes gives me flashbacks of those bad happenings that happened at home or in my room... That's the reason why, whenever I'm feeling down, the first place in my mind that I would like to go is never, my Home.. Instead, I would like to go to my other loved ones' house..

I was on the verge to cry when Jie was harsh to me for the first time since we met. But I didn't hate or dislike her at all, instead, my heart was filled with tears as I was touched by her scoldings. For I understand that behind the bitterness, there are actually lots of sweetness. I know the reason behind her harsh attitude towards me. She was concerned thus she got so worked up. She cares for me, a lot... I didn't dare to look into her eyes when she asked me to.. I don't want her to see me cry... She rushed off for her performance while Bb & I followed her from behind. It was my first time seeing her perform on stage, I'm very proud to have a sister who loves singing like I do. She even dedicated a song for me called, "Xi Huan Ni"... I was surprised & kinda relieved to know that she still loves me...

After that, Bb & I went to Marina Sq to get my notebook. Smiles* This is my first step as suggested by Jie. Now, I've like... 3 songs to practice... Get as many ticks as possible on my notebook & teach Bb his singing & Yao Zi! But if the next time we meet up with Jie & Bb still having problem with yao zi, note that, it has got nothing to do with me because perhaps he is just plain stupid. HAHA! Just kiddin'! No offence! Heheh. As long as it's an assignment given by Jie, I will do my best of the best. Good luck to me! (Y)

Now that I've not slept for a night despite having a hangover... Right now... I'm feeling damn uncomfortable... Damn tired... Damn headache... Damn... Serve me right for getting drunk! What's done cannot be undone. & I seldom regret what I've already did before. So, it's just another experience for me which I'm glad I've went thru it. A new experience means a new colour that's added in my life. Splendid! So today's achievement are,
I experienced my first hangover, I got my first scolding from Jie & finally I got my notebook ready for challenges! ;)

Jie talked to me & Bb the other day @ this dim sum restaurant beside Katong Mall.. She shared with us about her experience & her heartfelt words... I was somehow enlightened by what she has said... Then the next afternoon I woke up, I mumbled this sentence to myself while folding my blanket, "Alycia in the past might not be the same as Alycia in the present. Every day is a new start... ... ..." I kept repeating this sentence in my head just because I recalled what Jie said,
To forget all about the fears & happenings that I experienced 2-3years back, and start asking myself what am I really afraid of NOW that's obstructing me to move on...

Smiles*
Baby steps will lead to success.
Alright, I'll heed Jie's advices as well as Bb & my other loved ones, to take these baby steps towards success... I have to be patient & to persevere... I have to...

From these days,
I feel glad that I've found a really nice Angel who becomes my Jie.
I feel glad that my Mei cares for me just as much.
I feel glad that my God Sisters were there for me when I got drunk.
I feel glad that my GanMummy was there for me to give me security when I was feeling empty.
I feel glad that my BoyFriend never leave me despite my weaknesses.
I feel glad that my Parents still care & love me the same despite knowing that I got myself drunk.

I love all of them just as much as my kins. Though no blood ties but to me, they are still & always worth my love & sacrifice. (=

Good Night!

Blessed 9/10

2010-06-14T01:46:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

What have I been doing these days? I... I think I'm tryin' hard to do the best in what's infront of me now.. Though it's not easy, but, I believe that I have to believe that I will get to somewhere one day as long as I work hard & not think too much.

That day(11 June) when I met WeiQian at Teoheng... I was very excited, very nervous. But I felt so happy that I've made another big step; To sing infront of her. I like her dress in white, it made her looks so angel-like. Personally, I like white too! Because, it represents purity, elegance, angelic... She commented me on my singing, which I feel extremely happy about it. She says, I can sing but lack of that confidence. Smiles* I always doubt myself but her words gave me a little more confident towards singing. (:

After singing, we cabbed down to Orchard Cineleisure to support her friends who're performing at this Street Festival thingy.. She introduced them to me & we even went for supper together.. They are all interesting people who managed to make me laugh non-stop. Till now, whenever I think about them, I'll start giggling to myself. Haha!

This very first day that I've spent with her, I feel, I've really met another angel. She is a very caring & attentive person. She knows that my throat don't feel well thus she went to 7 eleven to get me a bottle of starfruit drink.. She also got Baby a bottle of lemon tea. How thoughtful of her. She treat us for supper, look after us & never make us feel left out... She even gave me her album & wrote a little message inside.. Who am I, what am I to deserve all these kind treatments...? I feel, I don't deserve.

She is so nice to me that I got the urge to give her a hug & call her my sister. Now that I've an older sister as well as younger sisters, I feel really blessed. I'm meeting her again on Wednesday night, I hope by then I'll help her sell as many albums as possible. I'd really like to thank her for giving me hopes, for casting a Rainbow for me after several stormy weathers. Now that she's treating me super well, I'm afraid, if one day she leave me, I'll be lost in directions once again. But I know that, since I choose to follow her, I should believe in her, trust her that she will lead me well... (: I will also give my best to her & make some achievements to repay her kindness... Thanks Jie(:

I gotta have more faith in her as well as myself...

Good night(:

Happy 8/10

2010-06-08T01:21:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

Right now, I'm too happy to blog about anything. Laughs* I got no idea where to start either. Laughs* Oh dear, there're way too many things to update on. Hmm, where should I start...

Okay! Start from.. erm.. that day(I forgot which day) I went to see Dr Cheryl, my new psychiatrist at CGH. She's a very sweet lady with all smiles on her face. Smiles* But, I can't seem to talk to her, don't feel like talking either. Maybe.. I'm not used to her yet. Give me some time, I believe I'll be more opened up..

On the same day, after seeing Dr Cheryl, I went to baby's house for dinner. His mum cooked for us &.. we had dinner together like a family... Oh my. I was frickinn' shy! His dad was there also & it was like... so... o-m-g. Mind me, it's my first ever time having dinner in one table with my boyfriend's family. Laughs* But overall, it was okay for me. Hehee.

Next up! I remember talking about Chen WeiQian in my previous post. At that time, I was just not very close to her. But now, ironically, we're like such good friends! Laughs* I've never thought I could have such friend to come by. The main purpose of my email to her is just to get some advices from her. I thought that's the end of our affinity. Who knows... She didn't forget me, instead, she came to talk to me on Facebook!

She shows her care & concern towards me & gives me hopes that I will recover & that she promised to guide me along. She offers to have a ktv session with me so that she can listen to my singing skills. Erm, I mean, singing.. I doubt I have any skills. Laughs!*

Then for the following days, she continued staying contact with me.. text me, left message on my FB, talk to me on msn... Smiles* I was very touched by her love & concern to a "stranger" like me.. & what's more, a "stranger" that consists of nothing but anxiety & depression..

She knows that I don't have any aim in life. Thus, she gave me something to look forward to. She told me to practise 2 songs & sing for her when we go KTV next month. Then, I told her, after that KTV session, I won't have any aim & I'll be back to the same, isn't it..? & she answered me very sincerely that she will continue giving me assignments to do, she promised to give me "aims" to look forward to until I'm finally recovered... I asked her again & again if she really meant her words. & she said, Yes, she promised.

For now, I'm helping her sell her EP at $8. For every album I sell, I'll get a commission of $1. It's not about the money... I told her I'm willing to help her sell but I don't mind the commission. She insist that if I don't take the commission, she won't let me sell her album. Laughs* So yeah, I'm tryin' hard to help her sell as many as possible. She is a nice person.. So I feel, it's definitely worth the buy. Smiles*

I'm really sooo glad to have her as my friend. I'm really so thankful that God has sent me another wonderful Angel... Among all my friends, I guess, she is the oldest.. Laughs* 18 years old young lady is good friends with 32 years old lady... So is it the 18 years old lady with an OLD HEART or could it be the 32 years old lady with a YOUNG HEART? Laughs!* All I know is, friends of different ages are still FRIENDS that everyone should cherish. (=

Good Night!

Stressed. Depressed. 9/10

2010-06-01T02:01:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

Right now, I'm feeling really nauseous. I don't know why recently I've been feeling like that. Dizzy spells as well. All the bad bad things are haunting me. Why? Thinking about all that unfulfilled DREAMS & things that I've yet to overcome makes me feel like puking. I don't know why, just the thought of it makes me wanna vomit!

Though verbally I say I'm givin' up, but in the end... Hah. I like to sing but I feel my singing sucks. & what's worst, I can't even pursue it just because of the obstacles I'm facing now. Then I tell myself, since I can't do anything, I should just give up singing. I tried to keep my mouth shut & not sing for a day. But, unknowingly, I started humming the melodies. Then I slapped my mouth & told myself to shut up and NOT TO sing anymore! But the next moment, I started singing again... ...

In my mind, I say, Alycia, you should just stop believing. Dreams are just dreams, not Reality! But my heart is always very stubborn. It tells me, No Alycia! Dreams are meant to achieve! Then, unknowingly, my hands will lead me to researching about my favourite singing & print models. Only these 2 can make others see that Alycia ever existed. Only after I managed to win these careers, I will then be able to let myself shine. IF I'm able to shine, my loved ones will also be able to shine together with me. By this time, they will feel proud to have me in their life. & that marks the end of my darkness.. Because, I'm shining together with the people I love... I made them proud, I bring them glory...

Just now, I emailed to Chen Weiqian & Tay Kewei. Both of them are singaporeans whom just released their first ever EPs. I asked them for some tips & advices regarding singing. My all time favourite; singing. Both of them inspires me a lot, a lot. Just like any other ordinary people yet they can do extraordinary things that allows themselves to shine like a star & make a considerably big success in their favourite singing career.

It's really not easy to be like them. & I also know that I have to work ultra hard to reach to my goals. I'm ready to work ultra hard. But, before that, this huge psychological barrier is obstructing me... Any idea how miserable I feel every single day...? Till now, I feel nauseous, dizzy... I'm so stressed up, I feel like I'm going crazy. I feel soooo stressed up that it makes me wanna puke... )):

What should I do...

Troubled. 9/10

2010-05-30T03:38:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

I really like singing. Photography. Print modelling. Being my own boss. Counselling. There seemed to be so many things that I'm keen to learn. But because of the lack of confident & courage, I can't pursue them yet. It's frustrating to be trapped in your own heart. I hate those baby steps but I know that I still have to face them before I reach bigger steps towards my dream..

It's really torturous when all you can do is "witness" people around you suffering instead of "lending them a hand" to share their burdens. I feel so miserable to be such a coward. Helping others is an act of kindness, then why would I still feel so scared for doing a good deed... Sometimes, I too, don't understand myself. ):

Sis confided in me just now. I'm kinda shocked about the way I replied her. No one is a burden to anyone except for their own self. I got no idea how this sentence actually comes out from me. All of a sudden, I seemed to become a totally new Alycia. Which is of course,a good thing. All the positives start cumin' to me & as I encourage Sis, at the same time, I'm like also encouraging myself. Laughs*

But right now, I'm still kinda in a mess. I don't know what should I do, where should I go, where should I start... I'm totally lost. Create Talents. I don't know why, I still can't seem to get over it. Then now, a new opportunity is up for me. Learn vocal recording in a music studio. Any idea how much I yearn to grab any opportunity that knocks on my door... But because I can't rush things, I have to hold back. Even if I really wanna grab that chance, I gotta think like thrice. Otherwise, it might just backfires.

I feel like time is runnin' out. I need to get somewhere.. At least somewhere... I'm now at nowhere.. I really really wanna get to somewhere.. Somewhere people can see me... Somewhere that I belong... ):

Sad 8/10

2010-05-26T02:22:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

IF ONLY you can talk to me... Duh.

Monday.. Tuesday.. Wednesday.. Thursday.. Friday.. Saturday.. Sunday.. Monday.. Tuesday.. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. Jan.. Feb.. Mar.. Apr.. June.. July.. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. Dec.. .. .. Recurring. Again & again. Repeated patterns. Never ending. Of course, it will never end. Even if you end your life Time will still pass, the Earth will still revolve. But the torturous part is that when miseries conquer almost one whole of your heart, every single min or even secs will act like a needle that pricks you hard into your flesh! Even before the wounds are healed, it pricks you again & again & again... It turns numb after all these recurring nightmares.. Blood streaming down your hands, almost dried up.. yet no one came to your aid. Slowly, when too much blood is loss, you decided that, it is time to say goodbye & leave everything up to God.

Life isn't all about working hard to reach to the peak. It isn't about persevering that keeps you going... So what am I suppose to do? Take fixing a puzzle as an example.

A 500 pieces puzzle. I chose a dolphin one called, "Dolphin Symphony". It costs me about $100 inclusive of the frame & glue. Besides the puzzle that I used to fix during my "playgroup" times, I've never tried fixing any before. So this is considered my first time. I've never thought it could be such a challenge. Though I've heard that fixing a puzzle is not easy but I somehow wonder, how hard it could be. To kill time & to test out my patience, I decided to challenge myself.

I was filled with excitement when I unwrapped it. Immediately, I fixed the corners & borders. Just by finishing that, I felt a little sense of achievement. Its like.. really not as easy as how I remembered it to be when I did it in my kindergarten times. Laughs* & that is why just by fixing the borders I'll feel THAT little achievement &&& satisfaction! It makes me wanna go on & on, I don't even feel like stopping. But my neck got tired after a few minutes.. Then my lack of patience stops me from carrying on. At times, I really feel like giving up on it. Too many negatives in me that makes me feel that these dolphins are worthless. So what if I complete it?!

The dolphins are beautiful. But, the shattered bits & pieces aren't. To get to that beautiful dolphins portrait, I know that first I have to piece them back together. When my mind is in a mess, those pieces of puzzles irritates me more. But in the end, I managed to ease my mind with soothing music. Then I continued with it. Piecing them up one by one... Till I saw the eye of the dolphin..the body..the fins..the blue ocean.. Smiles* This enthusiasm keeps me going till I complete the very last piece. WHOO! I felt soo great!~ My patience & perseverance pays off. Now, I got a dolphin portrait that GLOWS in the dark.. Smiles* This is what I called, working hard, persevering, gaining experience, receiving achievement, feeling the great sense of satisfaction~! It makes me really really happy.

But... why isn't Life like this... ):

GanMummy, you said we're heart to heart. Then.. Can you read my heart? Have you read my heart?
Are you even with me...

Depressed 9/10

2010-05-21T02:02:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

I've been missing you a lot because I really lost the mood to blog. Oh whatever~ It's just getting rather stormy recently. Everything seemed like "Duh~" .. Why is this feeling back to me again? Or has it been always there just that I don't realize...

Is Life really all about overcoming all odds? I really tried my best to overcome all these odds. But I guess, I still failed. I know that it's my life & that it is all logical even if I say, "I strive hard for the sake of MY OWN future." I emphasized on "MY OWN". When majority of the people out there are thinking & planning out for "THEIR OWN" future, Alycia is in opposition to all that. Thus, she felt all alone. The only thing that keeps her breathing & persevering is, You.

Mummy, GanMummy,
You play the most important role in my life. Mummy protects me since that 9 months in her womb till now I'm 18. Mummy seemed like a strong person but inside her, I know that she's weak & unstable. Perhaps God knows that thus sent me another guardian angel to help me as well as Mummy. Mummy showered me with lots of unconditional love, GanMummy gives me a sense of protection. Without love & protection, I don't know where I should find my strength to survive. But God just makes a fool out of me. He allows me to be with my 2 guardian angels but whenever I cry for help, he doesn't allow them to hear me. It's just like, they are right infront of my eyes yet none hears my silent cries.

All along I've been tryin' to reach out to them, but, they just don't see me. Can anyone help me remove that spell so that they can hear me then..save me.. They are just like my oxygen, without the both of them, I'll be left alone suffocating...

Its not all about me having hyperventilation, you too play a part to provide me with oxygen... Please don't make me face all these myself. I know that in the end, it's still me to overcome all these odds. But for now, can you please stay by me.. be my strength, my hope, my direction... Otherwise, like what you say, "走火入魔".. If the Devil is taking me away, will you be there to save me? My Mummy..My GanMummy...

Alycia can't go on. She will be gone, if you don't hold on.

Things are pushing me to a dead end. Don't force me. Worse comes to worst, I shall defeat you in hell.

Depressed 8/10

2010-05-13T22:02:00.002+08:00

Dear Diary,

Seemed like you've missed quite a lot of stuffs since April. My very first post on the month of May.. I've got lots of things to say. But, I guess, I can only remember the most vivid one, which is, my 18th Birthday. I celebrated with my friends on the 1st May in advanced of the 6th. It was a great first time organising a birthday party for myself. & decorating the house with colorful balloons made me feel happy but sad at the same time. I felt like, I'm opening this party for the sake of "pleasing" myself.. Duh.

Put aside all that negative thoughts of mine, this advanced birthday was rather a beautiful one thanks to everyone who shared this day with me. A billion thanks(:

Just when I thought my actual birthday will be another usual day at home, Mum surprised me with a mini birthday dinner with my beloved GanMummy & the usual cliques of my god sisters(: But what's more special is that, GanDaddy was also present on that day which was kinda unexpected.. Thanks to all of you, my special kins... (:

Then "IP MAN 2" reminds me of the "IP MAN" I caught together with Sis quite a some time back. I feel like, in just split seconds, Year 2010 is gonna end soon. & again, I caught this movie IP MAN together with Sis. I like this closeness between us. Don't you think that it's sucha special affinity & that it will be soo great if we could continue till IP MAN 10 & so on...? Smiles* Alright, back to it. I watched this movie TWICE. Cool huh! Together with my Godparents, parents & the usual cliques of my god sisters~ I like this togethernesss... It makes me feel so happy to be surrounded by wonderful people... Smiles*

On this month of May, I'm sprinkled with lots of magical dust called "Happiness". This year, my condition is so much better than I could ever imagine. You can say that I belittled myself a lot thus my sentence "better than I could ever imagine" sounds a bit exaggerated. From the first decision I made, be it, to go for the interview or return back to Greenview Sec & so on... I believe that as long as I'm trying & not giving up, I will see some Hopes. From the quote I always believed that "Rainbow represents Hope" to the theme that I've set for my birthday party, "Colors". I want my friends, every one of them to fill their life with colors... From my usual black/white clothes to now I'm willing to change & accept all colors. Same goes to my life, I don't wish for it to be just black or white...

I understand that in Life, there are all these twists & turns that people have to face. So far, these "twists" that I've made for myself... I find that, I couldn't accept/adapt. At first, I can still feel myself moving to another step towards my recovery. But it slowly fades away. When I'm moving so slowly, why do I still feel so lack of energy? Why am I still gasping for oxygen? Why do I feel like my body is in perfect condition yet my soul is so..near.. to death?

Its not like I've not seen or experience any misfortunes before, why am I still so weak..? I've seen how misfortunes befall.. Be it to my family, friends or even strangers. But why am I still so weak?

At every littlest improvements I've eventually made, I'm actually awaiting for my loved ones to notice & reward me with a hug. A little love/little kiss/little hug from my mum, dad, ganMummy, god sisters, sis, bf... All along, what motivates me & gives me the strength to do things that I always feared is; the words of encouragements, the hugs, the smses, emails etc. All these send me nudges to move me to another step towards my success or even recovery.. All these little attention is all I yearned for to push me out of this darkness. But I guess, all my "supporters" had long gone already. Everytime when I yearned for all these little love&attention reminds me of Michelle GanMa. Years back, she used to give me all that. Its a very warmth feeling... But ever since she left my life, I've lost that kinda warmth I need...

Mummy asked me again, "What do you want me to do? How do you want me to help you? I have already done my best..." I always got lost when people ask me this. Because, its something that words cannot express. I've never tell Michelle GanMa about what she should do to help me or make me feel better. Instead, she just shows me that she knows it by heart. She would just drop by at my house to talk to me, bring me for a spin, message me every once in awhile asking me if I'm doing fine & stuffs like that. It's very heartwarming... She would just sit beside me on my bed, her arms around me shoulders.. Even if we got nothing to talk about, she would just embrace me in her arms & make me feel so secured.. I really miss her...

Now, where should I find that strength..? Everybody falls sometimes, but why do I seemed to fall everytime...?

):

Insecurity. Scared. Sad. Helpless. Hopeless. 9/10

2010-04-27T04:02:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

My head is spinning! Gosh~ It hurts...but not as much as my heart. Mummy told me that once Waigong is discharged from hospital, she's gonna stay with him at Hougang. Which means, I'm staying home alone, with my Dad who only comes home late at night. As for my meals, cup noodles, instant noodles? I-don't-know. I just know I'm plain useless. I don't know when will Mummy be back home if she really moves in to Waigong's place. Though it's just for the time being, I can't help but to feel that I'm losing her in this crucial moment of my recovery... ...

I know that I've been improving. But after all that happened recently, I feel that I'm falling back again. Every time when I'm about to fall, I tried really hard not to. At this crucial moment, I'm afraid... I'm afraid if I were to lose any one of the support from my loved ones, I might just fall back again. I feel like nobody's here with me anymore. I'm just over here alone, tryin' to pick up all the mess in my life that I've brought upon myself. BUT, I gotta highlight to you that, my life don't suck, I sucks my life. Got it?

I feel like I'm in a race. Each time I fall, there're "supporters" around cheering for me to get up & continue the race. That's the reason why I've the strength to pick myself up, encouraging myself that it doesn't matters if I win or lose. For the sake of my supporters, I'll complete this race. But now, because of my repeated failures, I feel that supporters leave me one by one. They are tired of my never-ending failures as I can never make it to the end of the race... I feel, I've let them down...

After about a month of persevering into positive thinkings & somehow improved quite a little bit, I'm again, in a scarily loneliness world in need of some guidance... But... All my guardians are basically on other missions & they're all not here for me... What should I do... ... Sometimes, the great sense of insecurity makes me feel like I'm a baby... A big baby I suppose. Hahs. A big baby who cries when she feels insecure...

Clara, my 17 years old cousin whom I've not met since many years back.. I talked to her on msn the other day till 3a.m in the morning. Though she's younger than me by a year, I looked up upon her as my role model. She's a sweet little girl with a very kind heart. Since young, she's an introvert & never talks much. Till now, despite her broken family, she's still as kind-hearted as before. Very sensible. Very thoughtful. Very lovely. After talking to her, I feel that, she somehow gave me the power to think positive. Thanks cousin. At the same time, she allows me to feel how weak I am... My heart aches for this lovely cousin of mine... I can't do anything to help but I will pray that everything will go smoothly for her... Though she's not likely to be able to read this, I'd still like to say to her, Girl, you're an Angel to me & God will definitely bless sucha lovely kind-hearted girl... Always love you(:

Sigh*

I can't wait for my next appointment with Dr Sung on the 3rd May. I'm in need of a confidant. I need some guidance... I don't wanna fall back anymore. Right now, my mind is filled with alchohol. It's silly to drown my sorrows by drinking, but I've already lost my mind. I'm hurting inside...internal bleeding... I feel like I'm getting weaker............. Any idea why I feel so miserable? Its like when I'm caught in between... If only I can just give everything up, I won't be so miserable. Now, the thing is, I don't wanna accept defeat. I don't wanna give up yet. But, situations & alllllll makes me see that there's no hope. & my own fking brain is not working positively which no matter how hard I try to shift it back to positive, in the end, it will still defy me. What the fuck is wrong with it! It's not like I didn't try! I tried! I did give my best!

Hey, I can just don't give a damn & rot my fucking life. How great to live an easy life like that. But because I want my life to be a meaningful one that will bring my loved ones glory, I-don't-wanna-give-up. & "fortunately"...so far, my don't-wanna-give-up attitude doesn't give me anything INSTEAD it plays me like I'm a fucking big fool. It just keep giving me hopes & dashing it the next moment! Yeah, Alycia IS a fool anyway. Isn't it.

When darkness looms, nothing blooms.
Then fear conquered, history reverts.

Good Night.

Tired 8/10

2010-04-23T04:01:00.002+08:00

Dear Diary,

First of all, I wanna say that, I'm really blessed. Sometimes I wonder, "Where is the love?".. Then I thought to myself again, "Am I worth so much love?" It's weird. I yearned for more love & affection but at the same time I feel I don't deserve all these kind treatments. Yesterday, Baby brought me heavenly "supper" all the way from Dover to Geylang then to my doorstep. I would do that for any of my loved ones but I've never expect anyone to ever do that to me besides my mum & dad. This "hassle" of travelling from Dover all the way to Geylang just to get me the famous beancurd... It really touches me. To me, it's a big thing. As in.. It's already more than what money can satisfy... Thanks Baby(=

I'm not a very expressive person, so eya.. I'm really not good in expressing myself in person.. I'm like.. always trying to keep my cool even when inside me I'm actually really really excited/happy/nervous/touched... Or whatever. Yeah, weird huh. If only I can learn to express more, I think, people will feel more warmth in me instead of those icy coldness that can be quite scary sometimes. Hahs. Maybe I should try working on it. It's always good to improve yourself though nobody's perfect. At the very least you can try to be closer to perfection than imperfections. Laughs* Isn't it?

Hmm... It's gettin' late now. I'm gettin' tired as well. I wish I could fall asleep easily just like any other. But, well, I'm just kinda different I guess... Sigh* Every night, negatives start whirling inside my head like a damn it washing machine. Thank God I've got some movies in my hard disk to keep me occupied. I just caught "I love you, man" on my laptop & I would say, it's darn hilarious! Laughs* Last night I went Youtubing & caught some funny videos as well. They made me giggle & giggle AND giggle till I got tired. I stopped, drop dead on bed. Laughs!* & got up at about 2.30-3 in the afternoon.

What a life I've got! I hope this lazying life will end soon. Get me courage & confident, I wanna start anew. That's my birthday wish. Can you grant me? I think, I should be asking that to myself eh. Hahs. Alright peeps, I will keep holdin' on, keep persevering till I drop. Laughs* Last but not least, I miss my GanMummy, I miss my sisters, I miss my friends, I miss my boyfriend. Hope to see them real soon...!

Good Night!

dejected 8/10

2010-04-22T01:56:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

Sometimes, I really wish I'm born rich. Because, whenever I'm down, I feel like digging a huge hole in my pocket=shopping. While at times, I simply just feel like going out for a walk at the park, singing, sharing my sorrows, drinking, movie or look up for GanMummy. Hah. I managed to overcome those negatives just now. I watched movie, eat my favourite creamy chicken fusilli, stroll at PRP, share my sorrows with baby... It does help, a little.

Then when I got back home & showered, I watched my favourite TV. After TV, I'm left alone in my room again. & there goes my emptiness feeling... Then I decided to take another glimpse of my favourite watches from Juicy Couture's website. I've been in love with their watches since last year but I've not gotten them because Mum says doesn't mean you like something, you must have it. So yeah, I just sit infront of this screen & admire them & I feel good enough. After admiring them, now, I've got nothing to do & this emptiness feeling comes back to me again. So here I am, sitting all alone~

My stomach is feelin' uneasy right now. But I'm so gonna save up on food because Mum just told me that she will give me $50 a week which means 1 day $10. She said this will be my allowance just like in school days. So it's up to me to spend it or save it. I think this is cool too. As in, it's really good for the both of us. Since this $50 is fixed, I can start saving my own money & yeah... That's all about it. I'd rather save on food & spend on shoppinggggg~! Laughs*

So........ it's like, 3 more days to Stars Award, 4 more days to Kelly sissy's birthday & 6 more days to... "Our First Month". Alright~ Cool~ Then... ... 13 more days to the day I first came to this world. Geez* Time passed superb fast. I felt like, I just celebrated my 17th birthday & in just a blink of eyes, I'm... turning 18th...? Aww gosh~ This year has been kinda hectic for me till I didn't realize that its gonna soon be my birthday. 18 years of living, what have I achieved? Hmm. I'm stuck. Seemed like I've not really achieved anything... ):

Tell me that I will make it thru very soon...

Good Night.

Miserable 9/10

2010-04-21T02:31:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

I went to visit my waigong together with Uncle Jimmy & Mummy. I'm glad that waigong is alright. But I'm still worried that he might not make it thru this year.. GanMummy, Aunty Shuting & Aunty Siuyin came to visit waigong too. They are really nice people. I feel lucky to have them in my life. Smiles* Seeing GanMummy somehow boost up my energy level. Like seriously. I can feel myself sinking again but after seeing her, I struggled then swam all the way up to the surface. Hahs. I don't know how long I can persevere but, I know, I will live with regrets if I were to give up right now. So, I'll just continue persevering...

... My eyes are getting teary now... I don't know why I'm like so touchy recently. I don't used to cry infront of anyone. But I actually cried twice infront of my bf. Just now when I was watching Stars Award, my eyes got teary all of a sudden. I was actually imagining myself winning an award, standing on the stage, giving out thank-you speech. Hah. Kinda dramatic.. but.. yeah.. that was what went thru me at that point of time. IF only I can do my loved ones proud, how great... Silly, I know.

The moment we got back home from waigong's place, Mummy starts nagging at me again. I don't know what went thru her head but she seemed to be able to sense that something isn't right with me. She started blabbering about everything even before I start speaking. Hmm??? Sigh* I've already tried to hide everything without leaving a single trace of me frowning. Like seriously. I've not utter a single word of complaints that I'm feeling miserable or whatever. Why must she still... Sigh!* I seriously don't know how to put THIS into words. Nevermind~

My da jiu has also been tryin' to help me thru this obstacle. But he don't exactly know the whole situation well enough thus things that he commented somehow hurts me. Of course, I don't blame him for that. But.. I just need time to absorb everything that happened lately, bit by bit. I'm a lousy daughter, I know. I no longer help my mum in house chores, I no longer care about anything. I just want to recover soon, that's all. I may be very selfish at this point of time but.. I just thought this selfishness of mine will one day lead me to great achievements that will make my loved ones proud. But at the same time, I feel extremely bad & guilty for being such a burden to my mum. IF only she can hack care about certain things, turn a blind eye on certain things, I believe it will help the both of us. But, that's just her character which nobody can change. What am I suppose to do? ):

I sympathise my mum.. & dad.. For having me as their daughter. Despite knowing how bad a daughter I am, they love me as much. Still, I can't help but to keep adding on to their burdens. Darn depression? No, darn myself. That's mainly the reason why I can't wait to be recovered. I desperately want attention from my loved ones. Not those lame attention seekers craving for worthless attention. But the "attention" where they will focus ONLY on you, where they will give you a very warmth HUG & SMILE then whisper gently into your ear & say, "You did it.."

My eyes are tearing again... :'(

I foresee my success will lead to me giving my loved ones more than what they expected. I foresee their warmth smiles & the happiness that I managed to give them. I can't shout out my miseries. Allow me to shout out here, pls. I AM REALLY FEELING VERY MISERABLE. WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?! WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?! I GOTTA STAND UP! I HAVE TO! NOW!!! I HAVE TO STAND UP NOW!!! I HAVE TO OVERCOME EVERY SINGLE THING RIGHT NOWWWWWWW! INSTILL MORE STRENGTHS IN ME. PLEASE. I DON'T WANNA GIVE UP, I DON'T WANNA FALL BACK EVER AGAIN. I WANNA KEEP CLIMBING HIGHER. I'M FEELING SO MISERABLE NOW! SOMEBODY HELP ME GET OUT. )))))):

I'm not a fighter, but I'll fight for the ones I love.

Good Night

Emptiness Sad Agitated 8/10

2010-04-20T01:48:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

I've been missing you for days. I wanted to update you today but after emailing Dr Sung, I no longer have the mood to say anything or to share any happy stuffs with you. As... I really can't think of any since I don't know why all I could think of now are, negativessssss. ):

(My email to Dr Sung)

Hi again Dr Sung.

How're you? Hope you're fine. & hope my previous lengthy mail did not scare you off. Haha. I'm feeling kinda lonely that's why came to "talk" to you over here.

Yesterday was the start of poly. & I still remembered the "homework" you gave me. I haven't proceed but, I will, soon start excercising..

I wanna share with you some stuffs that happened lately in case I forget again. Recently, I've been going out almost every single day. With my friends, boyfriend... Out to slack, chit-chat, sing, movie... I used to stay at home too much that I don't feel comfortable going out. But ever since I met up with my primary school friends, My Life Has Changed. From the start, I don't feel comfortable going out with them till now, I got used to it & totally ENJOY my heart out. It's a total change of lifestyle. From the always negative ME to now, I don't even have the time to think negatively. I totally love this feeling of "freedom". My friends are great. They keep my mind occupied, they are really understanding to me & never allows me to feel the loneliness. But now, school starts & everything goes back to square one. I've already tell myself to be prepared for this day to come. But still, I can't help but to feel that emptiness inside me. I was once used to being at home, then, I got used to going out. Now that I gotta face this serenity at home again, it's harder to get rid of all those negatives echoing inside me...

I know that I can kill time by going for a jog, reading, computer... etc But, jogging only takes 1 hr? Reading only takes 30 mins(I don't really enjoy reading)? Computer.. I'm getting sick of sitting infront of a screen like as if I'm no better than a handicap. Then what about the rest of the day? I've got nothing to do, totally... Then it makes me feel extremely empty again. I wanna go out to work. But, mum told me not to rush things. I got her point because I too, understand that I'm not mentally prepared yet. BUT I do, REALLY, DESPERATELY want to get a job, to earn money & overcome every obstacles I have in one go. I can feel that time is running out for me. It's like, I WANT to do it but now I CAN'T. It's like I wanna BREAK FREE but I've yet to find that STRENGTH. This feeling of being STUCK is way TOO TERRIBLE. & frankly speaking, my first job interview for that modelling thing which I've mentioned on my previous email really affect me quite a lot. It's like, my first TRY, thinking that I can FINALLY earn my own money YET it turns out I got CHEATED $50. Instead of EARNING, I lost... I really feel so stupid & useless. & from this incident makes me even more afraid of the world outside. They are seriously MASKED so well that you will never know which one of them is REAL. The puny PEA naive stupid brain that I have, what can I do with that? It's totally worthless! If so, how is it possible for me to get out to that society?! I doubt so.

Dr Sung, I don't know why I feel that everything seemed to be pressing me down, I can't breathe! But I know I can't & don't wanna die! My mum is very worried about her dad(he may not live till this yr), which makes me worry even more. From the beginning, she gives me insecurity. & now that my grandpa's health suddenly deteriorate, it makes me feel EVEN MORE insecure as my mum gotta put all attention onto my grandpa who needs it way more than me. Oh no, oh no... I'm like so dead... I'm forcing myself every day, forcing myself to get out & start working, continue my studies... I'm pushing myself every moment, hoping to get recovered soon. But I can't, I can't, I can't!!! I feel so agitated, so frustrated... I'm so afraid to fall back again. I know I'm not gonna go back to the past, right? Dr Sung, I won't get worst, I'll just keep improving, right...????????

I'm so scared...

Alycia.

Tired 7/10

2010-04-11T03:00:00.001+08:00

Dear Diary,

I just finished watching "Yes Man". Not bad~ But I can say, it's the "Yes" that kept me going till the end of the show. "Yes" or "No". An easy word but with great meanings towards different kind of questions & situations. Towards different situations, people find it easier to choose if there're more choices/options while some people find it easier when choices/options can be decreased to only 2. I guess, Life is also about learning how to make decisions;to make things happen.

I've not been updating on this little space of mine. I was really busy. "Busy" going out, "Busy" sleeping, "Busy" thinking, "Busy" missing... Oh well, I've been giving out most of my time to my baby boy. But of course, my time is for Everyone. You know what I mean yeah~ Winks* Despite feeling really worn out, I'm still on with any outings. It could be partly because I don't wanna miss a thing, oh well, actually I just really wanna cherish all these moments with my great friends, brothers, sisters, boyfriend... I'm afraid that any 1 of the outings could be the last... I'll never know when will be the next time... & another reason is prolly because I wanna keep myself busy & hectic so that I won't tend to think so much.. Yeah, these probably sums up all. But well, they definitely worth my time. I cherish & love every moment we spent. I-really-don't-wanna-miss-a-thing.

For all these days, I've been crazily busy going out. Yes, I said that before. I wanted to start from the day I stopped but, I can't remember what I actually did on every single day from the 2nd of April which is my previous post. So I'll just chunk everything here that comes to my mind first alright. Giggles*

Ok! I went Hougang Plaza's Kbox with Baby, his cousins(Merlyn, Jesley,ShiYin a.k.a SHING) & his elder Sis(Marianne). They sing really well.. &.. yeah, they are just interesting people! I'm really glad to know them(: After kbox, we had supper at a coffee shop at Hougang. Shing treated us Roti Prata.. Yumyum! Then, Merlyn & Marianne paid for our taxi fare(Gosh. I feel so pai seh la). But anyway, they are really nice people! Smiles*

Then erm, oh man, I can't remember! So many beautiful things happened but I can only remember the most recent one..

Oh yeah, I finally meet my new psychiatrist, Dr Cheryl Loh at CGH. She's a nice person & she's really cute & bubbly. But well, I still miss Ms Joyce & really don't want Dr Sung to leave me. I don't know. But yeah, I'd rather stay with the old than the new though there's a saying "Old ones don't go, New ones won't come". Some thing like~~~ But eya, to me, "Old" are "antique" which are "valuable" & "Unique". So can I just keep them? I know I'm being silly again...

Alright~ I think I paused here. Wait till I remember some stuffs, I'll update you again. My God Bros are in my room sleeeeeeeping now. & I think my "typing" is very disturbing...since I typed too fast... kekekekeke...

Good Night for now~~~

I believe (:

2010-03-25T00:55:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

This year really sucks! Has it been cursed or something?? Why are all the bad bad things coming to me & my family all at one go?! Well, that's life I guess. With our hearts as one, I'm sure we won't be defeated so easily. Hey, look, we've been thru so much for all these years.. Be it myself, my mum or my family, I'm sure we've learnt to be stronger at every time we fall. Nothing's gonna get in my way now. I'm runnin' out of time, really.

Firstly, I've not been blogging for quite some time because I'm too happy, too sad to blog. Well, just don't have the mood to. 2010 changed my life way too much. More people come in to my life, but none walks out. Yeah, hopefully none walks out... I seemed to have more activities, like hanging out with my primary school mates & continue making new friends thru my friends etc. & I'm really thankful for that.. I'm blessed, totally blessed...

Things between Sis & I are just-so-perfect now. I guess, the e-mail helped us a lot. Smiles* I had dinner with her just now at Subway(Whitesands) & yeah, things are getting fine between us. &&&, I'm waiting for the Sun to rise up again so that I can go swimmin' with Sis! (: DONT RAIN PLSSSSSSSS!!!!

While Sis & I patched up, my relationship with Ben ended. It's soo much to say but, I guess, I made the right decision. Whether in future will we have the affinity to become couple again, I shall leave it up to God. I'm really runnin' out of time, I can't wait to break free from my darkness. ):

Besides all these "negatives", I'm fine. Though I'm getting more hallucinations at times be it the day or night, though my memory is really failing me badly, though I feel that everything's still against me, I will still stand up & face whatever that are cumin'.. Even if everything makes me fall down, as long as I'm alive, I will never let the Devil win. That's a promise to myself. I hope I won't break it...

Good night(:

Who is that girl?

Officially Closed!

Happy 7/10

Tired 8/10

2nd time to Singapore Flyer.

My Religion

Happy *Lah* 7/10

24 Season 1 ! Awesome 8/10

Funtastic day Sentosa-ing 9/10

Super Tired 8/10

Tired 9/10

Not happy not sad. (=

Tired 9/10

A lesson learnt. :D

Tired 8/10

Enjoyed 9/10

Enjoyed 8/10

SSS(Still Standing Strong) 8/10

Tired 7/10

Happy 8/10

Not happy, not sad.. (=

Getting back up! 8/10

Released! 9/10

Shagged 8/10

Troubled 9/10

Tired 8/10

Tired 9/10

I need a break! 10/10

Pain 8/10

Tired and tired 9/10

Tired 9/10

It's officially over. (:

Heartbroken 9/10

Yawn 8/10

Lethargic 8/10

Tired 8/10

This Too Shall Pass

HURT 9/10

My FIRST time to a concert! Beautiful! 10/10

Truth hurts. 9/10

Happy to learn new stuffs 8/10 (=

Coughing my lungs out!

Express/Depress?

Hurts 9/10

Miserable 9/10

Goodbye.

"HAPPPPY" 10/10

9/10

放下过去。

Tired 9/10

Happy (= 8.5/10

Love you cousins...

Sleepyhead 8/10

:( 9/10

Dreams And Reality.

God, Take me... just take me with you....

I am bleeding, but I've to say, I am NOT bleeding!!!

Miserable 9/10

Sick 7/10

Tired 8/10

Perseverance !!!

Smiling 7/10

Hurt...deeply...

Tired 8/10

The heart and mind... (=

Rewards for improving, "Losing"

Tired 9/10

Heart To Heart Talk makes me Smile.

ARGH!!!!! WHY CANT U UNDERSTAND ME!!!

Tryin hard 9/10

Gonna Sleep Early! (=

Headache 8/10

Will you catch the tears that I cried every single night?

NGs are FUN 8/10

:( 8/10

First visit to Jing Si Tang (=

Rainbow Day 8/10

Blessed 10/10

Shifting House? Yes? No?

Utterly disappointed 9/10

Happy Lah 7/10